Motherhood Moments

I have more to share tonight. Usually I have my son Sunday through Thursday afternoon. During this time I didn't work or really go anywhere unless he could go too. But the past few weeks I've had to work more to generate more income and I've had to take care of some things that he couldn't be present for. It's been rough, and today I missd him something fierce. So I came home and we actually ended up taking a four hour nap together on the couch. Now he's sitting there playing as I type this...I don't know how to explain everything I'm feeling but I'm going to try...first, I know that I'm a good mother. But there are days, a lot of the time actually, I wonder about it. I love spending time with him but it's like I can only play on his level for a little bit before I get tired. And I want to! I want to invest that time in him and play all those silly little games and laugh and tickle and make things. I try and it's like something in me shuts off and I'm just done, tired, irritable. I feel like I spend more time disciplining him than encouraging him and teaching him. It might just be the phase he's in, sometimes I'm not sure. Like, he's two.  Stubborn, defiant, thinks everytging is his, curious as all get out, extremely smart which tends to get him in trouble because he thinks he's beig sneaky, loves attention, extremely active, a cutie with his blonde hair and blue eyes,  social,  driven, I mean...so many words can describe my baby...and ofyen I feel like I'm being too hard on him. I'm a strict mother, I know this. That will not change. My first job is to teach him right from wrong, morals, good behavior.  But I sometimes wonder if I'm too strict with him. I want to teach him those lessons but I also want to show him that life should be fun...How do I find that balance? Will that come through time? I feel like most of my time with him is a battle of will. On one hand I feel that he needs to know I will be constant and on the other hand I just feel so exhausted and drained most of the time. Where is the break? The even ground? I miss the days when we used to crawl on the floor and laugh and play all day. What happened to them? Is it a change in me because of the seperation between his father and I? Is there an underlying issue that I haven't been able to address? Am I overanalyzing all of this? Could it just be a phase, and if so when will we move past it? He seems to push every button I have and on purpose! He gets this look in his eye and you just know a battle is about to ensue...how do I head that off before the battle?  There are so many questions that run through my mind every day. Am I doing this right, am I failing him? And then when he's in trouble or it's bedtime...he cries for his Dad. He tells me he misses him all the time. And I feel horrible. How do I respond to that? What do I say? "Oh yes honey, I know you miss your Dad but just so you're aware- I am the reason we aren't together anymore, let's add some more guilt".  I know the reasons his Dad and I split up. I know that we should not be together. We work well as parents together but horrible as a couple.  But he's two. He doesn't understand that. I guess my main question is this: will being a single mother get any easier? Will I ever be over this guilty feeling that has been created by my divorce? Will I ever feel like I am enough for my son as his mother? Or will I just end up being this spot in his life as the angry woman that's strict? Does this pressure of being a single parent ever ease?

Is it a calling or a curse?

So...hello again...it has been a while. Momma told me today that I've been slacking on my writing and she is 100% correct. There is so much to catch up on...I guess the best place to start is in the beginning, right? About a month ago I moved to my Mom's. Hid for a bit, reconnected with good friends, made some new ones as well. I was still feeling lost, my world had been shaken. But I slowly climbed back to solid ground. In the past few weeks I have cried, yelled, prayed, slept, and started moving forward. Then, New Years Eve, plans fell through with my cousin. So, not wanting to party, I went to my brothers. I walked in the door and looked around. Then, bam, there she was. Her name is Linny. She's beautiful from the inside out. Her soul has seen pain but she keeps moving forward. She laughs and it fills the room. She smiles and my heart skips a beat. Her favorite color is blue, her shoes MUST match her shirt, biscuits and gravy makes her whole day, exercising is like oxygen, friends and family come first, soul food makes anything better, being ticklish is a delightful curse, her eyes shine. They're green with flecks of gold and when she laughs the corners of her eyes crinkle like rays of the sun. She's patient and caring, kind but demandig respect at the same time. The type of honest that gets you in trouble at times. "Meh" is her favorite expression. There's just so much to be told, but I have to remember that this is about me. She tends to engulf my every thought. This has all been so very very overwhelming. Part of me wants to cling to her and revel in the beauty she brings to my life, the other part of me is weary because I haven't really ever been with a girl the way I am eith her. Part of me wonders if this is real, if these feelings are true. Part of me wonders if my attraction was born out of the smolderig ashes of my love turning from me. Yes, I am with a girl. A woman really. She's 24. A lady and a gentleman in one as she puts it. A few days before I met her I had decided that i was through. I was over everything and moving forward. Starting over. Oh, how wrong was I. I made it through a few days of not thinking about it all, not feeling that weight on my soul. Then I met her and made it a few more days. But it was all there. Waiting, debating, slowly seeping back in. Today it hit me. Hard. I miss him. That man I love. I have these visions in my head of memories we didn't even know we were making. Pictures formed and burned into my soul. And she knows. She held me last night as I cried. So today I talked to Momma. And I asked her what to do. Of course, I already knew to follow my heart (which says it has hope but is done with pain, just btw). Then I asked her what to do about this ache in my soul.  At that moment nothing more in my life has ever clung so desperately to an answer. And the response I recieved was so simple yet so obvious I may never have thought of it. Throughout the conversation my heart soaked in many good pieces of advice and knowledge.  The one that stuck out most was that last little tidbit though. She told me to take that ache, that shattering of my soul, and build new love from it. Use that pain to fuel my love for others...wise, wise Momma.  So that is what I will do. I'm still overwhelmed that I have a girlfriend. But she treats me better than good. She brings light and lughter to my heart. And I will follow that through.  Male or female does not matter. The way someone makes you feel does. I still don't know what will come from this. I do not believe she is a rebound. I believe she was brought into my life for a reason. Now we'll just have to wait and see what that reason is. Now on to other things because I need to focuse on them as well. Life has become this crazy whirlwind of activity. There is constantly something to be done between children, Grandma and friends. Not to mention extra shifts at work and renewed ambition towards goals not yet accomplished. I haven't quite come to terms with the things my father has done. It has went before the grand jury but we do not have any news yet. Grandma was almost out of rehab, though I can tell she is scared of what will happen when she comes home. She ended up going back into thehospital two weeks before they released her. It seems every time she starts to get better she ends up having something else happen. It was heart wrenching when she asked if I would help take care of her when she came home. She was in tears in front of strangers which I have never seen in our 21 years together. We keep praying that she will eventually come home and that we can have better quality time together. It's like a vision on repeat. Us sitting out on the back porch having some lemonade as the kids play. A dream I keep praying comes true...and then there's this underlying sense of fear. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of her. That I won't be strong enough; physically or emotionally...I guess we'll just have to see. Either way, I know I'll be here until the end.  That leads me to Mom. She has been through so much. She visits Grandma every single day, something I'm ashamed to say I have not done. She works full time and does all she can for Grams while she is in rehab.  I haven't been able to do much for her but I try to do all I can. She has dinner when she comes home, her laundry done and the house stays as clean as possible. I worry about her constantly though she doesn't know it. With our schedules being so different we usually see eachother at three am or on Wednesday afternoons. There is rarely any time for us to build our relationship the way we both want to. But, on the subject of building relationships, my brother and I have come a long way. We have had quite a few late night chats rebuilding that brother/sister relationship. It has been a great place of joy in my heart.  Now if he could just quit eating all of my food :-) hrmm...there were deeper more profound thoughts on my mind earlier but I can't seem to find the words again. So I will leave it at this for now and you can expect another post in the near future. Yes, there are still days when I feel completely lost, there are times when my soul aches unbearably, there are times I'm so stressed out I cry. As an average though, the good days are winning. I'm happy where I am, surrounded by the people I love who also love me. I am not afraid to embrace who I am and it is slowly yet steadily making life much more fulfilling. I have greater joy with my son, I appreciate the smaller things for their greater worth and I feel as if I'm making a difference in others lives with the positive vibe I have glowing within my own soul.  I don't know what this means to you all, but to me it is inner peace even through turmoil and progress on this journey. Goodnight all :-)

Hmmm...

I'm laying here tonight with so many thoughts on my mind...but I lay here listening to the rain as it drums against the windowpane and there is a sense of deep wonder on my mind...see, I have this question for you all. Have you ever met someone so profound, so different from all you've ever known, that they shake you down to the core of your very being? Like, as you stand before them you feel as if your very soul is bare, open, vulnerable and at the same  time stronger than it has ever been before?  See, I have met someone like that recently. That is not the topic of this post though. I'm talking about the way meeting someone like that makes you feel. It's like the best and worst is brought out in you all at the same time. Like you question everything you've held on to for so long. It's like taking a leap of faith and throwing caution to the wind. Someone like that awakens this deep longing, this sense of your life being unfulfilled. And it makes you wonder. Am I who I think I am, am I living life to the fullest. Is the path I have chosen the right one for me? Is this all some crazy part of God's plan or am I in too deep, thinking too much.  When you meet someone so profound they make you question your very core, the center of your being, your whole world shifts off center. Do you walk away keeping your burdens near, or do you jump and pray you can learn how to fly? I chose to jump. Right now I suppose I'm in limbo. Just floating through and trying to figure it all out. Suspended in time and wondering if this new world is gonna fall. It's a deep time, and it's been weighing on my mind all night. Even Norah Jones and rain against the window hasn't been able to distract me. I mean, we're talking about a major life change here. And it makes you wonder. Since taking that leap of faith, since the jump, I've never felt more complete. Even now laying here, typing this out on my phone. My world hasn't changed much on the outside. I still do the things I do. I feel like the change has been in my heart. I let go of the past. Finally. I still think about it all, but it doesn't hurt anymore.There will always be some trickle of sadness, and this I have come to accept. But I feel as if I have truly moved on. I...searching for the right word...I guess you can say I reorganized my priorities. Prioritized. Changed up a few things. It has brought me a lot closer to my family over the past few weeks. I've realized the things that are truly important to me. And I've started clinging to those things. I can't really put a name or word or whatever to it. I just feel like I've become, and am on the path to becoming, a better person as a whole. You know, not even two weeks ago I was lost. I honestly felt like I was in a maze. Is this right, is that wrong, should this decision be made, should I walk away from that. It was like a damn battle.  That is the only way I know how to explain. Then, suddenly, comes along this person that has been through so much, is so different amd yet so profoundly aure of life. I mean...I know I'm not making any sense. I guess I'm just still trying to figure it out myself.  When you meet someone like that your whole view of life, perspective. That is the word I have been searching for. My perspextive about life has changed completely. I know others can tell. So many people have already noticed the change in me, and the change isn't even complete. Who knows if it ever will be, but it started in the blink of an eye. My world shifted, my eyes opened and I feel so complete. So at peace. Sure of the decisions I am making.  This is such a new feeling for me. It's new and wild and overwhelming yet so calm and right and just...complete. That's the word I think of when I look back on everything that has happened the past few weeks: complete. Yes I still have goals and dreams and a purpose in my life. It's just that life itself has this newfound meaning, like this whole other dimension of my soul has awakened amd opened it's eyes to a bramd new day filled with unimaginable possibilities. And there's passion for life, ambition to move forward, motivation to take those first steps, drive to complete those goals, to acheive those dreams...I hope and I pray that I can be so profound as to change someone's life in such a positive way as this person changed mine. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't yet know the reason I met this person. I'm just hoping that its not for a reason or season, but for a lifetime. Nothing but good has come from this so far. The changes that have taken place in my life have left me feeling complete, true to myself, and spectacular. Let's pray that this change is never complete because I've never changed so much in such a short time and I've never felt better than I do in this very moment...yes, meeting someone so profound they shake you to the core...it's quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me besides becoming a parent. Now my hand is falling asleep and I think it's time for this rain to lull me into a true and hopefully deep sleep. Goodnight all (really good morning). I hope y'alls day begins and ends in a wonderfully spectacular way.

Where To Even Begin...

Guys...so much has happened...I don't even know where to begin with everything that has happened. I guess we'll start with Christmas day? Spent time with my Grandma at the rehab then went to a friends for a while. After that went to my ex's to spend time with them. My Dad was there and that was hard. I wanted him to spend time with Anakin but immediately got tired of hearing about the situation between him and Mom. I already knew all that was going on and really didn't want to hear the "whoa is me" spiel. It was overall a good Christmas.


This blog was supposed to go between the "Wow." And "Hmmm..." Blogs but it didn't. I'll update about my Dad at a later date though. I've got a light feeling in my heart and don't want to weight it down right now.