Anger.

It's red hot, liquid fire
sweeping through  me like a knife
How could you do this to me
Walk away like I'm nothing to you
Is this what family means
when did you stop trying to care
I know the beasts in me
Never thought I'd see yours
Seriously though, I want to know
You said you'd always be there
Promised you'd always have an ear
But seasons change and people do too
You're not even my sister anymore
Just the shell of a woman I used to revere
 I once told a friend
that every ounce of good in me
Everything came from you
How wrong was I
Why didn't I see
That all the good I saw in you
Was really the good in me
I held you when you cried
Abandoned childhood without a shame
Helped you through when you were weak
Did you forget about me
Then through Times; my darkest year
Where the fuck were you my dear
Especially tonight as I sit so weak
Tonight your judging eye fell on me
Well screw your and your misery
I'll still come out the best I can be

All I've got today :)

Oh my goodness. I typed out all this stuff and the app foreclosed! Regardless, my point here is simple. I am me. I love myself; good and bad qualities. I don't care. People can judge me, lie about me, act like they care when they don't, be over protective, do whatever. I'm falling in love y'all. And this time its with the person I see in the mirror :) life is crazy, stressful, not quite where it should be. But I'm grateful for what I've got and I'm gonna keep my positive outlook. At the end of the day I know I've done my best and that's what matters :) I'm getting somewhere, and no obstacles are going to prevent me from getting there.

Its a new day.

So today I am going to talk to my husband/ex-husband/its all up in the air. Part of me is hoping that we can work things out. The other part of me is pretty sure he moved on a long time ago. Either way, it will be somewhat of an answer. I'm walking into this knowing that I know nothing at all. And I know that walking away, with either answer, I will be okay. See; before I have wondered if it would destroy me if he said no. The answer to that? No it will not. I am my own person. I do not depend on him for my own self support. Do I want him by my side? Simply answered; yes. But I now know that I will survive and grow no matter what happens during this conversation. I have made many mistakes in my life. Perhaps the worst has been believing I need someone else to see the good in me. I look in the mirror today and I still see my scars. But I also see my heart, my spirit. That, my friends, has been a goal all along. One that has finally been achieved. So...with all that being said; I will walk into this conversation knowing that God's will shall be done and the answers I receive are just exactly what I need to hear.

Claire.

Let me tell you all about life. See I'm kinda crazy in an out there, whimsical type of way. I love myself. I love everyone else. I honestly love every person I meet. Different ways to different degrees. Different kinds of love. And I've started to love myself. Its crazy. Because I spent my whole life loving everyone else. But I've never loved myself and now I sit here and I'm actually laying in my driveway and I'm looking up at the stars in the sky and the moon and beautiful view and all I can think of is I love myself like crazy. As I am. Out there; ups and downs, all around: it doesn't matter. I am who I am. You know something told me to watch the movie Elizabethtown and I did actually just finish watching it. And it made me think a lot. I relate to that movie like crazy. I mean if you've seen it, you see Claire in this movie and how in the universe she is; that's me. That is the very center of my soul, my being. I'm not like her specifically. But the way she is with reckless abandon, that freedom. And on top of that; not just the recklessness, not just the freedom but its her ability to keep going no matter what. With the prettiest smile even through the worst of situations, to continue moving forward and find creative ways to keep going and not lose yourself in the process. I've lost myself in the process. I've lost myself with people; I lost myself in jobs. Like everything you go through; it keeps this little bit of your soul with it. It takes a little bit of your heart and your being and who you are and changes it or molds it or just keeps it and you have to constantly, constantly be building yourself up. You have to constantly be replacing those parts and gaining new insight. Trying new things. I want to be that person. I want to gain and grow and keep moving and molding myself into the best person I can be. That free spirit that no matter what, smiles and loves and cares. I mean in this movie you don't even see her background. You don't know where she came from; what she's been through; any of that. But you know that she is beautiful on the inside and the outside. You know that she is wonderful and I see that and I connect with it on this deeper level, like I've never connected with anything before and it's crazy to see that. To watch that and you know that that's kind of how you are inside. To know: hey that's how my heart is. That's how my soul is and here it is protrayed beautifully; with the good and the bad. And the purpose of a smile. She doesn't even show it. She's just; she shows it for a little bit and she just pulled it back in and I've done that my whole life but then she does this wonderful act and she; she changes it. Like she thinks about it and she puts action behind her thoughts and she comes out on top. I mean she comes out a winner and who knows how the story goes after that but the fact is she keeps going and she keeps going with a smile and with love and with the longing and with a purpose in life. She doesn't even know what her purpose is but she's going. She's doing it. She knows she'll figure it out someday. She knows that someday she is going to be like "this is my purpose". I just snapped in case you couldn't hear that because you can't even though I'm talking into my phone. I'm at a loss for words here to describe the way I feel right now or the momentum I feel inside. I have changed so much over these past couple of years. So much has happened. I mean think about it: 3 years ago I had a kid and then all the sudden we were married. I mean we went from not being in a relationship. We were not in a relationship; we were friends with benefits. There I said it. We were friends with benefits and then BAM I'm having a baby and we're together and then we're getting married and we think that it's going to solve everything happily ever after and then all the sudden we're both making huge huge mistakes that you can never take back. Even with forgiveness; even with every ounce of love in the world; you cannot take back that kind of pain and that kind of hurt. We did that to each other. We created a Miracle together; which I mean God created it; but like together we formed an act of love and passion that created a Child and we still raise him and yeah we're not together anymore. Its crazy cause I think back on that like "who was I, what was I doing? I wasn't living for me".  I was living for the rest of the world as I always do. But then, something changed in me and something changed in him and we weren't together anymore. We both thought about it; we both thought of us getting back together with these overwhelming urges to make things right to be with each other because we do have that connection. We have a child I mean exactly the kind of love that nobody can understand except a parent and then we were divorced or separated and I went to where I didn't want to meet anyone; I just wanted friends with benefits again you know and it was at the feeling it was completely unfulfilling. It was just allowing myself to be used for other peoples pleasure instead of going out and doing what I need to do to make me OK again. I just covered it up. I did it with a smile. It was so self destructive it was crazy and then I watch this movie and I see her and she does the self destructive stuff but then she's still okay with herself. I've always felt wrong for still being OK with myself. Then I meet Country Boy and all the sudden we're together and were happy and we're talking about forever and it was just so crazy and overwhelming and it was real but it was so fast and I wasn't ready. I was not ready. I cannot function properly in a relationship because I could not function properly on my own. Honestly I still can't function properly on my own. I'm still figuring it out and I have no idea how long that's going to take but I'm finally ready. And then dear lord the guy I called love l; he came back into my life and everything went to s*** and then he destroyed my heart. I let him take a piece of my soul with him. That weighs heavy on me. Hr took a piece of my soul with him. I can never get that back. I can only replace it with better things. Which maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that was supposed to happen. I don't know but it's so crazy to think that all this happened. I decide to be on my own again. Then I meet this guy and he seems wonderful and everything at first. I'm going to take time for myself, I'm going to get my stuff together; I'm going to learn how to live on my own. Then all the sudden we were in this serious relationship and then things went downhill fast. Faster than they ever have before and it went crazy and I mean like I was...I don't even know how to explain how I was there. I was sitting in shock like oh my god this is happening. And then we break up and all and it's insane; its a mess. I start putting myself back together and I keep thinking everything happens for reason because now I'm finally in the spot where I'm understanding myself and I'm coming to terms with the way I am and why I am the way I am. And the more I figure out why I am the way I am the more I understand about myself the better I am. That's really it. That's it isn't it? Understanding yourself because if you can't understand yourself, if you cannot love yourself for who you are, how the hell is anyone else going to love you for who you are? I mean think about it really. If you can't look in the mirror and know who you are and what you want out of life and where you're going (you don't even have to know where you're going) but you know who you are. To understand yourself inside and out (and that is possible). If you cannot do that; how can anyone really love you? Now people may think they see you as you are. But they see a piece of themselves or who they want to be: in you. If you see a piece of you, who you want to be as a person (and I noticed I do that and it may not be everyone but I do it and I know I do it). So tell me how if you can't look in the mirror and be comfortable with you, who you are as a whole; good, bad, ups, downs, all around...it doesn't matter. If you can't be okay with your self, how can someone else truly love you? More than that: how can you truly on that deeper connection love someone? Only once in my life have I loved someone I met on that deeper connection and it was when I started this journey and began connecting with myself. Then he left and took a piece of my soul with him and what was I left with other than a lesson learned? I guess what I'm trying to say is just that you have to be full person before you can love a whole other person. This Claire reminded me of that and reminded me of who I am and what I'm doing here.

Nervous.

I see the doctor today. For about a month now I've only been able to eat soup and Alfredo. Anything else, like my French Toast this morning, is lost. I'm nervous because I know something is wrong. This is not like me. I love food and miss being able to enjoy it instead of being afraid to eat. I hid it for a while, thinking it would pass. It caught up to me at work though. Heres to praying the doctor can figure it out...

This is me.

This is me. Sitting in a bubble bath. This is me. Listening to great music. This is me. Breathing steadily. Its me wondering how I got here. Wondering where to go. Its me being lonely. Refusing to shed a tear. This is me remembering. What it was like with you. What I want from life. The dreams and plans I've set aside for far too long. Its me believing, trying, striving for something more. This is me looking in the mirror and for once being proud of those scars. Screw where they came from. They're here and never going away. This is me realizing that its All part of me. Not just the good, but the bad as well. Who has the right to judge me? Not you. See; this is me. I've been through Hell. I came out alive. No. No; better than that. I came out free, true, believing, naive in my own right, caring, quiet at times but louder than you'll ever know. I came out my own person. Not the shell of what was. Not the beginnings of what will be. I came out free. I know who I am. And I may stumble from time to time. I may not always be the wisest, or the best, or the prettiest. But really, who cares. See, here's the difference between you and me. I lay my head down each night and I may cry, or over think every little thing, or silently apologize for my wrongs of the day. Just like you. But this is me. And I lay my head down knowing that I've done my best. I may have a temper. Okay lets face it, I have an attitude problem at times. I may not always be there when someone needs me. The cleaning may not be done or the laundry not put away. But I try. This is me. And I think I'm worth it. Even at my lowest I'm worth it. Because I try. This is me realizing that I've spent my whole life trying to be worth it to others. This is me realizing that I've never been enough for me. This is me realizing how I got here. This is me remembering lessons learned. This is me realizing I can have all the knowledge in the world but have the ability to still be stupid. And I think this may be the point of everything; right? Who cares how much you know? You'll never get anywhere unless you do. Action. Putting lessons learned to use. This is me remembering a conversation with a dear friend. He said "you're just so up and down; here and there. I couldn't help but think 'Can I deal with this?' You never know what to expect with you. One day you're great and the next you're mad at the world then two seconds later you're crying. I mean, how does one deal with that?" This is me knowing its true. This is me realizing that I've spent so long trying to make others happy that I've often become a reflection of what I'm around. This is me taking action and placing that 'grounding factor' in myself. This is me knowing that its hard to break habits. This is me determined. I am who I am, I can be anything I want to be. This is me; wanting to be me.

Have You Ever

Just wanted to be alone? In a world as cruel as this...I still see the beauty in this world. But for the first time in my life I want to be truly alone. Nobody there to guide me; or catch me if I fall. I want me to be me and you to be you and I'll be alright if I never see you again at all. Does this make sense to you? Does it even make sense to me? No is the answer that is true. Then maybe again; no is the answer to it all. You forgive me. I forgive you. So why am I still so blue?

Cancer

I watched my Daddy die of cancer. And laying here today I understand his pain. See, having a past such as mine is like having cancer. It eats you alive, consumes you, tries to take over your body, your mind. It leaves you sick. Literally. Exjausted, nauseous, aching. BUT. Having friends is like chemo. It makes you sick to talk about it. And you never know if it's really truly helping. But you LIVE for the belief that it is. And you'll nevver really be healed. But there are moments of remission; where you're healthy and alive and full of life. Those are the moments I live for.

Can't decide if I like it. Feedback?

You don't know my struggles
Don't know my pain
Or the tears
I've cried through the years
You haven't seen my heart ache
Don't know it's scars
Or the fears
It still holds so dear
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
You weren't there as I cried
Trying to sleep at night
Didn't watch as I died
A little more each time
Have no idea
The demons I face inside
The dreams I hide
Terrified of what went down
Don't make me remember anymore
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
How could I ever explain it to you
Understand me if you will
After all Ive been through
See what's broken in me
I never meant to do this to you
But now we're here
There's nowhere to run
I can't live behind these lies
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
I came crashing through the atmosphere
Trying to hold you
Oh so near, my dear
But this wasn't meant to be
Not how this story should unfold
I'm so angry, I'm so torn
You're face is full of scorn
Yet you'll never see me shed a tear
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall

Beauty

A moment ago I stood outside, just looking and soaking in the world. The puppy has eaten and I had just finished feeding the pig, still in my flowy polka dot dress of yesterday. It was warm with a cool breeze, dogs barking in the background, traffic flowing on the road by the drive. But as I stood there it was as if the world seemed still. Maybe just my world was pausing for a moment. Either way, it was breathtakingly beautiful. The way the wind played with my hair, the memory of my sisters laughter as "tree worms" fell from the branches, the children's toys waiting to be picked up in the too-high grass, the peace I felt at heart...yes, my friends, today will be a good day.

It's me again Margaret...

Tehehe (I bet very few of you all will get that reference. Ray Stevens song.)

Well then...I've thought so much recently I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want to hide from the world. I want to stop being so afraid of myself that I hide behind everything else in my life instead of dealing with myself. I already know all the answers. Hell, I've even written them. Here. In this very blog. Not too long ago. I'm just too afraid to use them. T I have to. I need to. Things are just going further and further south and I don't want that. My heart broke today. I've been crying and rambling and trying to figure out what to do, no my son has witnessed it all. But then I had some small break through and I knelt down to give him a hug. He says, "there you are Mommy, where did you go?" I said "I'm right here, have been all day". He then proceeded to tell me that I hadn't been there and he was giving me another hug since I was back. Made me realize how distant I am from my own child. It has to stop. There has to be something. I HAVE to figure out how to deal with my issues. It can't go on like this. The cycles, the tears, the hurt, the ignoring things when they're right there in your face, the distractions that only work temporarily. The hurt I saw in my little boys eyes as I told him I couldn't play baseball today bc I was too tired. He means everything to me. I have to make a change for him. And it won't be drastic. I won't be right away. I accept this though I don't like it. I'm so afraid of what I might find if I actually a face my own demons and fears. I'm afraid of my own strength. I'm afraid of the image I see when I stare into my own eyes in the mirror. There are these random moments when everything is alright and I live for those. Bt I need to start working on myself and stop hiding behind fear. I can't continue on like this. I've reached that edge, the precipice. I'm either gonna jump or fall flat on my ass but I'd better damn well do something. I need to do something...