Tehehe (I bet very few of you all will get that reference. Ray Stevens song.)
Well then...I've thought so much recently I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want to hide from the world. I want to stop being so afraid of myself that I hide behind everything else in my life instead of dealing with myself. I already know all the answers. Hell, I've even written them. Here. In this very blog. Not too long ago. I'm just too afraid to use them. T I have to. I need to. Things are just going further and further south and I don't want that. My heart broke today. I've been crying and rambling and trying to figure out what to do, no my son has witnessed it all. But then I had some small break through and I knelt down to give him a hug. He says, "there you are Mommy, where did you go?" I said "I'm right here, have been all day". He then proceeded to tell me that I hadn't been there and he was giving me another hug since I was back. Made me realize how distant I am from my own child. It has to stop. There has to be something. I HAVE to figure out how to deal with my issues. It can't go on like this. The cycles, the tears, the hurt, the ignoring things when they're right there in your face, the distractions that only work temporarily. The hurt I saw in my little boys eyes as I told him I couldn't play baseball today bc I was too tired. He means everything to me. I have to make a change for him. And it won't be drastic. I won't be right away. I accept this though I don't like it. I'm so afraid of what I might find if I actually a face my own demons and fears. I'm afraid of my own strength. I'm afraid of the image I see when I stare into my own eyes in the mirror. There are these random moments when everything is alright and I live for those. Bt I need to start working on myself and stop hiding behind fear. I can't continue on like this. I've reached that edge, the precipice. I'm either gonna jump or fall flat on my ass but I'd better damn well do something. I need to do something...
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