Presence

On to other things now. I know this is probably really unorganized but so is my mind so I suppose it just all fits with the way I feel right now. I met a man a while back. He was a good friend of mine. Then we crossed a line. I realized that I was doing the same things I have always done. Be with someone you don't think things will get serious with and maybe you can have that companionship without the attachment. This is my cycle. The problem is, one party always gets attached and someone ends up getting hurt. I stopped things before I got hurt on this one. Then had about a four hour discussion with a good friend about things that needed to change in my life. Then almost slipped back into the same cycle. That time I would have ended up hurting him. He treated me better than any man ever had before. He was steady when I was crazy, made me push myself to have fun, took me on fairytale dates, had a lot of goals and a perspective on life that mirrored mine, and he was real. Real is important. But I wasn't ready for any of that. Noticed what was happening and asked him to walk away before he got hurt. See, lately I've been on this pity party. Everything is so stressful, I can't handle it all, what am I supposed to do, etc, etc. Its been quite pathetic honestly. But I had surrounded myself with people that enabled me to continue living that way. I had enabled myself to be that way by allowing these people to tell me that I was right in my wallowing self pity ways. Taking a step back and talking to someone different put a lot of things into perspective for me. For so long now I've been living my life according to what others think I should do. I seek approval for every step I take. It has to stop. I've become so far engrossed in what others think is best for me that some days I don't even know who I am anymore. It's time to take a stand! I know the things I need to do and it all starts by facing myself, facing my fear of failing if I do things on my own. So here is my list, here are my goals:
1) I started this one today so don't think these are in order of importance; it's just the first that came to mind. Growing my self confidence. Often I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. I have this image of who I want to be, what I want to see when I look in the mirror. So today, though I shouldn't have, I splurged on some new clothes. And I love them. I adore them. I put them on and think "wow, this is me!". You see, when someone first sees you they should be able to learn something about you. This does not mean you should judge someone based on their looks. What I mean is that I want my clothes to be a reflection on the outside of who I am on the inside. So much of my wardrobe is composed of things others have given me, which I am grateful for, that it doesn't even begin to resemble who I am as a person. So today I got to explore a little more of what I like and what I want to wear. Also, I want to take a moment to say I LOVE thrift shops and the things you can find for way cheaper than a retail store. I adore the pieces I found today and when I wear them I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Coming to terms with the way my body has changed since having a child has been hard. Finding things that fit properly and make me feel good about the way I look has helped more than words can describe.
2) start working out. I will be in better shape, look better and feel more centered. When I work out and can see the improvements in my body it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel better about life. Now, by no means am I fat. I'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (amazon woman at 5'6, weighing in at 137). I just want to change the water weight I've been carrying over to toned muscle. Now, I know that my body looks just fine the way it is. Everyone tells me so. I, however, am not happy with it. I have not been taking care of myself the way I should and its time to start living a healthier lifestyle. It will help me keep up with Anakin's out of this world energy, feel more confident in myself, and it will also show my son that living healthy is a good thing. It's a win win situation all the way around. Now I've thought of just getting those at home 'dance it off' DVDs. I don't really like gyms all that much, but I do love to dance. Anakin does as well so that would take away the "I don't have time, I have my kid" excuse. Then I could choose what time works best and create a habit (takes 21 days) that is healthy and beneficial for us both. Does anyone have any experience with these DVDs, and if so is there any one that works better than others?
3)patience. I have GOT to work on my patience. I tend to expect immediate results in every aspect of my life, and I get frustrated when I don't see them. That's why cleaning is so therapeutic for me. I clean, turn around, and see the results. That's part of why this journey has been so hard for me. No results are guaranteed and they're certainly not immediately noticeable. I would like to think that I have grown since beginning this journey, but I know that I have stunted my own growth in a few areas because of my own impatience. So, I plan to end each night with at least 15 minutes of meditation. That way I can reflect on the day to see the good and bad, also so that I can take a moment to celebrate the small victories that I sometimes forget about. Those small victories are what will eventually lead to many more breakthroughs on this journey.
4)NO relationships. Lord Almighty I am not good with that one. I start off doing great, knowing that I need this time as an independent woman to recreate who I am into who I am striving to be. Then someone comes along with attention to spare for me and I say "well what if they're the one, are you just going to let them walk by?" Then I jump into things and run through every possible scenario in my head until, yet again, I realize I AM NOT READY! I am hoping that my meditation with help with this as well. I'm still too afraid for a relationship. I too scared to let someone that close to me. I know this. That is not something I can change but something that will change with time and growth along my own personal journey. Now I just have to remind myself of that every time some cutie with a booty walks by flashing a smile. I don't need any more hearts broken; mine included!
5)my over all goal is to regain the momentum I began this journey with. A lot has happened and I've allowed it all to wear me down. I can't do that. I need to persevere, even through difficult times. I will never know how strong I am until I stop setting these limits and thinking things are too much for me. I do need to set up those personal boundaries to quit allowing people to drain me, but I believe that I have recently acquired some good people to surround myself with that continually feed into me more than they take from me. I stunning. Auto correct error there but I like it. Anywho, I'm standing up on my own two feet for the first time in a while and it feels great. Reducing the negativity, increasing the positive, and making my own way. I have these safe havens I was continually running to when I was just moments from a breakthrough. I was getting nowhere and stressing myself running in circles. I don't think I've moved forward much recently, but I've stood still and observed. I do believe that's a step forward in itself.


Observing myself and realizing those patterns has enabled me to create a plan for a better future. Everything in my goals will be an ongoing process that will continue to bring good energy, though I'm sometimes too impatient to see that. I have a support system around me, including you faithful readers, that is helping to push me forward through the rough spots on this journey. I'll be honest with you all. I've almost quit a time or two. Ready to give up and move on like I was. But then I thought of all I've written here and I realized I can't quit now. The best thing about this blog (to me) is that I can go back and read previous passages and remind myself of my reasons for starting, my breakthroughs, and a refresher course on where I'm supposed to be. I never want to stop growing. Standing still for a little bit is okay. Taking a step or two back is even alright. **see bottom**. I have almost given up on everything recently, but the I refresh myself on my very own passages and I realize how far I've come. This blog isn't just a project to me. It's my place to vent without making someone listen to my groveling. It's my place to fall apart, where only I am here to put myself back together. It's my place to share things with the world: hopes, dreams, inspiration, and even the darkness. This blog is a part of who I am, and I refuse to give up on me. Writing tonight has helped me regain that determination and fire I felt I had begun to lose. I made a promise to myself that I would push through any obstacles and come out of my shell to show the world who I am at heart. That promise hasn't been broken yet though I've gotten off track a little at times. I'm pushing through though, and I believe I can feel the change in me.

**sidenote!: I once read a quote that said "You may test the same path as many times as you wish. You'll either decide you like the path, or you'll turn and make another. At any fork in the road you should explore both sides before choosing which is best for you and that takes time."
Another is "Growth is like a turning set of stairs. You climb and climb and climb. Sometimes you reach a plateau before the next set of stairs. This does not mean you've stopped moving forward. Merely, you have reached a point where you can look back and admire your accomplishments before moving up again." And lets see who can guess the movie "sometimes you've gotta go back a little to go forward"**