Is it a calling or a curse?

So...hello again...it has been a while. Momma told me today that I've been slacking on my writing and she is 100% correct. There is so much to catch up on...I guess the best place to start is in the beginning, right? About a month ago I moved to my Mom's. Hid for a bit, reconnected with good friends, made some new ones as well. I was still feeling lost, my world had been shaken. But I slowly climbed back to solid ground. In the past few weeks I have cried, yelled, prayed, slept, and started moving forward. Then, New Years Eve, plans fell through with my cousin. So, not wanting to party, I went to my brothers. I walked in the door and looked around. Then, bam, there she was. Her name is Linny. She's beautiful from the inside out. Her soul has seen pain but she keeps moving forward. She laughs and it fills the room. She smiles and my heart skips a beat. Her favorite color is blue, her shoes MUST match her shirt, biscuits and gravy makes her whole day, exercising is like oxygen, friends and family come first, soul food makes anything better, being ticklish is a delightful curse, her eyes shine. They're green with flecks of gold and when she laughs the corners of her eyes crinkle like rays of the sun. She's patient and caring, kind but demandig respect at the same time. The type of honest that gets you in trouble at times. "Meh" is her favorite expression. There's just so much to be told, but I have to remember that this is about me. She tends to engulf my every thought. This has all been so very very overwhelming. Part of me wants to cling to her and revel in the beauty she brings to my life, the other part of me is weary because I haven't really ever been with a girl the way I am eith her. Part of me wonders if this is real, if these feelings are true. Part of me wonders if my attraction was born out of the smolderig ashes of my love turning from me. Yes, I am with a girl. A woman really. She's 24. A lady and a gentleman in one as she puts it. A few days before I met her I had decided that i was through. I was over everything and moving forward. Starting over. Oh, how wrong was I. I made it through a few days of not thinking about it all, not feeling that weight on my soul. Then I met her and made it a few more days. But it was all there. Waiting, debating, slowly seeping back in. Today it hit me. Hard. I miss him. That man I love. I have these visions in my head of memories we didn't even know we were making. Pictures formed and burned into my soul. And she knows. She held me last night as I cried. So today I talked to Momma. And I asked her what to do. Of course, I already knew to follow my heart (which says it has hope but is done with pain, just btw). Then I asked her what to do about this ache in my soul.  At that moment nothing more in my life has ever clung so desperately to an answer. And the response I recieved was so simple yet so obvious I may never have thought of it. Throughout the conversation my heart soaked in many good pieces of advice and knowledge.  The one that stuck out most was that last little tidbit though. She told me to take that ache, that shattering of my soul, and build new love from it. Use that pain to fuel my love for others...wise, wise Momma.  So that is what I will do. I'm still overwhelmed that I have a girlfriend. But she treats me better than good. She brings light and lughter to my heart. And I will follow that through.  Male or female does not matter. The way someone makes you feel does. I still don't know what will come from this. I do not believe she is a rebound. I believe she was brought into my life for a reason. Now we'll just have to wait and see what that reason is. Now on to other things because I need to focuse on them as well. Life has become this crazy whirlwind of activity. There is constantly something to be done between children, Grandma and friends. Not to mention extra shifts at work and renewed ambition towards goals not yet accomplished. I haven't quite come to terms with the things my father has done. It has went before the grand jury but we do not have any news yet. Grandma was almost out of rehab, though I can tell she is scared of what will happen when she comes home. She ended up going back into thehospital two weeks before they released her. It seems every time she starts to get better she ends up having something else happen. It was heart wrenching when she asked if I would help take care of her when she came home. She was in tears in front of strangers which I have never seen in our 21 years together. We keep praying that she will eventually come home and that we can have better quality time together. It's like a vision on repeat. Us sitting out on the back porch having some lemonade as the kids play. A dream I keep praying comes true...and then there's this underlying sense of fear. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of her. That I won't be strong enough; physically or emotionally...I guess we'll just have to see. Either way, I know I'll be here until the end.  That leads me to Mom. She has been through so much. She visits Grandma every single day, something I'm ashamed to say I have not done. She works full time and does all she can for Grams while she is in rehab.  I haven't been able to do much for her but I try to do all I can. She has dinner when she comes home, her laundry done and the house stays as clean as possible. I worry about her constantly though she doesn't know it. With our schedules being so different we usually see eachother at three am or on Wednesday afternoons. There is rarely any time for us to build our relationship the way we both want to. But, on the subject of building relationships, my brother and I have come a long way. We have had quite a few late night chats rebuilding that brother/sister relationship. It has been a great place of joy in my heart.  Now if he could just quit eating all of my food :-) hrmm...there were deeper more profound thoughts on my mind earlier but I can't seem to find the words again. So I will leave it at this for now and you can expect another post in the near future. Yes, there are still days when I feel completely lost, there are times when my soul aches unbearably, there are times I'm so stressed out I cry. As an average though, the good days are winning. I'm happy where I am, surrounded by the people I love who also love me. I am not afraid to embrace who I am and it is slowly yet steadily making life much more fulfilling. I have greater joy with my son, I appreciate the smaller things for their greater worth and I feel as if I'm making a difference in others lives with the positive vibe I have glowing within my own soul.  I don't know what this means to you all, but to me it is inner peace even through turmoil and progress on this journey. Goodnight all :-)