Claire.

Let me tell you all about life. See I'm kinda crazy in an out there, whimsical type of way. I love myself. I love everyone else. I honestly love every person I meet. Different ways to different degrees. Different kinds of love. And I've started to love myself. Its crazy. Because I spent my whole life loving everyone else. But I've never loved myself and now I sit here and I'm actually laying in my driveway and I'm looking up at the stars in the sky and the moon and beautiful view and all I can think of is I love myself like crazy. As I am. Out there; ups and downs, all around: it doesn't matter. I am who I am. You know something told me to watch the movie Elizabethtown and I did actually just finish watching it. And it made me think a lot. I relate to that movie like crazy. I mean if you've seen it, you see Claire in this movie and how in the universe she is; that's me. That is the very center of my soul, my being. I'm not like her specifically. But the way she is with reckless abandon, that freedom. And on top of that; not just the recklessness, not just the freedom but its her ability to keep going no matter what. With the prettiest smile even through the worst of situations, to continue moving forward and find creative ways to keep going and not lose yourself in the process. I've lost myself in the process. I've lost myself with people; I lost myself in jobs. Like everything you go through; it keeps this little bit of your soul with it. It takes a little bit of your heart and your being and who you are and changes it or molds it or just keeps it and you have to constantly, constantly be building yourself up. You have to constantly be replacing those parts and gaining new insight. Trying new things. I want to be that person. I want to gain and grow and keep moving and molding myself into the best person I can be. That free spirit that no matter what, smiles and loves and cares. I mean in this movie you don't even see her background. You don't know where she came from; what she's been through; any of that. But you know that she is beautiful on the inside and the outside. You know that she is wonderful and I see that and I connect with it on this deeper level, like I've never connected with anything before and it's crazy to see that. To watch that and you know that that's kind of how you are inside. To know: hey that's how my heart is. That's how my soul is and here it is protrayed beautifully; with the good and the bad. And the purpose of a smile. She doesn't even show it. She's just; she shows it for a little bit and she just pulled it back in and I've done that my whole life but then she does this wonderful act and she; she changes it. Like she thinks about it and she puts action behind her thoughts and she comes out on top. I mean she comes out a winner and who knows how the story goes after that but the fact is she keeps going and she keeps going with a smile and with love and with the longing and with a purpose in life. She doesn't even know what her purpose is but she's going. She's doing it. She knows she'll figure it out someday. She knows that someday she is going to be like "this is my purpose". I just snapped in case you couldn't hear that because you can't even though I'm talking into my phone. I'm at a loss for words here to describe the way I feel right now or the momentum I feel inside. I have changed so much over these past couple of years. So much has happened. I mean think about it: 3 years ago I had a kid and then all the sudden we were married. I mean we went from not being in a relationship. We were not in a relationship; we were friends with benefits. There I said it. We were friends with benefits and then BAM I'm having a baby and we're together and then we're getting married and we think that it's going to solve everything happily ever after and then all the sudden we're both making huge huge mistakes that you can never take back. Even with forgiveness; even with every ounce of love in the world; you cannot take back that kind of pain and that kind of hurt. We did that to each other. We created a Miracle together; which I mean God created it; but like together we formed an act of love and passion that created a Child and we still raise him and yeah we're not together anymore. Its crazy cause I think back on that like "who was I, what was I doing? I wasn't living for me".  I was living for the rest of the world as I always do. But then, something changed in me and something changed in him and we weren't together anymore. We both thought about it; we both thought of us getting back together with these overwhelming urges to make things right to be with each other because we do have that connection. We have a child I mean exactly the kind of love that nobody can understand except a parent and then we were divorced or separated and I went to where I didn't want to meet anyone; I just wanted friends with benefits again you know and it was at the feeling it was completely unfulfilling. It was just allowing myself to be used for other peoples pleasure instead of going out and doing what I need to do to make me OK again. I just covered it up. I did it with a smile. It was so self destructive it was crazy and then I watch this movie and I see her and she does the self destructive stuff but then she's still okay with herself. I've always felt wrong for still being OK with myself. Then I meet Country Boy and all the sudden we're together and were happy and we're talking about forever and it was just so crazy and overwhelming and it was real but it was so fast and I wasn't ready. I was not ready. I cannot function properly in a relationship because I could not function properly on my own. Honestly I still can't function properly on my own. I'm still figuring it out and I have no idea how long that's going to take but I'm finally ready. And then dear lord the guy I called love l; he came back into my life and everything went to s*** and then he destroyed my heart. I let him take a piece of my soul with him. That weighs heavy on me. Hr took a piece of my soul with him. I can never get that back. I can only replace it with better things. Which maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that was supposed to happen. I don't know but it's so crazy to think that all this happened. I decide to be on my own again. Then I meet this guy and he seems wonderful and everything at first. I'm going to take time for myself, I'm going to get my stuff together; I'm going to learn how to live on my own. Then all the sudden we were in this serious relationship and then things went downhill fast. Faster than they ever have before and it went crazy and I mean like I was...I don't even know how to explain how I was there. I was sitting in shock like oh my god this is happening. And then we break up and all and it's insane; its a mess. I start putting myself back together and I keep thinking everything happens for reason because now I'm finally in the spot where I'm understanding myself and I'm coming to terms with the way I am and why I am the way I am. And the more I figure out why I am the way I am the more I understand about myself the better I am. That's really it. That's it isn't it? Understanding yourself because if you can't understand yourself, if you cannot love yourself for who you are, how the hell is anyone else going to love you for who you are? I mean think about it really. If you can't look in the mirror and know who you are and what you want out of life and where you're going (you don't even have to know where you're going) but you know who you are. To understand yourself inside and out (and that is possible). If you cannot do that; how can anyone really love you? Now people may think they see you as you are. But they see a piece of themselves or who they want to be: in you. If you see a piece of you, who you want to be as a person (and I noticed I do that and it may not be everyone but I do it and I know I do it). So tell me how if you can't look in the mirror and be comfortable with you, who you are as a whole; good, bad, ups, downs, all around...it doesn't matter. If you can't be okay with your self, how can someone else truly love you? More than that: how can you truly on that deeper connection love someone? Only once in my life have I loved someone I met on that deeper connection and it was when I started this journey and began connecting with myself. Then he left and took a piece of my soul with him and what was I left with other than a lesson learned? I guess what I'm trying to say is just that you have to be full person before you can love a whole other person. This Claire reminded me of that and reminded me of who I am and what I'm doing here.