Yep.

I have no idea what I'm typing here, just FYI. Watching some show on scyfy that I'm actually enjoying, but I'm still wanting my space on here? I'm not sure but I think if I type randomly it should eventually come out. I know I had words in my head earlier as I was listening to Mary J. Blige. I was listening to a song I was introduced to earlier called The Living Proof. It made me think of everything I've been through in my life. From the abuse, to being an alcoholic, to being a mother, to being a wife, to being a single mother, to jumping from relationship to relationship, etc etc...and now..

I've been dreaming of a better place
Yet everywhere I go, I see your face
Can't seem to break free
Of this hold you have on me
This isn't how it was supposed to end
My heart can't break, but my does it bend
With best of intentions
You told me lies
With best of intentions
It's you I despise
Of all places you had to bring me here
Why is it always you that I fear

I don't even know where that came from, or why I'm typing as fast as I am. This is ludicrous, absolutely insane. I feel like there's something trying to push its way out, something that needs to be heard, but I don't know where to start or how to begin. There's so much chaos going on in my mind, so much running behind the scenes. I loved you, yes this is true. And Lord do I miss you so. Can you feel the pain in me? It's like, no matter how far I go, no matter how much good pushes through, I can still feel the pain there. All around me. I don't understand. I mean, I've been through so much in my life. And some days I brush it off like its nothing. And others I realize the magnitude of all I've been through. And then I think of all these things running through my mind, my troubles of the day, and I realize that it doesn't matter. This journey is the hardest thing I've ever been through. This is life. Before I was just surviving, I was just breathing and moving forward. Now I feel and I think and I can't even breathe anymore! Why can't I just be happy?! Will it really take medication to stop the ups and downs? And I know why I crashed. I spent the past few days with this boy knowing I shouldn't have, finally having the guts tonight to stand up and say I've had enough, I need my space. I crashed while I was at work because I knew what was coming. And then he was all sweet about it and understanding. God it makes me sick. For once can I just not have to deal with some guy trying to be there for me? Just let me do this on my own. I almost feel like its a test. Like every time I start to think I can do this on my own God puts some good man in my life and I'm drawn to them but I'm not ready, and I know I'm not ready. I can't even trust people anymore. I can't trust myself. Why am I wasting my time with some boy when I'm probably gonna break his heart in the end. Because that's what I do right? They call it the Strickland Curse. People fall in love with us. Its like the bad, the dark, is all hidden or something. Then they fall in love with us and we don't fall in love with them, or we do and then we fall out of love, it just makes no sense to me. I just want to be done with it all. I want to be a single woman, I want to learn how to be happy on my own. I want to be Sarah Strickland. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all I want. But that's just it. I am me. I'm me and nothing more and nothing less than completely and utterly lost at heart. And it's a beautiful ride. I'm terrified, I'm elated, I'm worried, I know I'm not in control. That's the hardest part for me. See, us past abused kids tend to want to be in complete control of our environment, in a passive aggressive way of course. And the sooner I realize I need to give up that control the better. That's hard though. And I'm not sure how. Recognizing the problem has helped I suppose. Now it's time for me to go meditate and pray and probably watch more than a little tv. I think I just need some fresh air...something to get me out of here...


Also, I just read that poem and realized I was writing it to myself...hmmm. Don't know what to think there...