Apparently never posted this. It's from a couple of weeks ago.

Lets see how random this gets. Lol.

Questions in my head:
Will I always worry this much?
Are women really so worried about their weight that they don't like food?
Am I always going to feel like there's this empty space in my heart?
Is my journey a success so far?
Will my boy be proud of me when he grows up?
Can friendship really last forever?
Why have a I had to frickin pee so much lately?
*sidenote: no possibility of pregnancy, I promise.*
Will someone create an invention that shows you how other people see you?
Will I ever feel good about myself for an extended period of time?
Does dealing with the ups and downs of being bipolar very get easier?
Why is Law&Order so addicting?
Could my baby boy ever be any cuter?!
Will someone make me chocolate milk?
Nope...so is it worth getting up to go get it?
What does this boy want with me?
Why is he so sweet?
How can someone treat me so well without me returning those feelings/emotions/etc?
Does he truly understand I can't handle any kind of a relationship right now?
Will I ever conquer my fear?
Is that chocolate milk worth it?
Hmm....I wonder how cold it is outside...
Have a I had too many cigarettes today?
Is another worth facing the cold?
Why am I not sleeping?
Can I breathe yet?
Why is this show so damn funny?!
Why did my son suddenly slide to the floor?
Why is he sitting there?
How does he sleep in such weird positions?
If I move him tonight will he yell at me?
Awh, did he really just do that?!
He just did that. Hugs are the best and he didn't yell. Is this Heaven?
How does one become a hand model?
How do these people have such perfect skin?
Isn't anyone else proud of their scars?
Can I have a motorcycle man made of money?
Do people really talk about toilet paper yet?
Has anyone figured out that there was a commercial break?
Am I truly healing or just going crazier?
Life has to get better from here, right?
Does everything really happen for a reason?
Is anyone else tired yet?
Can anyone believe that this was my mind within less than five minutes?

Yep. Eff that. Cigarette, meditation, hopefully sleep. I'm hard at work trying to get out of this down phase I'm sure you've all noticed I've been in. Work in the morning. Grams has surgery tomorrow. Lord, there's so much on my mind...sweet dreams readers.

Yep.

I have no idea what I'm typing here, just FYI. Watching some show on scyfy that I'm actually enjoying, but I'm still wanting my space on here? I'm not sure but I think if I type randomly it should eventually come out. I know I had words in my head earlier as I was listening to Mary J. Blige. I was listening to a song I was introduced to earlier called The Living Proof. It made me think of everything I've been through in my life. From the abuse, to being an alcoholic, to being a mother, to being a wife, to being a single mother, to jumping from relationship to relationship, etc etc...and now..

I've been dreaming of a better place
Yet everywhere I go, I see your face
Can't seem to break free
Of this hold you have on me
This isn't how it was supposed to end
My heart can't break, but my does it bend
With best of intentions
You told me lies
With best of intentions
It's you I despise
Of all places you had to bring me here
Why is it always you that I fear

I don't even know where that came from, or why I'm typing as fast as I am. This is ludicrous, absolutely insane. I feel like there's something trying to push its way out, something that needs to be heard, but I don't know where to start or how to begin. There's so much chaos going on in my mind, so much running behind the scenes. I loved you, yes this is true. And Lord do I miss you so. Can you feel the pain in me? It's like, no matter how far I go, no matter how much good pushes through, I can still feel the pain there. All around me. I don't understand. I mean, I've been through so much in my life. And some days I brush it off like its nothing. And others I realize the magnitude of all I've been through. And then I think of all these things running through my mind, my troubles of the day, and I realize that it doesn't matter. This journey is the hardest thing I've ever been through. This is life. Before I was just surviving, I was just breathing and moving forward. Now I feel and I think and I can't even breathe anymore! Why can't I just be happy?! Will it really take medication to stop the ups and downs? And I know why I crashed. I spent the past few days with this boy knowing I shouldn't have, finally having the guts tonight to stand up and say I've had enough, I need my space. I crashed while I was at work because I knew what was coming. And then he was all sweet about it and understanding. God it makes me sick. For once can I just not have to deal with some guy trying to be there for me? Just let me do this on my own. I almost feel like its a test. Like every time I start to think I can do this on my own God puts some good man in my life and I'm drawn to them but I'm not ready, and I know I'm not ready. I can't even trust people anymore. I can't trust myself. Why am I wasting my time with some boy when I'm probably gonna break his heart in the end. Because that's what I do right? They call it the Strickland Curse. People fall in love with us. Its like the bad, the dark, is all hidden or something. Then they fall in love with us and we don't fall in love with them, or we do and then we fall out of love, it just makes no sense to me. I just want to be done with it all. I want to be a single woman, I want to learn how to be happy on my own. I want to be Sarah Strickland. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all I want. But that's just it. I am me. I'm me and nothing more and nothing less than completely and utterly lost at heart. And it's a beautiful ride. I'm terrified, I'm elated, I'm worried, I know I'm not in control. That's the hardest part for me. See, us past abused kids tend to want to be in complete control of our environment, in a passive aggressive way of course. And the sooner I realize I need to give up that control the better. That's hard though. And I'm not sure how. Recognizing the problem has helped I suppose. Now it's time for me to go meditate and pray and probably watch more than a little tv. I think I just need some fresh air...something to get me out of here...


Also, I just read that poem and realized I was writing it to myself...hmmm. Don't know what to think there...

Presence

On to other things now. I know this is probably really unorganized but so is my mind so I suppose it just all fits with the way I feel right now. I met a man a while back. He was a good friend of mine. Then we crossed a line. I realized that I was doing the same things I have always done. Be with someone you don't think things will get serious with and maybe you can have that companionship without the attachment. This is my cycle. The problem is, one party always gets attached and someone ends up getting hurt. I stopped things before I got hurt on this one. Then had about a four hour discussion with a good friend about things that needed to change in my life. Then almost slipped back into the same cycle. That time I would have ended up hurting him. He treated me better than any man ever had before. He was steady when I was crazy, made me push myself to have fun, took me on fairytale dates, had a lot of goals and a perspective on life that mirrored mine, and he was real. Real is important. But I wasn't ready for any of that. Noticed what was happening and asked him to walk away before he got hurt. See, lately I've been on this pity party. Everything is so stressful, I can't handle it all, what am I supposed to do, etc, etc. Its been quite pathetic honestly. But I had surrounded myself with people that enabled me to continue living that way. I had enabled myself to be that way by allowing these people to tell me that I was right in my wallowing self pity ways. Taking a step back and talking to someone different put a lot of things into perspective for me. For so long now I've been living my life according to what others think I should do. I seek approval for every step I take. It has to stop. I've become so far engrossed in what others think is best for me that some days I don't even know who I am anymore. It's time to take a stand! I know the things I need to do and it all starts by facing myself, facing my fear of failing if I do things on my own. So here is my list, here are my goals:
1) I started this one today so don't think these are in order of importance; it's just the first that came to mind. Growing my self confidence. Often I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. I have this image of who I want to be, what I want to see when I look in the mirror. So today, though I shouldn't have, I splurged on some new clothes. And I love them. I adore them. I put them on and think "wow, this is me!". You see, when someone first sees you they should be able to learn something about you. This does not mean you should judge someone based on their looks. What I mean is that I want my clothes to be a reflection on the outside of who I am on the inside. So much of my wardrobe is composed of things others have given me, which I am grateful for, that it doesn't even begin to resemble who I am as a person. So today I got to explore a little more of what I like and what I want to wear. Also, I want to take a moment to say I LOVE thrift shops and the things you can find for way cheaper than a retail store. I adore the pieces I found today and when I wear them I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Coming to terms with the way my body has changed since having a child has been hard. Finding things that fit properly and make me feel good about the way I look has helped more than words can describe.
2) start working out. I will be in better shape, look better and feel more centered. When I work out and can see the improvements in my body it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel better about life. Now, by no means am I fat. I'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (amazon woman at 5'6, weighing in at 137). I just want to change the water weight I've been carrying over to toned muscle. Now, I know that my body looks just fine the way it is. Everyone tells me so. I, however, am not happy with it. I have not been taking care of myself the way I should and its time to start living a healthier lifestyle. It will help me keep up with Anakin's out of this world energy, feel more confident in myself, and it will also show my son that living healthy is a good thing. It's a win win situation all the way around. Now I've thought of just getting those at home 'dance it off' DVDs. I don't really like gyms all that much, but I do love to dance. Anakin does as well so that would take away the "I don't have time, I have my kid" excuse. Then I could choose what time works best and create a habit (takes 21 days) that is healthy and beneficial for us both. Does anyone have any experience with these DVDs, and if so is there any one that works better than others?
3)patience. I have GOT to work on my patience. I tend to expect immediate results in every aspect of my life, and I get frustrated when I don't see them. That's why cleaning is so therapeutic for me. I clean, turn around, and see the results. That's part of why this journey has been so hard for me. No results are guaranteed and they're certainly not immediately noticeable. I would like to think that I have grown since beginning this journey, but I know that I have stunted my own growth in a few areas because of my own impatience. So, I plan to end each night with at least 15 minutes of meditation. That way I can reflect on the day to see the good and bad, also so that I can take a moment to celebrate the small victories that I sometimes forget about. Those small victories are what will eventually lead to many more breakthroughs on this journey.
4)NO relationships. Lord Almighty I am not good with that one. I start off doing great, knowing that I need this time as an independent woman to recreate who I am into who I am striving to be. Then someone comes along with attention to spare for me and I say "well what if they're the one, are you just going to let them walk by?" Then I jump into things and run through every possible scenario in my head until, yet again, I realize I AM NOT READY! I am hoping that my meditation with help with this as well. I'm still too afraid for a relationship. I too scared to let someone that close to me. I know this. That is not something I can change but something that will change with time and growth along my own personal journey. Now I just have to remind myself of that every time some cutie with a booty walks by flashing a smile. I don't need any more hearts broken; mine included!
5)my over all goal is to regain the momentum I began this journey with. A lot has happened and I've allowed it all to wear me down. I can't do that. I need to persevere, even through difficult times. I will never know how strong I am until I stop setting these limits and thinking things are too much for me. I do need to set up those personal boundaries to quit allowing people to drain me, but I believe that I have recently acquired some good people to surround myself with that continually feed into me more than they take from me. I stunning. Auto correct error there but I like it. Anywho, I'm standing up on my own two feet for the first time in a while and it feels great. Reducing the negativity, increasing the positive, and making my own way. I have these safe havens I was continually running to when I was just moments from a breakthrough. I was getting nowhere and stressing myself running in circles. I don't think I've moved forward much recently, but I've stood still and observed. I do believe that's a step forward in itself.


Observing myself and realizing those patterns has enabled me to create a plan for a better future. Everything in my goals will be an ongoing process that will continue to bring good energy, though I'm sometimes too impatient to see that. I have a support system around me, including you faithful readers, that is helping to push me forward through the rough spots on this journey. I'll be honest with you all. I've almost quit a time or two. Ready to give up and move on like I was. But then I thought of all I've written here and I realized I can't quit now. The best thing about this blog (to me) is that I can go back and read previous passages and remind myself of my reasons for starting, my breakthroughs, and a refresher course on where I'm supposed to be. I never want to stop growing. Standing still for a little bit is okay. Taking a step or two back is even alright. **see bottom**. I have almost given up on everything recently, but the I refresh myself on my very own passages and I realize how far I've come. This blog isn't just a project to me. It's my place to vent without making someone listen to my groveling. It's my place to fall apart, where only I am here to put myself back together. It's my place to share things with the world: hopes, dreams, inspiration, and even the darkness. This blog is a part of who I am, and I refuse to give up on me. Writing tonight has helped me regain that determination and fire I felt I had begun to lose. I made a promise to myself that I would push through any obstacles and come out of my shell to show the world who I am at heart. That promise hasn't been broken yet though I've gotten off track a little at times. I'm pushing through though, and I believe I can feel the change in me.

**sidenote!: I once read a quote that said "You may test the same path as many times as you wish. You'll either decide you like the path, or you'll turn and make another. At any fork in the road you should explore both sides before choosing which is best for you and that takes time."
Another is "Growth is like a turning set of stairs. You climb and climb and climb. Sometimes you reach a plateau before the next set of stairs. This does not mean you've stopped moving forward. Merely, you have reached a point where you can look back and admire your accomplishments before moving up again." And lets see who can guess the movie "sometimes you've gotta go back a little to go forward"**

The Inner-Bitch in me.

Sidenote: I thought of not posting this, I fell asleep the night I wrote it. But I can not erase what has already been written. So, forgive me if this all is rude or hurtful in any way. It is how I felt in that moment and some of it is how I still feel in the present.
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Oh Lord, where do I even begin...I think we'll start with people. See lately, I've been keeping my mouth shut and I'm about done with that. If you see your name, you know I've been holding back what I want to say. If you don't but want to know, just ask me. Lol

Mother: First on my mind tonight, and mostly because you said we'd talk and then you went to bed. It kills me me that you don't tell me things, that you aren't honest. You twist things because you're "afraid to hurt someone" or "don't think the argument is worth it". Well it is. I am so sick of hearing you talk about people behind their backs, me included, and then act like nothing is wrong when you're face to face with someone. I swear sometimes you act like a teenager. And I don't have a lot of room to talk on the maturity level, I've got a lot of growing left to do. But here is what I want to say to you: until you change the things you do and the way you act you will never be happy with your life. And I'm like you in a lot of ways. I give too much, I don't stand up for myself enough, and I fall for things easily. But the difference between you and I is that I have the balls to say things to people's face when I have a problem; and had you been awake tonight I would be saying this to you instead of typing it.

Boo: I don't like the way you live your life. Part of it is envy, because I haven't been able to do the things you do. The rest is just seeing you make some bad moral choices. Plus, you enable me. I'll get to that later though. You have no stability. Doesn't that bother you? I mean, to each their own I suppose. I guess I just remember the way you used to be and now we've both changed a lot.

16: I've never mentioned you in my blog but I'm sure you'll know this is you from the memory. After all, you never forget anything. I don't know how to feel about you anymore. We used to be such close friends. Now we talk every single day again but it's just not the same. We aren't the same, life has molded us both differently. I read the things you type and hear the old you; the you I knew. But then I see you face to face and everything changes. It's like this rift keeping us from being as close as we once were. I was crazy about you before, but now those emotions are just a memory. I also feel Like my memories of our friendship are a lie and you're just some stranger on the street. I want to be able to trust you again, to open my heart. But you abandoned me once. Will you do it again in the future? This is what is holding me back from opening up to you again. Trust. It's hard to renew.

Country Boy: move forward. Quit wasting time on loving me. I'm not saying I'm not worth it. I'm saying its not going to work. Too much has happened, scars are already there, these are all reasons for you to move on. The main one though, is that my heart isn't in it and nothing you say or do will change that. I know this to be true. Yes, nobody knows what the future holds. How can you be so willing to miss the present because of an unknown future though?

Love: go lick a monkeys hairy testicles you coward.

Grams: I love you and I constantly feel like I'm failing you. Quit being afraid to ask me for things, stop shutting people out. We're here because we care. We're here because we want to help you. Tell me what you need from me. Set those expectations, allow yourself to let people give you what you want/need. You aren't a burden, I don't resent you, just let me be here for you.

LP: why are you even in my life still? You drain the positive from me and you continue to hold on to a past that only hurt both of us. Take a step back and breathe. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place. I am here for you but I am really fed up with the negativity. You hit rock bottom. Now stand up for yourself or you'll stay there.

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Now...I never finished typing out one of those lovely messages for everyone, but those emotions have passed and tonight is about things that are new. So much has happened since that night, I had almost forgotten about the unfinished post...

I suppose we'll start with mother. I over reacted a bit to a situation but I still stand behind the rest. We're getting along again but mostly because I am learning to just let things go. Life can't always be my way, right? We've discussed a lot of things recently that makes me feel like our mother/daughter relationship is growing, but I have to admit that there is still a lack of trust there. It's very hard for me to trust someone when that trust has been broken before and it seems as if nothing can be said without others having to know about it. This frustrates me. I feel I should be able to speak to my own mother in confidence and I don't have that ability for fear of everyone else knowing what has been said. That's not fair but it is something we are working on.

16: some things were revealed the other night and I'm having a hard time processing everything. I almost feel like every serious conversation is a test or a subtle mind game. It's pushing me away even more.

Love: I had an epiphany the other day. Everything about you. Everything. From your soft hair to your misery. Everything about you reminds me of the LP I once knew. I love him so very much...and you. You were a drug free version of the him I used to know. Yes, I loved you for who you were. But what drew me back to you time and again after I was continually hurt was not you, it was memories that found life through your living soul. Even your cowardly ways are reminiscent of his. When I think of all of this I just feel sorrow. I want to thank you for walking away. I never realized how unhealthy you were for my heart until you didn't have it anymore. I still love you. Part of me always will. I was not consciously trying to replace him with you. Noticing the similarities between the two of you has just given me an entirely new perspective.

LP: my sweet sweet baby...I'm sorry. I know that I was the only one left to care. I know you feel as if I turned my back on you. Forgive me baby; I had to. When will you ever learn to stand on your own if I am there catching you every time you fall? I want you to be free. I want you to be full of life again. I want to love you again. In this moment you are the shell of a great man I once knew. You need to rise above the ashes of all that has burned around you. Quit wallowing in the sorrow and stand in the light. Then you will have me in your life again.