Guys...I don't even know how to say all of this. And that says something because I can generally put it all out there while typing/writing.
Lets start with the personal life stuff. Recently there have been a few changes. Someone I've known for a while recently showed a different kind of interest in me. And it's weird. He's one of my closest friends, we hang out every now and then. Then all of the sudden we were kissing and...other things. Now we haven't slept together so please don't think that. It's just different. When we're around each other he's holding my hand or wrapping his arms around me or kissing the top of my head. He came out to lunch the other day just to see me, didn't even eat. We can chill and hang out, then we're alone for two seconds and its like electricity between us. I have no clue where it's going. His words and actions are opposite if you get what I mean. He doesn't really say sweet things, has never told me I'm beautiful but tells me I'm hot instead, and any time he's asked he says he doesn't know his intentions. But his actions are so confusing. Either way, I'm not ready for a relationship so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I have no intentions, no expectations. I just enjoy the time I get with him and I'm leaving it there.
Then there's a guy that's been an acquaintance for about two years. A conversation was turned deep the other day. It was about views on love and relationships and fears, etc. Since then we have talked every day. But it's like I'm paranoid. Every male that talks to me, I wonder if they're going to hurt me, what their intentions are, how they'll get close just to crush my soul. Now I know this is because of everything that has happened. See, I finally faced the issues I was having over my love. And what I found out shattered my already broken heart. It will take time to heal, and I know this. I don't want to make others pay for someone else's mistakes, but I find it hard to trust anyone that shows an interest other than friendship in me. I just feel cold. Like I'm afraid to let anyone near me for fear of being hurt.
Now on to other things. I have been helping my brother and his roommates a lot. And it has even draining me emotionally and financially. I know that I need to stop but I have no idea how. I'm so not used to saying no. But what else should I do? I feel horrible if I say no when I'm technically capable of doing something. But it's so exhausting and just...draining. I tend to take on as much as I possibly can until I'm completely overwhelmed and freak out. I actually ended up having a panic attack the other night because everything hit me all at once. It terrified me and I thank God that my best friend was called to come calm me down. I have to stop this. Right now I've already got too much on my plate and I need to breathe. I can't though. There's so much that needs to be done, so much ongoing emotional turmoil and on top of all that there is a lot of stress on our family right now.
Which leads me into our next subject. Grandma is home. Tonight was hard. I knew that this would be hard but I guess I was hoping she would come home and be just fine. She's not though. Tonight alone I have had to help her sit and stand several times, pushed her through a restaurant in a wheelchair which was quite the different experience, helped her use the restroom (and I will not go into details out of respect for her). It's very hard to see her like this. She has no pride anymore. And the pain shows in her eyes. We all try to make light of the situation while holding back tears. Find the humor in every sad situation, right? But it's hard it's emotionally draining. I watched my Daddy go through this. I dealt with the pain of watching him slowly deteriorate over time. It got harder every day. Now Mom and I are going through it with Grams. This time it's worse though. She needs more help than he ever did. And I'm trying not to compare the two experiences but I can't help see my Daddy's face every time she looks at me with those pain filled eyes. I try not to show my emotion to her, keep the spirit light. I'm sad though. She can't do anything on her own if it involves and level of strength in her legs...I don't know. I don't really have the words to as it all so I'm going to just go spend time with her for now...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Well here I am.
Umm...I've already started typing and came back to say this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. And if you make it through this entire post you are truly amazing because it is long and sad and angry and full of everything my heart is breaking from. Also, I've decided I like chocolate. Mommy got me some for Valentines day and it is scrumdidillyumptious. Anywho. Some nights...some nights I just want to cry. Take tonight for instance. Not a bad day. Slept in, worked, got my baby boy (highlight of my day). Came home, he went to bed, people came over to do laundry. That was it, a seemingly un eventful day. Yet here I am, holding back tears as others laugh and joke around me. Here I am wanting to retreat back into my own little world with this heavy weight falling hard on my soul. Here I am wondering where you are. Here I am asking how I got back here after making it so far. Here I am missing all those little memories neither of us realized were being made. Here I am haunted by a love that never was, a dream of what could have been. Here I am weighed down by the burdens of life that aren't even burdens in truth. There is that ever so common weight on my soul. Almost like a comfort, knowing its still there. Almost like you're watching, waiting for love to burn. Breathing in and breathing out, but getting nowhere. Falling so deep into this dark abyss. And for what? Nothing is worth this... Yet here I am needing you near. Here I am pretending to smile. And here I am creating happiness on my own. Here I am failing miserably. Here I am trying to stand alone. Here I am facing down fear. All alone in a darkened world, shining through a heart that is torn. Once you told me I was like light through the dark. Once you told me you weren't going to leave. There was a time you made me believe. In me. In you. In truth. In love. In life. In beginning anew. My God I'm so mad at you. I forgave and forgot, I turned the other cheek. I watched you smile so pure and sweet as you sat there and watched me bleed. You were all I thought I would ever need. Now you've disappeared, left me here to bleed. So here I am moving forward, one step at a time. This is my heart half alive. But you bet your ass this half is still mine. So many things running through my mind. I honestly feel as though I'm drifting through time. I take some for me, drown out the world. Feel free in this little reverie. Baby you were mine, I know this is true. But you ran to hide and I stood still. So here I am turning around. Here I am holding my ground. You think you've seen the last of me, but I'll be there in the back of your mind. Imagine a love so pure and true, no scratch that, I'll get over you. The world turns round and I'll make it through. Revolving door for two. You ran away but I see straight through you. Here I am singing, I'm still in love with you. Here I am feeling unglued. The world is crashing you see. And you used to be here for me. But baby don't you know? Daddy's back in jail, Grams is getting well, Mommas doing swell and I'm living in Hell. Love, I'm so angry with you...all those moments taken for granted, all those memories made. Yeah, you, I remember you. Late night talks on the phone, kissing my forehead so I wouldn't feel alone. Like I didn't notice all those little things that made me think you cherished me. And now here I am, typing all alone. Was it worth it in the end? How do you know? He said every storm runs out of rain but baby you hit me like a fucking monsoon. I wanna stay up all night and jump around until we see the sun. I wanna be over you. People on the telephone. Saying I'm the one. Yet here I am breathing deep, trying not to fall asleep. The nightmares will hit and I can't breathe, haha Keith Sweat was just singing in my ear. Can you see the way you left me? All these fools falling for me, but I'm the biggest fool of them all because I believed love was true. Here I am trying so hard. You were the one I ran to. You were the one who helped me believe I'm enough, the one who reminded me I'm tough. I started this journey because of your faith in me, and I still continue to believe. You left me broken, more than a little bruised. But I've grown better every day since meeting you. Here I am singing, running from you. All I want is to be in your arms. Yet here I am trying so desperately hard not to make a scene. I let you go, like you wanted me to. Knew from the beginning that you would probably never stay. Guarded my heart, tried to protect me. No other has been where you still reside, why can't I just run and hide. I started over, started new, left everything behind that connected me to you. I pass by those places we used to meet, and I look away, across the street. I'm trying so hard, wondering if you even think of me. Here I am, trying to understand. And Momma says time will heal. Momma says what's meant to be will find a way. Momma says the hurt goes away. Momma has to be right. Because here I am, rhyming silly little words. Here I am loving you still. And Alanis says its ironic. I believe this to be true. All these people are chasing me. Here I am replaying memories of you. Here I am still remembering. See, there was this day I realized how much I loved you. And now the sunshine hurts my eyes, now I realize it was lies. I wasn't enough for you, and here I am tired of being blue. Here I am trying anything and everything. Here I am fading across the sky to the moon. Nah, here I am listening to songs that pull me through. Lies. Here I am listening to a song that reminds me of you. Here I am thinking I'm pitiful. Here I am asking someone, anyone, please dear God, make me forget about you. Here I am taking my time. Here I am trying to heal. Here I am eating chocolate, so unusual for me. Here I am thinking of friends, how much they mean. And there is Alanis singing words so true, might walk around naked in the living room. Here is pain, there is beauty. Here are memories, there are the lessons learned. Here is caution, and there my friend, is the wind. Life moves forward. I roll with the punches, but you knocked me out. Here I am regaining consciousness. Here I am day by day. Here I am in this moment. Here I am pouring out my heart to a keyboard as lifeless as my dreams of me and you. There is the pain, ebbing and flowing. And here is hope, yearning while growing.
So I know that a lot of this has probably made no sense to anyone, but I had to get it all out. I've been holding so much in, pretending like I'm okay. Really though, I've been falling apart. Each day gets easier and harder all at once. A little more pain in my chest, a few more memories laid to rest. The point here I think, is that even in turmoil I am growing. Even on these nights, I'm fighting this battle to move forward. Is there still hope for those dreams? Yes. But those hopes should eventually fade away. I don't know yet, but people say they will. See. The other day I read a blog about soul mates. And I believe I have found mine on several levels. First is Boo. She is my best friend, my sister soul if you will. The next is Zellie. He's my favorite cousin, the man I compare all men in my life to. I hold him on a pedestal because of the connection we have and the respect I have for him. And then there is my Love. I've seen inside his soul. I know the darkness there and it mirrors the darkness in me. But like the darkness in mine, there is also light shining through. And I believe that light would grow if only he allowed it to. Instead, I am moving forward on my own. Each step feels heavier than the last, but I keep faith that Momma is right. One day I will step and I will have that old spring back. One day I will smile for no reason at all, and said smile will be true. One day I will find that friendship that turns into love and grows forevermore. For now, here I am listening to Pink "Just Like A Pill". And I like it. This song reflects me right now.
Anywho, lets give you all an update on life.
Dad went back to jail and then Mark bailed him out again. He currently has 6 active cases in the courts spanning over the next five months if I remember correctly. You know, when his and Momma's divorce started, I told him I wouldn't choose sides. I guess...wait, let me back up and explain some things. I have three Dads:
Daddy - the man who raised me. He was a damn good man, he raised me proper and even on his death bed he gave us all he could. He taught me about forgiveness, love, and a lot of other important life lessons.
Bubba's Dad - the man who claimed me though he knew I wasn't his child. He was in prison until I turned 17 but he has made every attempt to reconcile with his children since being released, me included.
RW - and yea, I don't even have enough respect to hide his name. He was "having fun" with my Mom while she was separated from Bubba's Dad. There are different sides of the story but I will never know what truly happened. Either way, he wasn't a part of my life until I found him at 19.
Now lets return to this. When I found him he was married. Momma has four children that were also with him. The divorce began and I swore that I would not choose sides. And as far as the charges brought up, I have not. I have gone based on fact alone and made my own decisions from there. And Saturday I decided to go see the twins for their birthday. I promised those children I would not disappear on them and I DO NOT break my promises. Now, I have barely heard from my father since the divorce started, and when I have it's been "they did this, they did that, I do no wrong, feel sorry for me." Blah. It makes me sick. Everyone has been at fault through this catastrophe. Blahdedblahdedblah, back to Saturday. He sends me a message from a new number and asks me where I am, and I told him because I don't like to lie. Well didn't he just shit a bag of bricks. Started going off on me saying "how can you be there after all the headaches they've brought on me and after all the Hell they've put me through. How can you do this to me."
Excuse me sir. Who in the Hell do you think you are? I have done nothing to you, I have not even heard from you except for you asking if my Mother wanted to sleep with you. And don't even go there. Touch her and you die. You've hurt all sides of my family enough. You are not my Daddy. I may have come from your genes but I am nothing like you and I will be damned if you are going to try to tell me who I should be when you've spent your life in and out of jail and on drugs. Oh, and don't forget the alcohol. Yes, I came looking for you. And what I found was sooo much more. I found more family. Family is not about blood you twat. Family is about unconditional love, and you have NOT shown that. I also found truth. The truth my Mother was trying to protect me from. You want everyone to bend over backwards for you, dig you out of the holes you have created. Well my shovel is already full of shit, thank you. Oh I'm so angry...and then when I call you out you say "I haven't had time to be a father because I'm still working off damages they have created". Excuse me? Ladies and gentlemen I apologize for the unladylike behavior here, but a big fuck you sir. I am a single mother, working full time, trying to piece my life back together. Never, though, NEVER IN MY LIFE would I tell my child I don't have time to be his parent. He comes first. That's what being a parent means. You are no longer you. You have created someone and it is your duty to protect them, guide them, love them. You put them before you at all costs. But I should've known when you left, regardless of what happened. I should've known then that it would always be about you. Three children and you've managed to demolish any relationship with all three of them. Only one is still around and he's more like you every day. Yet it's not your fault of course. Never could that be. Are we seeing a pattern here? And by God I'm mad! How dare you! That is my Momma, my brothers and sisters, my Mother. For Christ sake, will it ever end?! And I'm praying. Lord, I'm praying. Forgiveness, guidance, grace, the ability to move forward, healing. And I pray for you though I really don't want to. How dare you...you have no idea how bad you have hurt me. I found you. I was excited. I thought I had found what I had been searching for. I thought I had found someone I could hold up there with my Daddy. I thought I had found someone I could look up to. I'm not quite sure what drove me to find you so bad. Grief over losing Daddy, anger at the things my legal father had done to our family, resentment towards my mother for lying. But then you. You worthless scum. How dare you harm my family. Haven't you done enough? How dare you judge me? And I know that's hypocritical. Here I am judging you. But I mean, really? What you put those children through?! "They aren't my kids". Well by damnit that's my brother and they are my sisters. The lying, stealing, cheating?! "Well look at what she's done". At least she can fucking own up to it and learn a lesson from it all!!! "How can you turn your back on me?" I wouldn't dare. You'd probably twist the dagger you've already put in my heart. But I am walking away. You will never bother to read these words. But I have bothered to write them. I FEEL the pain you have brought into my life. "How can you still be around them?" Because they are the only good that came from meeting you.
All that space is breathing room. Lol. I also went to smoke a cigarette and calm my crazy self down. Now we can move forward to some good news. Grandma WILL be coming home soon. She's really sick right now, it's something that's been going around. Once it passes they will be sending her home :-) I'm still nervous, but Oh so excited that she will be home soon! Life will change drastically, but I'm okay with that. After all that has happened recently I think a little more positive on my already loaded plate may tip the scale back in balance. Uncle G is building her a ramp so she can ride in and out of the house, her new chair that helps her stand/sit is in place, and me and Mom are about to go into spring cleaning mode. All in preparation of that crazy, old woman coming home. I can't wait :-) she snaps at people, believes in manners, is loyal to a fault. She doesn't say how she feels often, but you know it by her actions. When she opens up her wisdom is infinite. I just can't wait for her to be home. I used to be her little angel. Now I'm all grown up with a child of my own and I still want to sit at her feet, Indian style, watching old black and white tv shows.
Well, it's pretty much 5am here. Work is at 11:30. I should probably sleep. Here I am, a completely beautiful catastrophe. Here I am, seeing where this moment will take me.
So I know that a lot of this has probably made no sense to anyone, but I had to get it all out. I've been holding so much in, pretending like I'm okay. Really though, I've been falling apart. Each day gets easier and harder all at once. A little more pain in my chest, a few more memories laid to rest. The point here I think, is that even in turmoil I am growing. Even on these nights, I'm fighting this battle to move forward. Is there still hope for those dreams? Yes. But those hopes should eventually fade away. I don't know yet, but people say they will. See. The other day I read a blog about soul mates. And I believe I have found mine on several levels. First is Boo. She is my best friend, my sister soul if you will. The next is Zellie. He's my favorite cousin, the man I compare all men in my life to. I hold him on a pedestal because of the connection we have and the respect I have for him. And then there is my Love. I've seen inside his soul. I know the darkness there and it mirrors the darkness in me. But like the darkness in mine, there is also light shining through. And I believe that light would grow if only he allowed it to. Instead, I am moving forward on my own. Each step feels heavier than the last, but I keep faith that Momma is right. One day I will step and I will have that old spring back. One day I will smile for no reason at all, and said smile will be true. One day I will find that friendship that turns into love and grows forevermore. For now, here I am listening to Pink "Just Like A Pill". And I like it. This song reflects me right now.
Anywho, lets give you all an update on life.
Dad went back to jail and then Mark bailed him out again. He currently has 6 active cases in the courts spanning over the next five months if I remember correctly. You know, when his and Momma's divorce started, I told him I wouldn't choose sides. I guess...wait, let me back up and explain some things. I have three Dads:
Daddy - the man who raised me. He was a damn good man, he raised me proper and even on his death bed he gave us all he could. He taught me about forgiveness, love, and a lot of other important life lessons.
Bubba's Dad - the man who claimed me though he knew I wasn't his child. He was in prison until I turned 17 but he has made every attempt to reconcile with his children since being released, me included.
RW - and yea, I don't even have enough respect to hide his name. He was "having fun" with my Mom while she was separated from Bubba's Dad. There are different sides of the story but I will never know what truly happened. Either way, he wasn't a part of my life until I found him at 19.
Now lets return to this. When I found him he was married. Momma has four children that were also with him. The divorce began and I swore that I would not choose sides. And as far as the charges brought up, I have not. I have gone based on fact alone and made my own decisions from there. And Saturday I decided to go see the twins for their birthday. I promised those children I would not disappear on them and I DO NOT break my promises. Now, I have barely heard from my father since the divorce started, and when I have it's been "they did this, they did that, I do no wrong, feel sorry for me." Blah. It makes me sick. Everyone has been at fault through this catastrophe. Blahdedblahdedblah, back to Saturday. He sends me a message from a new number and asks me where I am, and I told him because I don't like to lie. Well didn't he just shit a bag of bricks. Started going off on me saying "how can you be there after all the headaches they've brought on me and after all the Hell they've put me through. How can you do this to me."
Excuse me sir. Who in the Hell do you think you are? I have done nothing to you, I have not even heard from you except for you asking if my Mother wanted to sleep with you. And don't even go there. Touch her and you die. You've hurt all sides of my family enough. You are not my Daddy. I may have come from your genes but I am nothing like you and I will be damned if you are going to try to tell me who I should be when you've spent your life in and out of jail and on drugs. Oh, and don't forget the alcohol. Yes, I came looking for you. And what I found was sooo much more. I found more family. Family is not about blood you twat. Family is about unconditional love, and you have NOT shown that. I also found truth. The truth my Mother was trying to protect me from. You want everyone to bend over backwards for you, dig you out of the holes you have created. Well my shovel is already full of shit, thank you. Oh I'm so angry...and then when I call you out you say "I haven't had time to be a father because I'm still working off damages they have created". Excuse me? Ladies and gentlemen I apologize for the unladylike behavior here, but a big fuck you sir. I am a single mother, working full time, trying to piece my life back together. Never, though, NEVER IN MY LIFE would I tell my child I don't have time to be his parent. He comes first. That's what being a parent means. You are no longer you. You have created someone and it is your duty to protect them, guide them, love them. You put them before you at all costs. But I should've known when you left, regardless of what happened. I should've known then that it would always be about you. Three children and you've managed to demolish any relationship with all three of them. Only one is still around and he's more like you every day. Yet it's not your fault of course. Never could that be. Are we seeing a pattern here? And by God I'm mad! How dare you! That is my Momma, my brothers and sisters, my Mother. For Christ sake, will it ever end?! And I'm praying. Lord, I'm praying. Forgiveness, guidance, grace, the ability to move forward, healing. And I pray for you though I really don't want to. How dare you...you have no idea how bad you have hurt me. I found you. I was excited. I thought I had found what I had been searching for. I thought I had found someone I could hold up there with my Daddy. I thought I had found someone I could look up to. I'm not quite sure what drove me to find you so bad. Grief over losing Daddy, anger at the things my legal father had done to our family, resentment towards my mother for lying. But then you. You worthless scum. How dare you harm my family. Haven't you done enough? How dare you judge me? And I know that's hypocritical. Here I am judging you. But I mean, really? What you put those children through?! "They aren't my kids". Well by damnit that's my brother and they are my sisters. The lying, stealing, cheating?! "Well look at what she's done". At least she can fucking own up to it and learn a lesson from it all!!! "How can you turn your back on me?" I wouldn't dare. You'd probably twist the dagger you've already put in my heart. But I am walking away. You will never bother to read these words. But I have bothered to write them. I FEEL the pain you have brought into my life. "How can you still be around them?" Because they are the only good that came from meeting you.
All that space is breathing room. Lol. I also went to smoke a cigarette and calm my crazy self down. Now we can move forward to some good news. Grandma WILL be coming home soon. She's really sick right now, it's something that's been going around. Once it passes they will be sending her home :-) I'm still nervous, but Oh so excited that she will be home soon! Life will change drastically, but I'm okay with that. After all that has happened recently I think a little more positive on my already loaded plate may tip the scale back in balance. Uncle G is building her a ramp so she can ride in and out of the house, her new chair that helps her stand/sit is in place, and me and Mom are about to go into spring cleaning mode. All in preparation of that crazy, old woman coming home. I can't wait :-) she snaps at people, believes in manners, is loyal to a fault. She doesn't say how she feels often, but you know it by her actions. When she opens up her wisdom is infinite. I just can't wait for her to be home. I used to be her little angel. Now I'm all grown up with a child of my own and I still want to sit at her feet, Indian style, watching old black and white tv shows.
Well, it's pretty much 5am here. Work is at 11:30. I should probably sleep. Here I am, a completely beautiful catastrophe. Here I am, seeing where this moment will take me.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Well...
I'm not really sure what to say here...I've had a lot on my mind recently and I'm not sure how to put it all in words...first, I'd like to thank an amazing friend of mine for giving me a tool to update this more frequently. I hadn't been updating as much because its a pain to do so on my phone, now I have an IPad and it works much easier.
Anywho, umm... See, the past few days I've been thinking A LOT. About everything in general. So we'll go through it all piece by piece.
1) relationships. I am sooo not ready for a relationship. At all. There is so much I need to do in regards to getting my life together. I'm a 21 year old single mother. I want to get back in school, get a job where I can support me and my son, save up for a vehicle, give my heart some TLC. So, I took a vow to be celibate for six months. No relationships, no sex, none of that. Friends, family, that's all. I'm nervous. I've never been single that long. I'm scared. When I step into that unknown abyss that is my soul, potential, fears, accomplishments, failures, memories, dreams, etc.; what am I going to find? Where will this path lead me? They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. Well, I've been in every kind of relationship you could imagine. But it always starts off the same way. I say I'm going to be single, but then I meet someone I like and we jump head first into things and before you know it all these thoughts creep in about insecurities and doubts and the what ifs. What if? I hate that question. Anywho, after those thoughts come in its all over. They're all I think about until eventually I crack and unleash it all on the poor unsuspecting soul I'm dating at the time and then *poof* the relationship is over and I'm single and they're thinking "wtf just happened?". Well I don't want to be that person anymore. It's not the relationship that causes those issues. It's me. I start feeling trapped and scared and my past comes back to fill my dreams of nightmares and I almost get claustrophobic. So instead of driving myself insane (and everyone I've ever dated), I'm trying something new. A minimum of six months is kind of scary, kind of exciting. I have no idea what to expect from myself, how things will turn out, if I will change, how I will change, what events will take place, etc etc etc. But I believe it's the best choice to make. That way nobody gets hurt and I get a chance to find out who I am without someone by my side. I have faith that I will become stronger, more connected to my God, more bonded with my son, and have a better grip on my priorities. It will definitely be a growing experience.
2) school. The more I think about it the more I want to go back. I keep changing what I want to be, where I want to study, etc etc. There is so much to decide that it's crazy, too many options for an indecisive person like me. Here's one of the main setbacks though. I lost my divorce packet during the move to my Moms. And since we started filing they have come out with a new packet. So I have to go pick up a brand new one and start from scratch. Another reason for the six months of abstinence. Though we've been separated over a year(and legally separated at that), I want that closure of my divorce being final. I don't believe I will be able to have a wholesome relationship until I have that closure. And I want to be able to get my grants for being a single mother like I haven't been able to...several schools have some amazing programs for single mothers and though we've been separated for over a year (one year and five months to be exact) they will not count me as a single mother without that lovely piece of paper that says I am no longer married. Ugh.
3) marriage. You heard most of it above. Extremely frustrating. I still don't know if I will ever get married again. Sunday marked the 2nd anniversary of our wedding day. Yep. I cried, got angry, and then slept a lot. We get along so well as friends, we do so well as parents, but we were NOT meant to be together. I wasn't mature enough for that level of commitment, he had not yet changed into the man he is today. I loved him for the man I thought he would be for me, and he grew to love me as time passed. I will never forget it. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant he broke up with me. Looked me dead in the eye and said "I love you as a friend, not as a lover.' At the time it broke my heart. Now I wish I had left our relationship there and worked out everything else. Do not take that the wrong way though. I will never regret my marriage. It taught me a lot, created memories of the three of us as a family, and created a bond between my sons father and I. I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, and I will forever be grateful for how understanding my ex-husband is. I believe that marriage these days is looked at as a piece of paper. To me, marriage is in the heart. I don't think our hearts ever really met on that level, though we are still very close friends. I know that I could call him at any time of day and he would be here for me, and vice versa. I was a lesson learned and I choose to remember the good times instead of focusing on the bad like I used to do. I will never in my life be able to make up for all the Hell I put him through as our marriage ended, and I sit here in tears as I and God for giving him the ability to forgive me and move forward. I will not go into the details of all that happened, but it was a very rough time for both of us. I was not there for him the way he needed me to be, and though we both gave it our all we didn't make it as a couple. At least I can say that my son has an amazing father though :-) I will never have to worry about that. Or one common factor nowadays is our love for our son. The love we should have had for each other failed, and instead of turning into hate that love changed and became love for our baby boy, and I'm okay with that.
4) Grams. She is coming home. Yay! I'm excited and nervous all at once. I'm so glad she'll be out of the nursing home but at the same time I'm nervous that I won't be able to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. She can't walk more than a few steps, needs help standing and sitting, needs help showering and getting to the bathroom, etc. Its going to be rough but having her home will be so worth it. It's also going to consume a lot of my time. I work nights, my mom works days. So during the day I will have her (and Anakin half the week) and at night I will be working...this is all scary yet beneficial at the same time. Anakin and I will have more time to bond with her, more memories to make, and less time for things that don't matter as much as my Grandma (like relationships). That vision I have of us sitting on the porch while the kids play will hopefully come true in the very near future! Tis is something I will keep you all more updated on as time goes by. They're saying possibly at the end of this week!
5) insecurities. My own that is. I've realized recently that I have a lot of them and that is something I would like to work on. This whole journey is about finding myself, taking care of business and exploring the unknown. Truly living if you ask me, not going through the motions every day. Of course, structure will be necessary like any other journey, and also because I have a child. Tehe. Anywho, I'm really wanting to work on my self image. Ores tell me I'm beautiful all the time and I want to be able to feel beautiful. I've started dressing up when I go out, just for the confidence boost really. I wear makeup a little more often (we're not talking Crayola style, I'm a minimalist when it comes to make up). I finally got my nails fixed (I wear acrylics bc mine break easy and I'm a server ((duh!!))). I would like to slowly build up a wardrobe that I love, though nothing I like is ever "in style" my style seems to work for me. It's just little things like that. I'd like to create a solid foundation of confidence in myself, and I think the biggest step to that will be getting started on my goals and dreams.
I'm going to leave off here. It's 3am and I have a busy day ahead of me. I want to say thank you to all of my supporters. You all have no idea how much it means to me that you all read this, and feedback is GREATLY welcomed. As I said earlier, I'll update more often now, and I hope you all enjoy! Have a great day everyone :-)
Anywho, umm... See, the past few days I've been thinking A LOT. About everything in general. So we'll go through it all piece by piece.
1) relationships. I am sooo not ready for a relationship. At all. There is so much I need to do in regards to getting my life together. I'm a 21 year old single mother. I want to get back in school, get a job where I can support me and my son, save up for a vehicle, give my heart some TLC. So, I took a vow to be celibate for six months. No relationships, no sex, none of that. Friends, family, that's all. I'm nervous. I've never been single that long. I'm scared. When I step into that unknown abyss that is my soul, potential, fears, accomplishments, failures, memories, dreams, etc.; what am I going to find? Where will this path lead me? They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. Well, I've been in every kind of relationship you could imagine. But it always starts off the same way. I say I'm going to be single, but then I meet someone I like and we jump head first into things and before you know it all these thoughts creep in about insecurities and doubts and the what ifs. What if? I hate that question. Anywho, after those thoughts come in its all over. They're all I think about until eventually I crack and unleash it all on the poor unsuspecting soul I'm dating at the time and then *poof* the relationship is over and I'm single and they're thinking "wtf just happened?". Well I don't want to be that person anymore. It's not the relationship that causes those issues. It's me. I start feeling trapped and scared and my past comes back to fill my dreams of nightmares and I almost get claustrophobic. So instead of driving myself insane (and everyone I've ever dated), I'm trying something new. A minimum of six months is kind of scary, kind of exciting. I have no idea what to expect from myself, how things will turn out, if I will change, how I will change, what events will take place, etc etc etc. But I believe it's the best choice to make. That way nobody gets hurt and I get a chance to find out who I am without someone by my side. I have faith that I will become stronger, more connected to my God, more bonded with my son, and have a better grip on my priorities. It will definitely be a growing experience.
2) school. The more I think about it the more I want to go back. I keep changing what I want to be, where I want to study, etc etc. There is so much to decide that it's crazy, too many options for an indecisive person like me. Here's one of the main setbacks though. I lost my divorce packet during the move to my Moms. And since we started filing they have come out with a new packet. So I have to go pick up a brand new one and start from scratch. Another reason for the six months of abstinence. Though we've been separated over a year(and legally separated at that), I want that closure of my divorce being final. I don't believe I will be able to have a wholesome relationship until I have that closure. And I want to be able to get my grants for being a single mother like I haven't been able to...several schools have some amazing programs for single mothers and though we've been separated for over a year (one year and five months to be exact) they will not count me as a single mother without that lovely piece of paper that says I am no longer married. Ugh.
3) marriage. You heard most of it above. Extremely frustrating. I still don't know if I will ever get married again. Sunday marked the 2nd anniversary of our wedding day. Yep. I cried, got angry, and then slept a lot. We get along so well as friends, we do so well as parents, but we were NOT meant to be together. I wasn't mature enough for that level of commitment, he had not yet changed into the man he is today. I loved him for the man I thought he would be for me, and he grew to love me as time passed. I will never forget it. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant he broke up with me. Looked me dead in the eye and said "I love you as a friend, not as a lover.' At the time it broke my heart. Now I wish I had left our relationship there and worked out everything else. Do not take that the wrong way though. I will never regret my marriage. It taught me a lot, created memories of the three of us as a family, and created a bond between my sons father and I. I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, and I will forever be grateful for how understanding my ex-husband is. I believe that marriage these days is looked at as a piece of paper. To me, marriage is in the heart. I don't think our hearts ever really met on that level, though we are still very close friends. I know that I could call him at any time of day and he would be here for me, and vice versa. I was a lesson learned and I choose to remember the good times instead of focusing on the bad like I used to do. I will never in my life be able to make up for all the Hell I put him through as our marriage ended, and I sit here in tears as I and God for giving him the ability to forgive me and move forward. I will not go into the details of all that happened, but it was a very rough time for both of us. I was not there for him the way he needed me to be, and though we both gave it our all we didn't make it as a couple. At least I can say that my son has an amazing father though :-) I will never have to worry about that. Or one common factor nowadays is our love for our son. The love we should have had for each other failed, and instead of turning into hate that love changed and became love for our baby boy, and I'm okay with that.
4) Grams. She is coming home. Yay! I'm excited and nervous all at once. I'm so glad she'll be out of the nursing home but at the same time I'm nervous that I won't be able to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. She can't walk more than a few steps, needs help standing and sitting, needs help showering and getting to the bathroom, etc. Its going to be rough but having her home will be so worth it. It's also going to consume a lot of my time. I work nights, my mom works days. So during the day I will have her (and Anakin half the week) and at night I will be working...this is all scary yet beneficial at the same time. Anakin and I will have more time to bond with her, more memories to make, and less time for things that don't matter as much as my Grandma (like relationships). That vision I have of us sitting on the porch while the kids play will hopefully come true in the very near future! Tis is something I will keep you all more updated on as time goes by. They're saying possibly at the end of this week!
5) insecurities. My own that is. I've realized recently that I have a lot of them and that is something I would like to work on. This whole journey is about finding myself, taking care of business and exploring the unknown. Truly living if you ask me, not going through the motions every day. Of course, structure will be necessary like any other journey, and also because I have a child. Tehe. Anywho, I'm really wanting to work on my self image. Ores tell me I'm beautiful all the time and I want to be able to feel beautiful. I've started dressing up when I go out, just for the confidence boost really. I wear makeup a little more often (we're not talking Crayola style, I'm a minimalist when it comes to make up). I finally got my nails fixed (I wear acrylics bc mine break easy and I'm a server ((duh!!))). I would like to slowly build up a wardrobe that I love, though nothing I like is ever "in style" my style seems to work for me. It's just little things like that. I'd like to create a solid foundation of confidence in myself, and I think the biggest step to that will be getting started on my goals and dreams.
I'm going to leave off here. It's 3am and I have a busy day ahead of me. I want to say thank you to all of my supporters. You all have no idea how much it means to me that you all read this, and feedback is GREATLY welcomed. As I said earlier, I'll update more often now, and I hope you all enjoy! Have a great day everyone :-)
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thoughts.
It's funny how much a year can change things. I'm sitting here thinking of how today was the last day of the first month in a brand new year. This reminded me of the same time last year. I had a house, a good paying job, a car, great friends and a boyfriend who would've given me anything in the world if it made me smile. And I was happy in my own way. I had all I needed. Then I look at me now. I sleep on my moms couch, drive her slowly breaking down van, work at a good job but serving at a restaurant, etc etc. But here's the thing. I'm happy. I may not have the perfect life in other peoples eyes, but I'm back to my roots and remembering the things that matter most. I'm reconnecting with my family, creating a savings account, I have a beautiful woman standing by my side, I've found who my true friends are, and I have met some amazing people. I just think it's odd how much one year can change everything, nay, how much I have changed in the past year. Last year at this time I felt I was living the dream. A year later those people in my dream are barely in my life anymore. It's bittersweet in a way. Would I go back? Probably not. But will I remember those memories fondly? Always. Now we just get to see where his year takes me. It's been such a crazy year already and I am thrilled to see where the path I'm on now leads me. I have a new drive, increased motivation and a sense of belief that I truly can set out to accomplish every goal I have set for myself. Things have most definitely changed within me the past year and I am determined to push forward as positively as possible.
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