Well...

I'm not really sure what to say here...I've had a lot on my mind recently and I'm not sure how to put it all in words...first, I'd like to thank an amazing friend of mine for giving me a tool to update this more frequently. I hadn't been updating as much because its a pain to do so on my phone, now I have an IPad and it works much easier.

Anywho, umm... See, the past few days I've been thinking A LOT. About everything in general. So we'll go through it all piece by piece.

1) relationships. I am sooo not ready for a relationship. At all. There is so much I need to do in regards to getting my life together. I'm a 21 year old single mother. I want to get back in school, get a job where I can support me and my son, save up for a vehicle, give my heart some TLC. So, I took a vow to be celibate for six months. No relationships, no sex, none of that. Friends, family, that's all. I'm nervous. I've never been single that long. I'm scared. When I step into that unknown abyss that is my soul, potential, fears, accomplishments, failures, memories, dreams, etc.; what am I going to find? Where will this path lead me? They say the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. Well, I've been in every kind of relationship you could imagine. But it always starts off the same way. I say I'm going to be single, but then I meet someone I like and we jump head first into things and before you know it all these thoughts creep in about insecurities and doubts and the what ifs. What if? I hate that question. Anywho, after those thoughts come in its all over. They're all I think about until eventually I crack and unleash it all on the poor unsuspecting soul I'm dating at the time and then *poof* the relationship is over and I'm single and they're thinking "wtf just happened?". Well I don't want to be that person anymore. It's not the relationship that causes those issues. It's me. I start feeling trapped and scared and my past comes back to fill my dreams of nightmares and I almost get claustrophobic. So instead of driving myself insane (and everyone I've ever dated), I'm trying something new. A minimum of six months is kind of scary, kind of exciting. I have no idea what to expect from myself, how things will turn out, if I will change, how I will change, what events will take place, etc etc etc. But I believe it's the best choice to make. That way nobody gets hurt and I get a chance to find out who I am without someone by my side. I have faith that I will become stronger, more connected to my God, more bonded with my son, and have a better grip on my priorities. It will definitely be a growing experience.

2) school. The more I think about it the more I want to go back. I keep changing what I want to be, where I want to study, etc etc. There is so much to decide that it's crazy, too many options for an indecisive person like me. Here's one of the main setbacks though. I lost my divorce packet during the move to my Moms. And since we started filing they have come out with a new packet. So I have to go pick up a brand new one and start from scratch. Another reason for the six months of abstinence. Though we've been separated over a year(and legally separated at that), I want that closure of my divorce being final. I don't believe I will be able to have a wholesome relationship until I have that closure. And I want to be able to get my grants for being a single mother like I haven't been able to...several schools have some amazing programs for single mothers and though we've been separated for over a year (one year and five months to be exact) they will not count me as a single mother without that lovely piece of paper that says I am no longer married. Ugh.

3) marriage. You heard most of it above. Extremely frustrating. I still don't know if I will ever get married again. Sunday marked the 2nd anniversary of our wedding day. Yep. I cried, got angry, and then slept a lot. We get along so well as friends, we do so well as parents, but we were NOT meant to be together. I wasn't mature enough for that level of commitment, he had not yet changed into the man he is today. I loved him for the man I thought he would be for me, and he grew to love me as time passed. I will never forget it. Two weeks after we found out I was pregnant he broke up with me. Looked me dead in the eye and said "I love you as a friend, not as a lover.' At the time it broke my heart. Now I wish I had left our relationship there and worked out everything else. Do not take that the wrong way though. I will never regret my marriage. It taught me a lot, created memories of the three of us as a family, and created a bond between my sons father and I. I will forever be grateful for the time we had together, and I will forever be grateful for how understanding my ex-husband is. I believe that marriage these days is looked at as a piece of paper. To me, marriage is in the heart. I don't think our hearts ever really met on that level, though we are still very close friends. I know that I could call him at any time of day and he would be here for me, and vice versa. I was a lesson learned and I choose to remember the good times instead of focusing on the bad like I used to do. I will never in my life be able to make up for all the Hell I put him through as our marriage ended, and I sit here in tears as I and God for giving him the ability to forgive me and move forward. I will not go into the details of all that happened, but it was a very rough time for both of us. I was not there for him the way he needed me to be, and though we both gave it our all we didn't make it as a couple. At least I can say that my son has an amazing father though :-) I will never have to worry about that. Or one common factor nowadays is our love for our son. The love we should have had for each other failed, and instead of turning into hate that love changed and became love for our baby boy, and I'm okay with that.

4) Grams. She is coming home. Yay! I'm excited and nervous all at once. I'm so glad she'll be out of the nursing home but at the same time I'm nervous that I won't be able to take care of her the way she needs to be taken care of. She can't walk more than a few steps, needs help standing and sitting, needs help showering and getting to the bathroom, etc. Its going to be rough but having her home will be so worth it. It's also going to consume a lot of my time. I work nights, my mom works days. So during the day I will have her (and Anakin half the week) and at night I will be working...this is all scary yet beneficial at the same time. Anakin and I will have more time to bond with her, more memories to make, and less time for things that don't matter as much as my Grandma (like relationships). That vision I have of us sitting on the porch while the kids play will hopefully come true in the very near future! Tis is something I will keep you all more updated on as time goes by. They're saying possibly at the end of this week!

5) insecurities. My own that is. I've realized recently that I have a lot of them and that is something I would like to work on. This whole journey is about finding myself, taking care of business and exploring the unknown. Truly living if you ask me, not going through the motions every day. Of course, structure will be necessary like any other journey, and also because I have a child. Tehe. Anywho, I'm really wanting to work on my self image. Ores tell me I'm beautiful all the time and I want to be able to feel beautiful. I've started dressing up when I go out, just for the confidence boost really. I wear makeup a little more often (we're not talking Crayola style, I'm a minimalist when it comes to make up). I finally got my nails fixed (I wear acrylics bc mine break easy and I'm a server ((duh!!))). I would like to slowly build up a wardrobe that I love, though nothing I like is ever "in style" my style seems to work for me. It's just little things like that. I'd like to create a solid foundation of confidence in myself, and I think the biggest step to that will be getting started on my goals and dreams.

I'm going to leave off here. It's 3am and I have a busy day ahead of me. I want to say thank you to all of my supporters. You all have no idea how much it means to me that you all read this, and feedback is GREATLY welcomed. As I said earlier, I'll update more often now, and I hope you all enjoy! Have a great day everyone :-)