Marriage.

Let me share a few things with you all about marriage. It's a vow, a promise. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, to protect each other, to love each other, to give it all you've got and then some. It's a promise to never give up, even when the going gets tough. But it's even more than that. It's giving someone a piece of your soul and trusting them to fill that void with a piece of their own. It's angry nights staying up all hours so you don't go to bed fighting. It's complete honesty. It's facing fear of the unknown, learning someone's darkest secrets, learning things about yourself and working on them to create a better future. It's giving someone the ability to crush your very soul and then having complete faith that they won't. It's the thing God himself created for us, so we could have someone to show us His love as much as humanly possible. It's understanding, compassion, passion, faith, love, trust, unconditional. Unconditional. It's choosing to be with someone, ONE PERSON, for the rest of your life. No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. It's working through doubts, it's making it through struggles, it's denying the odds. Marriage is the ability to wake up every day next to the same person and love them even more than the day before. It is not lust or a fiery passion. It is a simple, steady kind of love that says "I'm still here with you". It is the ability to love them wholeheartedly; no matter what you see when you look into their soul. I wrote this once when discussing love with a friend...

"Love is a many splendid thing. Haha, sorry, Moulin Rouge quote.

To me love is ever changing. Always present but never the same. Its being able to look at someone and see them for who they are. We all put up fronts, wear masks, act different around different people. Loving someone means you can see to the bottom of their soul. Insecurities wrapped up in emotion, dreams long forgotten or born anew, skeletons in the closet, quirks and all. Love is seeing all of that and still feeling an overwhelming sense of joy radiating from your heart, because along with the "bad" you can see the good. The effort put into every day, the smiles that are true, the little things that make you laugh. Love is seeing part of yourself reflected in someone else. Wanting to help someone grow, be a shoulder to lean on, a friend to laugh with and do silly things nobody else would understand. Its wanting someone next to you that makes you feel comfortable whether you're crying or shouting from the rooftops. I mean honestly, what it all boils down to is how someone makes you feel and wanting with every fiber of your being to make them feel the same."

With all of that being said I want to discuss my marriage, and pending divorce, with my husband. Most days I refer to him as my ex-husband, seeing as how we've been separated for a year and a half. I loved him that much, or rather, the idea in my head of who he could be. We married young, but we were determined. Then the hard times came. We started arguing all the time, our intimate time became discussions of bills and our son and our problems and anything else negative you could imagine. We were not growing, we were failing. Miserably. There were things from the past I wouldn't let go, there were things in the present he chose to ignore. I was mean and so was he. Any time we were in the same room all defenses were raised. There was no security, no sense of belonging like there should have been. And I blame that on myself mostly. We both used work as a refuge. I was always so worried there was someone else or that he hadn't gotten over his ex-fiancé. I was always so worried I wasn't good enough. And so I put that off on him and made him feel as if he wasn't enough. I never meant to. Didn't even realize I was doing it until the day he left. And I'll never forget that day. The look in his eyes. The remorse, the sadness. And he looked at me right before he left. He said "you never loved me. You loved who you thought I could be". And he was right. Now lets get one thing straight. Him leaving was my fault. See, I met this friend at work. It started innocent. We were both having issues in our marriages and thought we could come together and help the other out. It didn't end innocent. At two am I came home and found that my husband had been out looking for me. That night I had let a man who wasn't my husband kiss me. Looking back I realize that I thought that was my only way out of my self made misery. Little did I know, it would only lead to more. The look in my husbands eyes as I had told him what I had done will forever haunt me. Forever. Yet he still wanted to make things work. Bt I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't allow him to forgive me. I had turned my back on our vows, and in turn I had turned my back on him. So we separated. The news spread like wildfire and I hid from the world in my own little shell. I started going by my maiden name again and almost convinced myself that I had never loved him enough to marry him. It was like I was just trying erase our marriage, like it never existed. As the time passed I believed that I had made the right decision. I went to him once and asked him to come home. His response broke my heart. He said "I don't know if I could do that. I'll always wonder who is next, if there will be another". I crawled back home and swore 'never again'. Then I quickly jumped into another relationship and it lasted a while until my heart took over. I focused the emotions on another person (love) but even then thoughts of my husband creeped in every day. The relationship I was in ended. That was my doings. The night things went really bad my husband is actually the one who came and got me. I remember sitting in his room bawling my eyes out saying "I wasn't ready. I wasn't over you". And he wrapped his arms around me and said "stay strong, you'll figure it out, you always do". So I moved back home. Started helping take care of my Grandma, met some people, started to regain a glimpse of who I am. And there have been many many nights I have sat here and thought of my marriage. The mistakes we both made, the things I have shared here and so much more. And over time and review of our marriage I realized that to this day I love my husband for who he his, for who he was, and for who he is growing into. All at once. Not just one, but all three. In February we were officially married a full year, though we were only together for seven of those months. That night it hit me hard. Then Anakin's birthday came along and I got a message saying "Just wanted to thank you for Anakin. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry things are the way they are and we can't enjoy these moments together." I cried harder than I've ever cried before. Two days later I asked my own husband for a date. Just a date, but a real one. A chance to see if things really could work. A chance to see if we hadn't finished the divorce because of procrastination or a chance to see if we could really be together. He said he needed to think about it and that he would get back to me. A month later I hadn't heard anything about it. Like it had never happened. So when I met a guy through a friend and he asked me out on a date, I said yes for the first time in a while. I was honest with him from the start and let him know what was going on and he has been wonderful about giving me my space to figure things out while being an amazing man all at once. He has known from the start how I feel and he has taken it all in stride. Until today. This was the day I was finally saying 'enough'. I didn't want to flip flop back and forth. I didn't want to second guess my every move. I didn't want this pain anymore. This sense of failure hanging over me like a cloud. I feel like I've failed everyone. Me, my husband, our son, God, the people that had come to know us as a couple, those who took inspiration in our story. I just wanted closure. So I did the only thing I knew I could do. The only answer I had left. I went and picked up a new divorce packet and began filling it out. Then I left for work. Every Monday my husband calls to see when I will be getting off work and picking up my son. Today he asked if Wednesday would be a good day to have lunch and talk about our son (not an unusual thing). He will be starting school in August and we need to figure everything out. Today though, there was an extra request. He asked if we could have time to talk about Anakin and to just talk. I agreed. The sadness in his tone worried me, but I put it off as him having a long day. So I went to work and then went to get my son. We were standing outside chit chatting, as per usual, when he said something that made me stop in my tracks. The conversation goes as follows:
*Anakin making one of his many angry faces*
"Haha, that's Daddy's angry face"
"Nah, how would you know"
"We'll I was with you for three years and I can be pretty infuriating at times"
"Yea, but I still love you" *kisses me on forehead*

I've barely stopped crying since pulling out of his drive. One year and six months. One year and six months since I have heard those words from him. Today of all days. Is it a sign? Was it an "I love you" as one would tell a friend? Was it hope? For me it was hope. That hope I had buried so deep, trying to forget it existed. I told the guy I've been dating. He's having a rough time with it and understandably so. I don't know what to do here. Here is a guy who wants to start a new beginning with me. Here is my husband, whom I love unconditionally. I know without a doubt in my heart what I want. What I have hope for. But will it happen? I'd throw everything away. I'd start over new, just for you. I would do everything in my power, just to see us through. Would you do it to? Do you still love me as I so desperately want you to? If not, I'll put my big girl panties on and move forward. I'll have the closure I need. But if you do. Oh, if you do. I vow to you that I will never make the same mistakes over. I will be everything I can be. Just for you. You alone. One person. One man. One soul on this earth that I gave that promise to. There is a song called 'Just Give Me A Reason' by P¡nk and Nate Ruess. It has been on my phone since first hearing it. It has been on repeat since those words. Please, give me a reason. It's all meaningless without you and I don't want to find meaning without you. I will if I have to. I know I'm strong enough to. But I don't want to. And this battle within is unfair to everyone involved. I'm being selfish. I know that. I love you enough to start over. To be with you forever. I also love you enough to let you go if that is what you need. Just know that I need you. And it's like never before. Once, I loved you because I needed you. Now, I need you because I love you. I only hope that I didn't realize that too late...