Wow.

Its that time again ladies and gentlemen. Where do I even start...you all know everything going on. As always, some things must remain private. But, you all know about me falling apart, so we can start there. I spent most of the week with friends dragging me out of the house. I'm grateful for them.  Then Thursday it happened again. I honestly didn't want to do anything. I told several people that I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep the depression away. Of course my best friend stepped in and said no. So I went out. It was girls night after all. A bottle and a half of wine paired with four shots of Jim later, I hit bitch mode. I think I needed to be angry for a while honestly. I made a bad decision, realized it for what it was and in that split second even more changed. I told a lot of people where to stick it that night, and that right there is the nicest way to say that. I was mad. Spitting fire at anyone who crossed my path. BUT I am not sorry for any of it. I said what needed to be said. I said what I had been keeping bottled up inside for so long. It was beautiful. Not graceful like I generally try to do things, but raw and unfiltered. Completely. I told three people to get out of my life, apologized to a few others, and reassured those most important to me just how much they mean to me. I remember every word I said and will back it up even now while completely sober. Now, that leads us into the pasr few days. Mom and I had a serious conversation that has been needed for a very long time. We forgave each other for the things we held against each other. We reconnected. No. Connected, in a way we never have before. It was a huge relief to both of us. Especially with me living here now. She has tried so hard over the years. And I just got more and more angry, then I left. Disappeared, swore I would never be like my family, yadayada. Moving back has made me realize that it is okay to be like them. I just have to take the good I've learned from them and make my own way from that base.  That led me into thinking about the rest of the family I had pushed away over the years. Of course, there was always some excuse or reason. In reality though, it was my fault. My decisions, even subconsciously. That changes now. That changes today. I went to our Christmas dinner tonight. Just me and my family. Haven't been in a few years. I've pretty much ignored that side of my family. I walked in with Anakin and was immediately ENGULFED in warm hugs, kisses, offers of food, anything we wanted. It was amazung. Overwhelming. Heart-wrenching. Invitations to lunches and other family gatherings, genuine questions of how we are doing, this side of my family has even kept up with happenings on my Mom's side of the family and began expressing concern for Grams, whom they don't even know. But they know I love her and I've been struggling, so they asked, and offered help in any way they can. I was literally in tears. Am again remembering the evening and smiling faces and hugs. Lets not forget the food either...nothing like a home cooked potluck meal. All of the sudden it was time to leave. Way too soon in my personal opinion...I mean, how do you take that all in with such a short time span? I know lately I have been drained and depressed and stressing way too much. Tonight definitely went a long way towards recharging my heart though...so much faith in ME. From so many lovibg people.. I definitely get my compassion and determination and FAITH from that side of the family...so loving, genuine, REAL. Real people. Real unconditional love...and now. Now I have lunch planned with my sisters. Now there are New Years plans with my family. And Jeremy! Goodness gracious. That boy was my rock. Him and Zellie kept me going. Then, gaven't seen him since I was 16 but suddenly he was there giving me one of those hugs that says "you are safe, you will make it." I bawled like a baby. It was so unexpected. I was so caught up in my own misery that I had forgotten one of my two favorite cousins was coming home. Talk about shock. We instantly turned into kids again. But then we turned around and there was MY baby running up just to say "Mommy I love you". It was the first time my Jeremy, my dearest cousin, had met my baby. Talk about shock. Pride. Joy. A little bit of sadness, but an overwhelming sense of coming HOME. Its been so long. I know this though. My place is here, with my family. Getting life in order. Following a plan to achieve my goals. Having a purpose that fulfills my needs, my sons needs, and brings me back to my roots - this family I love Oh so dearly...I  honestly can NOT describe all of the different emotions running through me. But it is beautiful. Miraculous. The kind of night that reminds you what Christmas is truly about. What LIFE is about for that matter...goodness. Okay, enough about all that. Haha, I wish you all could see me shooing away all the words in my mind. There is one other subject I wish to discuss with you all tonight. The movie. Remember how I spoke of wanting to do things on my own? Mission one accomplished! I felt so good tonight - I went to see a movie! Walking up to the counter was weird. But I asked for ONE ticket to my movie, and the cashier looked at me with respect. Then! I got extra butter on my popcorn, added lots of ranch flavor and got a drink. I walked in and headed straight to my favorite seat, put my feet uo and proceeded to laugh so hard I snorted. Yeo. Right there in the theatre. Laughed, cried, ate ALL of the popcorn without sharing. It was great and I highly recommend it. So at peace with myself. So comfortable in my own skin. And when the movie was over I watched the credits and bloopers. Because I could! Then, last one standing, I walked out of the doors completely alone. Instead of lonely or awkward or any of that I thought I would have to deal with, I walked out with my head held high. Feeling accomplished, lighthearted, free. Not like Oh I'm single I can do what I want free. I mean free. No stress, no greif, no awkwardness. Just me. It was beautiful as well. To top it all off, I headed home with Christina Aguilera blaring "You are beautiful". Oh yea. Even if you're in a relationship, I strongly recommend. Nah, I beg you, to try experiences on your own as well. You never know how it will turn out until you face your fear and take that leap of faith in YOURSELF. With that, ladies and gentlemen, I will say goodnight. Sweet dreams and please cherish all you have RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!