Wow.

Its that time again ladies and gentlemen. Where do I even start...you all know everything going on. As always, some things must remain private. But, you all know about me falling apart, so we can start there. I spent most of the week with friends dragging me out of the house. I'm grateful for them.  Then Thursday it happened again. I honestly didn't want to do anything. I told several people that I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep the depression away. Of course my best friend stepped in and said no. So I went out. It was girls night after all. A bottle and a half of wine paired with four shots of Jim later, I hit bitch mode. I think I needed to be angry for a while honestly. I made a bad decision, realized it for what it was and in that split second even more changed. I told a lot of people where to stick it that night, and that right there is the nicest way to say that. I was mad. Spitting fire at anyone who crossed my path. BUT I am not sorry for any of it. I said what needed to be said. I said what I had been keeping bottled up inside for so long. It was beautiful. Not graceful like I generally try to do things, but raw and unfiltered. Completely. I told three people to get out of my life, apologized to a few others, and reassured those most important to me just how much they mean to me. I remember every word I said and will back it up even now while completely sober. Now, that leads us into the pasr few days. Mom and I had a serious conversation that has been needed for a very long time. We forgave each other for the things we held against each other. We reconnected. No. Connected, in a way we never have before. It was a huge relief to both of us. Especially with me living here now. She has tried so hard over the years. And I just got more and more angry, then I left. Disappeared, swore I would never be like my family, yadayada. Moving back has made me realize that it is okay to be like them. I just have to take the good I've learned from them and make my own way from that base.  That led me into thinking about the rest of the family I had pushed away over the years. Of course, there was always some excuse or reason. In reality though, it was my fault. My decisions, even subconsciously. That changes now. That changes today. I went to our Christmas dinner tonight. Just me and my family. Haven't been in a few years. I've pretty much ignored that side of my family. I walked in with Anakin and was immediately ENGULFED in warm hugs, kisses, offers of food, anything we wanted. It was amazung. Overwhelming. Heart-wrenching. Invitations to lunches and other family gatherings, genuine questions of how we are doing, this side of my family has even kept up with happenings on my Mom's side of the family and began expressing concern for Grams, whom they don't even know. But they know I love her and I've been struggling, so they asked, and offered help in any way they can. I was literally in tears. Am again remembering the evening and smiling faces and hugs. Lets not forget the food either...nothing like a home cooked potluck meal. All of the sudden it was time to leave. Way too soon in my personal opinion...I mean, how do you take that all in with such a short time span? I know lately I have been drained and depressed and stressing way too much. Tonight definitely went a long way towards recharging my heart though...so much faith in ME. From so many lovibg people.. I definitely get my compassion and determination and FAITH from that side of the family...so loving, genuine, REAL. Real people. Real unconditional love...and now. Now I have lunch planned with my sisters. Now there are New Years plans with my family. And Jeremy! Goodness gracious. That boy was my rock. Him and Zellie kept me going. Then, gaven't seen him since I was 16 but suddenly he was there giving me one of those hugs that says "you are safe, you will make it." I bawled like a baby. It was so unexpected. I was so caught up in my own misery that I had forgotten one of my two favorite cousins was coming home. Talk about shock. We instantly turned into kids again. But then we turned around and there was MY baby running up just to say "Mommy I love you". It was the first time my Jeremy, my dearest cousin, had met my baby. Talk about shock. Pride. Joy. A little bit of sadness, but an overwhelming sense of coming HOME. Its been so long. I know this though. My place is here, with my family. Getting life in order. Following a plan to achieve my goals. Having a purpose that fulfills my needs, my sons needs, and brings me back to my roots - this family I love Oh so dearly...I  honestly can NOT describe all of the different emotions running through me. But it is beautiful. Miraculous. The kind of night that reminds you what Christmas is truly about. What LIFE is about for that matter...goodness. Okay, enough about all that. Haha, I wish you all could see me shooing away all the words in my mind. There is one other subject I wish to discuss with you all tonight. The movie. Remember how I spoke of wanting to do things on my own? Mission one accomplished! I felt so good tonight - I went to see a movie! Walking up to the counter was weird. But I asked for ONE ticket to my movie, and the cashier looked at me with respect. Then! I got extra butter on my popcorn, added lots of ranch flavor and got a drink. I walked in and headed straight to my favorite seat, put my feet uo and proceeded to laugh so hard I snorted. Yeo. Right there in the theatre. Laughed, cried, ate ALL of the popcorn without sharing. It was great and I highly recommend it. So at peace with myself. So comfortable in my own skin. And when the movie was over I watched the credits and bloopers. Because I could! Then, last one standing, I walked out of the doors completely alone. Instead of lonely or awkward or any of that I thought I would have to deal with, I walked out with my head held high. Feeling accomplished, lighthearted, free. Not like Oh I'm single I can do what I want free. I mean free. No stress, no greif, no awkwardness. Just me. It was beautiful as well. To top it all off, I headed home with Christina Aguilera blaring "You are beautiful". Oh yea. Even if you're in a relationship, I strongly recommend. Nah, I beg you, to try experiences on your own as well. You never know how it will turn out until you face your fear and take that leap of faith in YOURSELF. With that, ladies and gentlemen, I will say goodnight. Sweet dreams and please cherish all you have RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

I tried.

I waited a while to post on here. Its only been two days, but I feel stronger today. See, when life turns upside down it often times takes three days to see correctly again. Two days ago we came to my mothers. I know we were planning the move, it just happened a little more suddenly than I thought it would. The day before yesterday I fell apart. Completely. Cried so hard I literally got sick. Then I sat on my Mommas  porch and started putting myself back together. I woke up yesterday, got sick and then got to work. Keeping busy most of the day helps. Anakin and I cleaned and painted and played all day. Talked to an old friend last night and other things weighing on my heart hit me. Cried a bit then went to sleep. This morning all these changes didn't hit so hard. Felt naseous but didn't get sick. My chest still hurts, but thats going to take some time. Once the initial stress is gone I know it will feel better. Today we have yet another ridixulous to-do list and I'm anxious to start.  Life keeps moving forward, ready or not, so I'm gettin there. I know that this is far from over. But I know that each step will get easier and on most fronts I think we're headed in the rights directions.  Its time to get my life in order. Have a great day everyone!

so.

I'm a little bit frustrated and a whole lot of tired.  A whole lot of tired. There's not really much else I can say. I'm tired of stress, tired of drama, sick of people with hidden agendas, tired of work, tired of life, tired of pretending to be happy all the time. You know, this is the only place I can vent. No advice I don't want, no shenanigans, no bullshit honestly. What happened to the days when people actually cared for other people? What happened to mankind? Can a person not just love people, in general? Can people no longer see the good in helping others and being genuine? I know I'm ranting here. And I would say I'm sorry but I'm not. I don't even have it left in me to write on here. I'm gonna go regain some energy. Maybe pray a little. My hearts in so much turmoil right now it's crazy. How can people be so cruel? What happened to us as a people? When did the world start destroying itself and others in it?

hrmm...

I need some wind, I need some space. Anything will do, just get out of my face. Need that long breath of fresh air. Need something I do declare. Take me out, just like a dream. Break me free before I scream. Hit the gas, let's go for a while. As we fly I'll start to smile. Tell me sweetie, oh don't say no. Come on baby, let's just go...       I   guess this is the bikers daughter side of me coming out? All I know is I'm begging for that freedom. When you're on the back of a bike it's like nothing else. Just you, the road and your prayers. It is by far the most peace I've felt in my life. Riding down a back road, wind ripping through your hair, breath taken by the beauty of it all...for that short time the rest of the world disappears.

try.

So autocorrect changed the title and I decided to stick with it. Sorry I haven't updated recently. Life has been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Umm...we'll start with Grams. She's doing as good as can be expected given the circumstances. They installed the port for dialysis and then had some issues with it. Luckily those were taken care of in time. Right now its a battle against time. If the dialysis doesn't help the way it should ahe doesn't have very much longer. If it does doctors say she has a maximum of two years, but we're hoping they're wrong on the maximum part.  She's back in the hospital for now and we'll see where that leads. They should be transferring her back to rehab tomorrow. With that being said, I am actually moving in with Mom to help take care of her. Its going to be rough, but its a necessary move. Ma can't do it all on her own and my schedule aligns with hers to be of some use. It will also, hopefully, relieve some of the tension here. I'll get the basment apartment for me and Anakin so we'll have our own space. Ma will be right there to spend more time with him and if all goes well we will be able to have a mother/daughter relationship. This is something I have not allowed in the past because of resentment and anger. Age and experience has shown me that she did the best she could in raiaing us. She's a strong woman that has been through a lot, including having to deal with the knowledge of everything her kids went through while she was working to make ends meet.  Other than that I don't really know what to say this night...its been exhausting. I've lost my best friend. Well, walked away because of some horrible habits she is picking up and will not drop. She refuses to see an issue with the pattern she has been following over the past few years. Its all ups and downs and no middle ground because of the choices she is making. While it hurts, I had to walk away. I can't let the things she is choosing to do put my family in any danger. All it would take would be me visiting at the wrong time and I could lose my son should others find out what she's doing. I can not and will not take that risk for anyone. Not even her. Oh, and while we're on here I guess I can update you about what is going on with my Dad. No charges have been filed yet and I'm beginning to wonder if I jumped to conclusions because of my past. He just seems so normal. Still calls to check in on us, hasn't mentioned the investigation though he's heard about it. The other day the oldest of the girls came forward. I don't believe they're lying. I just don't know what to do. Anakin loves him so much...my Dad is a lot of things, but it is very hard to believe that he could be that...he called today and asked what has been going on because I've been so distant. I'm so tired and couldn't bring myself to ask the questions I have. Couldn't bear to even begin that conversation when my heart is in such turmoil over it all...so instead I lied, and I am admitting that here to you all. I told him everything going on here was so time consuming I just hadn't been able to call like I used to. It's partly true, but my conscience is heavy because I know its not the true reason I haven't been calling. Anyways, as I said, there's a whirlwind of things going on over here. Its a lot to take in at once, especially top of work and being a Mom. But we're surround by good loving people that help out in any way they can. Still going strong even through the turmoil. I firmly believe God will not give you more than you can handle and He has provided me and Anakin with everything we have truly needed every step of the way. Hard as it is sometimes, I am holding on to my faith and trusting that my God will see me through in the right direction. This leads me into one final topic. Over the years I have had my shares of ups and downs. Every time I have been down I have clung to my faith and have come out better. Then during the good times I felt strong enough to take on the world with my own two hands. This has always been my downfall, where things turn bad. From here on out I will strive to keep my faith alive in good and bad. Not to only pray when I am weak, but also to praise when I am strong. Hopefully my faith will not offend any of my readers, and I will try not to rub it in anyones facez, I believe each person has the right to their own beliefs and opinions.  I just wanted to share this newest of ateps along my journey. Wishing you all well and hopefully will be back to update more soon!