Motherhood Moments

I have more to share tonight. Usually I have my son Sunday through Thursday afternoon. During this time I didn't work or really go anywhere unless he could go too. But the past few weeks I've had to work more to generate more income and I've had to take care of some things that he couldn't be present for. It's been rough, and today I missd him something fierce. So I came home and we actually ended up taking a four hour nap together on the couch. Now he's sitting there playing as I type this...I don't know how to explain everything I'm feeling but I'm going to try...first, I know that I'm a good mother. But there are days, a lot of the time actually, I wonder about it. I love spending time with him but it's like I can only play on his level for a little bit before I get tired. And I want to! I want to invest that time in him and play all those silly little games and laugh and tickle and make things. I try and it's like something in me shuts off and I'm just done, tired, irritable. I feel like I spend more time disciplining him than encouraging him and teaching him. It might just be the phase he's in, sometimes I'm not sure. Like, he's two.  Stubborn, defiant, thinks everytging is his, curious as all get out, extremely smart which tends to get him in trouble because he thinks he's beig sneaky, loves attention, extremely active, a cutie with his blonde hair and blue eyes,  social,  driven, I mean...so many words can describe my baby...and ofyen I feel like I'm being too hard on him. I'm a strict mother, I know this. That will not change. My first job is to teach him right from wrong, morals, good behavior.  But I sometimes wonder if I'm too strict with him. I want to teach him those lessons but I also want to show him that life should be fun...How do I find that balance? Will that come through time? I feel like most of my time with him is a battle of will. On one hand I feel that he needs to know I will be constant and on the other hand I just feel so exhausted and drained most of the time. Where is the break? The even ground? I miss the days when we used to crawl on the floor and laugh and play all day. What happened to them? Is it a change in me because of the seperation between his father and I? Is there an underlying issue that I haven't been able to address? Am I overanalyzing all of this? Could it just be a phase, and if so when will we move past it? He seems to push every button I have and on purpose! He gets this look in his eye and you just know a battle is about to ensue...how do I head that off before the battle?  There are so many questions that run through my mind every day. Am I doing this right, am I failing him? And then when he's in trouble or it's bedtime...he cries for his Dad. He tells me he misses him all the time. And I feel horrible. How do I respond to that? What do I say? "Oh yes honey, I know you miss your Dad but just so you're aware- I am the reason we aren't together anymore, let's add some more guilt".  I know the reasons his Dad and I split up. I know that we should not be together. We work well as parents together but horrible as a couple.  But he's two. He doesn't understand that. I guess my main question is this: will being a single mother get any easier? Will I ever be over this guilty feeling that has been created by my divorce? Will I ever feel like I am enough for my son as his mother? Or will I just end up being this spot in his life as the angry woman that's strict? Does this pressure of being a single parent ever ease?