The Inner-Bitch in me.

Sidenote: I thought of not posting this, I fell asleep the night I wrote it. But I can not erase what has already been written. So, forgive me if this all is rude or hurtful in any way. It is how I felt in that moment and some of it is how I still feel in the present.
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Oh Lord, where do I even begin...I think we'll start with people. See lately, I've been keeping my mouth shut and I'm about done with that. If you see your name, you know I've been holding back what I want to say. If you don't but want to know, just ask me. Lol

Mother: First on my mind tonight, and mostly because you said we'd talk and then you went to bed. It kills me me that you don't tell me things, that you aren't honest. You twist things because you're "afraid to hurt someone" or "don't think the argument is worth it". Well it is. I am so sick of hearing you talk about people behind their backs, me included, and then act like nothing is wrong when you're face to face with someone. I swear sometimes you act like a teenager. And I don't have a lot of room to talk on the maturity level, I've got a lot of growing left to do. But here is what I want to say to you: until you change the things you do and the way you act you will never be happy with your life. And I'm like you in a lot of ways. I give too much, I don't stand up for myself enough, and I fall for things easily. But the difference between you and I is that I have the balls to say things to people's face when I have a problem; and had you been awake tonight I would be saying this to you instead of typing it.

Boo: I don't like the way you live your life. Part of it is envy, because I haven't been able to do the things you do. The rest is just seeing you make some bad moral choices. Plus, you enable me. I'll get to that later though. You have no stability. Doesn't that bother you? I mean, to each their own I suppose. I guess I just remember the way you used to be and now we've both changed a lot.

16: I've never mentioned you in my blog but I'm sure you'll know this is you from the memory. After all, you never forget anything. I don't know how to feel about you anymore. We used to be such close friends. Now we talk every single day again but it's just not the same. We aren't the same, life has molded us both differently. I read the things you type and hear the old you; the you I knew. But then I see you face to face and everything changes. It's like this rift keeping us from being as close as we once were. I was crazy about you before, but now those emotions are just a memory. I also feel Like my memories of our friendship are a lie and you're just some stranger on the street. I want to be able to trust you again, to open my heart. But you abandoned me once. Will you do it again in the future? This is what is holding me back from opening up to you again. Trust. It's hard to renew.

Country Boy: move forward. Quit wasting time on loving me. I'm not saying I'm not worth it. I'm saying its not going to work. Too much has happened, scars are already there, these are all reasons for you to move on. The main one though, is that my heart isn't in it and nothing you say or do will change that. I know this to be true. Yes, nobody knows what the future holds. How can you be so willing to miss the present because of an unknown future though?

Love: go lick a monkeys hairy testicles you coward.

Grams: I love you and I constantly feel like I'm failing you. Quit being afraid to ask me for things, stop shutting people out. We're here because we care. We're here because we want to help you. Tell me what you need from me. Set those expectations, allow yourself to let people give you what you want/need. You aren't a burden, I don't resent you, just let me be here for you.

LP: why are you even in my life still? You drain the positive from me and you continue to hold on to a past that only hurt both of us. Take a step back and breathe. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place. I am here for you but I am really fed up with the negativity. You hit rock bottom. Now stand up for yourself or you'll stay there.

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Now...I never finished typing out one of those lovely messages for everyone, but those emotions have passed and tonight is about things that are new. So much has happened since that night, I had almost forgotten about the unfinished post...

I suppose we'll start with mother. I over reacted a bit to a situation but I still stand behind the rest. We're getting along again but mostly because I am learning to just let things go. Life can't always be my way, right? We've discussed a lot of things recently that makes me feel like our mother/daughter relationship is growing, but I have to admit that there is still a lack of trust there. It's very hard for me to trust someone when that trust has been broken before and it seems as if nothing can be said without others having to know about it. This frustrates me. I feel I should be able to speak to my own mother in confidence and I don't have that ability for fear of everyone else knowing what has been said. That's not fair but it is something we are working on.

16: some things were revealed the other night and I'm having a hard time processing everything. I almost feel like every serious conversation is a test or a subtle mind game. It's pushing me away even more.

Love: I had an epiphany the other day. Everything about you. Everything. From your soft hair to your misery. Everything about you reminds me of the LP I once knew. I love him so very much...and you. You were a drug free version of the him I used to know. Yes, I loved you for who you were. But what drew me back to you time and again after I was continually hurt was not you, it was memories that found life through your living soul. Even your cowardly ways are reminiscent of his. When I think of all of this I just feel sorrow. I want to thank you for walking away. I never realized how unhealthy you were for my heart until you didn't have it anymore. I still love you. Part of me always will. I was not consciously trying to replace him with you. Noticing the similarities between the two of you has just given me an entirely new perspective.

LP: my sweet sweet baby...I'm sorry. I know that I was the only one left to care. I know you feel as if I turned my back on you. Forgive me baby; I had to. When will you ever learn to stand on your own if I am there catching you every time you fall? I want you to be free. I want you to be full of life again. I want to love you again. In this moment you are the shell of a great man I once knew. You need to rise above the ashes of all that has burned around you. Quit wallowing in the sorrow and stand in the light. Then you will have me in your life again.