Understanding.

I had lunch today with my husband. We were there way longer than we expected today and it was almost bittersweet. We talked of Anakin; his schooling, behavior, potty training, etc.. Then we moved on to other matters. I don't know whether to feel sad or relieved or happy to be honest. We discussed us, the things that happened, and caught up on life. I'm actually very proud of him right now. He's becoming the man I always new he could be. Following his dreams, happy, more involved in the church, an amazing Dad (as always). Life is a bit funny that way; isn't it? I believe he is going to continue growing and will one day find the woman of his dreams. Yes, that means we are going through with the divorce. Turns out we both had those overwhelming feelings of needing to fix things, to make them right. But as the days passed those faded and settled into a different emotion entirely. I think divorce is harder when you still love and respect the other person. Our love is a different kind though. I would go to the ends of the earth for him, be there as a shoulder to lean on, defend him from any harm. I know he would do the same for me. As I gave him a hug today leaving lunch, I realized this. As that song plays in my head; we are learning to love again. It's just a different kind of love. We are parents. Bonded for eternity. We respect each other and have forgiven each other for the Hell we out ourselves through. We also remember the good and choose those memories to hold on to. I believe that there will always be a calm quiet love between us, but one more of a partnership than of a spouse. We connected on a deeper level the moment our son was born, but that connection is best served in raising our child rather than trying our hardest to change who we are in the name of love. Yes...today was bittersweet. We have chosen to continue having lunch once a month so we can stay on the same page raising our child, our next meeting will actually be filling out the divorce papers together. Odd, right? We came into this together and we'll leave it together. Figuring that out was definitely a moment of closure for us both.

I'd like to go a little more in depth with you all about my dream. Today I realized that to give up on it would be to give up a part of me. I am a peaceful person at heart. I want nothing more than to help others and to leave my small mark on this world. I want a home filled with love and laughter and the basic fundamentals of this earth. Respect. Love. Laughter. Companionship. Lessons learned. Room to grow. When I pass away I want people to remember a woman filled with love and joy to be alive. A random smile really can make someone's day, ya know? I accept the world with open arms and a warm embrace. That is how I want to be remembered. That is what my dream is based upon. Freedom from the darkness in this world. I want my bay window to let the light in. To teach my children to appreciate nature. To show them there is beauty, even if they feel trapped in a world so cruel. A way to see outside of the box I suppose. Look for the silver lining. And my kitchen so they know what good soul food is. A home cooked meal is hard to come by these days apparently. I want land and horses to teach them to be at one with their surroundings, to trust even when there are communication barriers or a difference between two living souls. I want land to teach them not everything has to be about the future. Our ancestors didn't have what we have. They lived a simple life, made mud patties and worked hard to earn their keep. That is what I want my children to know. They had Faith through rough seasons and kept working from sun up to sun down. It was hard work, but it was also rewarding. I want my children to know THAT kind of reward. I want a home full of unconditional love so they can learn forgiveness, have the space to make their own mistakes, and know that they will always be welcomed back with open arms. Because THAT is what family means. They will have chores and discipline and sweet lemonade; because nothing beats yummy lemonade on a hot day. I could go on all day. I think this will suffice though.