Goodbye.

Ladies and gentlemen I have decided this will be my last post on here. I know my past few posts have been a little bitter, but I promise I will be alright. See, sometimes you love someone so much that you are willing to give up a part of yourself to be with them. And that is where I am now. It hurts mostly. It's a little scary, especially to a former dreamer such as I. A wanderer that is now saying goodbye to the universe and hello to someone's heart. But you can take comfort in knowing there will always be a hand to hold. No sports practice or school play will ever be missed. And even when you are completely broken, that person will love each individual part. This journey was about falling in love with myself. And I did there for a while, fell in love with a part of myself. But I am giving that up with the prayer that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes you love someone else more than you love yourself. I guess that's the only kind of love that lasts forever. Some days I'm going to feel bitter, I'm going to wonder. And some days I'll look wistfully into the sunset looking for the magic I once thought I knew. But at the end of each day, I will lay my head down knowing someone is there for my forever. Because not all dreams come true. I think that's why God lets us sleep. Our dreams can be a comfort there and get us through the night. With that; sweet dreams everyone.

In love.

There's a feeling of magic just saying those words...and I've boiled it all down to that. My magic was being in love with the colors of the sunset, in love with the way the trees swayed in the passing air, in love with the stars spread across the sky like someone's canvas. I was in love with the belief that you could one day find someone that forever made you feel in love. But ladies and gentlemen. Is that reality? It was mine. I thought that would be my reality forever. But it's not the reality of the grown up world. There is still love. The sunset is still pretty. The trees still sway with the wind. But without the beauty of being in love with them this world almost seems hollow. I can learn to adapt though. I can still appreciate the beauty of this earth without being in love with it. Because that is the grown up worlds reality. And it's time for me to be a grown up girl...

Wow.

Y'all I'm gonna be alright. The little girl in me wants so bad for someone to say "no Sarah, you deserve that magic forever" and I sound like a miserable old bitch because that doesn't happen in reality. But I know the real world isn't all bad. It may not be all it's cracked up to be. When this bitterness passes though, I WILL be alright. I will move forward and find new ways to be happy other than a belief in something that isn't true. Boohoo, I can't be in love with someone forever. I can't hold on to that magic  The little girl in me may be dying. But a woman is growing, and she's a Strickland. Stricklands never back down. Even when this world tries to destroy everything they are. No. This Sarah will adapt and make herself find joy in things that are real.

Help.

I have lost all belief in my very own belief. Somehow I feel like in "growing up" I have failed myself. For so long, so many years, I had this dream to believe in. I would one day meet a man and first he would be my friend. But then that would inevitably turn into something more. Romantic walks on the beach, dancing in the living room, kisses that linger and butterflies that last forever. I guess you can say I was a hopeless romantic. And as time dredged on I knew that the dream wasn't perfect. There would be some fights, a few tears shed. But it would all come back to that magical feeling of love in the air. To me that magic wasn't about a happily ever after, it was about being in love forever. I met the soul crusher and felt that magic so overwhelmingly, I was so sure. He failed me there, when he decided to disappear. He crushed my every hope and dream. He tore apart my very soul, all the way down to the core. But I kept pushing forward with this silly belief in my head that I would find him out there. That man I could be in love with forever. I went through some pretty serious crazy little love stories there for a bit. Then this friend I had known for a while turned into something more. And when he hugged me I felt like a queen. He loved music and everything happy. His smile lit up a room. Nine months after meeting him and two months of dating later, the butterflies were still there. I took this as a sign. Maybe my dreams could come true. And there were some issues. He's quite a bit older than I am; still lives at home, doesn't know where he's going in his life. But I began to feel that magic once more. Now you all know, throughout everything Country Boy has been here for me. And on the night I ran into the soul crusher he was there. In the aftermath of what that did to me he has been here. I thought that soul crusher was my forever. All because of a silly belief that the kind of magic that makes you fall in love could last forever. I wasn't even in love with this friend turned more. But I could see it going there. If/when that magic ran out, where would I be? Crushed down to the core. Well, sir, I beat you to it. That magic does not last forever. I will not stand by and wait for you to break my heart. So I walked away. And God it was the hardest thing I've ever had to walk away from. It hurt. Here was the possibility of that dream coming true, but no guarantee. And on the other hand, here was this man in my life that has proven to me that he will always be here. So I walked away, straight back into what I knew could last forever. No matter how bad I want to be in love forever; it simply does not work. But I can love someone forever. And that has to be enough. When I'm old and grey, the light fades from my eyes and I'm sitting in a rocker on my front porch, I know he will be there. At that point there will be no physical strength for hugs that make you feel as if you're floating on air. Turning the living room into a ballroom will be too much effort. There will be no endearing moments to return that magic to my heart. No...but I know I will still have a hand to hold. Someone who loves me so much that he believes in that magic. Even if I can't anymore. He will wipe away the tears I shed, even as I break my own heart. He will have his magic that lasts forever. And me? I will have him to hold on to. It is not a fairytale. It is not a dream come true. It is a woman, making a decision to love him forever. It is the harsh reality of the matter. I will never leave him again. Because he offers something that dream of being in love never could. He offers security. Comfort in the world. And for this scared little girl, joining the big kid world, that has to be enough. The universe does not hold magic in it. I walked away from that belief, and the man that enabled me to dream so big I saw the world through rose colored glasses. He is not coming back. He is already moving forward. And I am too. I chose my future. At least I know I will be content there, secure, loved and cared for.

Love.

"...and above all things is love."

For those of you that know me personally, I'm going to ask you not to talk about this to others; only me. I hope that you can understand.

Today I am sad. Overwhelmingly so. Seeing the soul crusher again opened my eyes to reality. It made me think and use logic and listen to my heart. I left the guy I've been seeing for a couple months. Nothing went wrong. He's still wonderful. He taught me a lot. Most of it as my friend, some of it while we were more. I liked him. A lot. He's kind, caring and maybe a little immature. But he has a heart of gold. I left though because I know what I want from my life. I know where I want to go. My hopes, dreams, where I see myself in the future. He's not ready for all of that. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. It simply means he's not ready. And maybe he would have been if I had given it time and let it grow. Maybe not. Regardless. I have someone in my life that is ready. That has been waiting for me. And a chance is more than what he deserves. He has stood by me through thick and thin, no matter how bad I have hurt him. It's not magic and fireworks and this perfect dream. But it is real. Of that I am certain. And while I may be sad now, I know I can be happy in the future. I'm going to struggle. I'm going to wonder. And he understands. You know; I never doubted what was between me and the guy I walked away from. And that made walking away hard. Even harder was seeing him so sad. Hearing in his voice the hurt. I don't know how to explain it to him. I'm tired of the unknown. With Country Boy I know he will always be there. He will always love me and do what is best for me and my baby. He will help me and be there. He understands my crazy and deals with it well. You know the crazy thing? The guy I walked away from? He doesn't understand (though he doesn't know my decision to go back to Country Boy) my reasons. It's all very logical really. And he's all about some logic. I know now that love isn't all about romance and magic and wonder. It's a decision every day. It's a lot of work. But I think it will be worth it. My heart says that that has to be enough. So I'm going to try. I'm going to be there. I am going to make this work because it's the right thing to do. It's something I know can last forever.

Jar of Hearts

"And it took so long just to feel alright, learning how to put back the light in my eyes."

This is my song tonight. See; I haven't been completely open with you all. Lately; I've been struggling. Thoughts about that man I believed to be my soulmate have been crossing my mind. And I had it perfectly planned out; what I would say to him should I ever see him again. I've planned it out while driving, sleeping, laying awake at night. I had a dream the other night. It came to this: "I will always believe you have part of my soul. Maybe in another life, another time, some different plane of the universe, we were meant to be. Everything in me says this is true. But here, in this time and place, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. For you to experience joy, love, laughter, and true happiness. I wanted you to let that inner part of your soul to shine through. Because I see it. I see you. The you that is swallowed in grief and misery and self hate. I see the you underneath. And you deserve those things I wanted for you to have so badly. Soulmate or not though, you don't deserve me. Not after the Hell you let me go through. You knew I loved you. Always talking about fate and the timing not being right and how you wish it was. Lies. Unfulfilled dreams you planted in my heart. Six months later; I've finally learned that. You used me just like you let her use you. I was your distraction from your own misery. I will no longer let you do that to me."

See. If he had wanted me I would have been there through and through. I never asked him to return the love I felt; though that would have been nice. No. I asked him simply not to disappear. And guess what he did? He chose to disappear. Dropped me like the nothing I was to him. But to me? He was everything. And when he left my soul shattered. I did some really stupid things after that. I naively texted him long messages, pouring out my heart. Even showed up drunk at his doorstep a time or two (or more...) And I know that I probably never crossed his mind as anything more than a nuisance. I cried uncontrollably. Went through the darkest depression of my life. Then something miraculous started happening. Piece by piece I started to feel at least half alive again. Yesterday I was more alive than I had been in a long time. I let my own soul shine through. Had a beautiful day at the park and then went to spend some time with friends. An old friend met us up at a local bar. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while. I turned to get a drink and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn't even have to turn around to know. I did though. I turned around. There he was. I'm sure the shock was evident on my face. Not a doubt there. He stood there and talked to my friend (we call him Tank) who happens to be his best friend. I walked away as quickly as I could. All those hours planning what to say, all those tears, all overcome by fear. What do you honestly say to a man who doesn't acknowledge your existence yet has a piece of your soul? What do you say when in a moment, an instance in time, a split second takes away months of hard work. Let's be honest here. He's my soulmate. I loved him from the moment our eyes met and I will love him forever. I could never say those things. I could never hurt him. Though the bitter part of me says he wouldn't care. I know better...so what do you do? I turned and ran. I hid from view; praying he wouldn't know I was there. A few minutes later I was going to the bathroom with my friend. I turned around to see where she had gone; glanced back for a second and there he was y'all. Right in front of me; moving in the opposite direction. He went right by me. Not a second glance, not even an acknowledgement. Nothing. Just like the nothing he left in the same spot as the missing part of my soul. Just nothing. Empty space. Tears, grief, desperation and irrational fear. In a single moment, my whole world came crashing down. Yet I managed to hold it together. My friend kept me distracted through the night. She was the only one that knew what was going on inside. Kept my focus on our table. I still felt him though. At one point I glanced up, and there he was. Plain view, across the bar. My heart says he was looking right back at me. He was looking at our mutual friend in all probability. Still. It made my heart sing. So now...I sit here tonight fighting the tears. Wishing he would contact me but knowing it won't happen. Ever. Ha...it's funny how life goes; right? I thought I was doing so good. Relocated, cut off all ties, avoid places with memories. Yea, I was doing great. But now? Where do I go from here? Part of me prays I never see him again. The hidden part of me wishes he was here.

I think.

Yes. I think that was handled pretty well. While not stress free the night was drama free and everyone had a blast! I haven't actually drank in a while so it was nice to cut loose a bit and unwind :) I feel like I should be asleep right now but I'm still enjoying the night air. Got to catch up with an old friend; hang out with current ones and just genuinely be myself. Yes; my dears; I would call this a successful evening. Well spent at that!

People.

I stopped in to see an old friend today. I've missed him a lot; especially this past year. As I sat there and talked about life and people and dreams this peace just came over me. Out of nowhere I was laughing and remembering old times. Memories of childhood games. We always hid together while playing hide and seek. Sat by the bonfire and sang at the top of our lungs to songs we didn't know the meaning to. He was my first kiss; in the woods behind my house sitting on a log. We had our own secret club back there. And the world didn't matter. It was the freedom of childhood; the best times of my childhood. We could hide away and laugh with reckless abandon. We played king of the castle and made up grand stories of our adventures. Climbed trees and plotted running away to some magical land. He knew all of my secrets and I knew his. During those years we became the best of friends, the kind that can go years without speaking and still have that connection. I remember when he left as kids. He was at my house late with his aunt. She was talking to my Mom. I had laid down for bed and he came in to say goodbye. I'll never forget the hall light slanting across his face. The sadness in his voice as he told me he was leaving. The look in his eyes and he stared at me that last night in our own magical kingdom. At the time I didn't know why he was so sad. He turned to leave and looked back at me. He said "I'll find you some day". The next day my mother dropped the bomb. His mother had taken him to Arizona. I never saw my Lee again. Then one night I had a nightmare. Woke up to a storm raging outside and as lightning flashed I saw his face pressed against my window. I screamed bloody murder; made my mother go search for him. She reassured me that he was still in Arizona and that he had changed; probably didn't even remember me. We had this conversation several times over the years. Well. Fastforward to last year when I met Country Boy. Turns out my Lee was his best friend. They call him Rabbit. And if ever you find yourself heading south on Gene Snyder you can stop in to meet him right before the New Lagrange exit. His cross is always there; can't miss it. He still managed to find me; in death and after all those years...

Hey there!

I know it's been a while and I apologize for that; just busy living life! Not having a job still sucks, but!, I'm staying positive. Job searching has almost become fun. There are so many opportunities out there and I know I'll find the right one here soon! It's definitely interesting to see all of the different companies and such. I almost sank into a depression there for a bit but I've been steadily fighting it and I think it's working! I can say that I'm very blessed to have had this happen at this time in my life where I'm not super stressing over bills. Past that, Grandma is doing pretty well. She's been home again a couple of weeks and seems to be healing well from her surgeries! I've immensely enjoyed the time with her and the extra time with my little big man. Even when he's being a turd he's still mine :-) now of course; there has been some drama. But I'm hoping that it has passed and I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I also want to take a moment to introduce you all to the guy I've sorta been dating. We started as friends and have known each other almost a year. We were talking once but I called it off. Second time around and we're just letting things flow naturally. Other than that I'm gonna hop off here and go back to job shopping :-)

Alright y'all...

I've had to work myself towards finally writing all of this. Honestly, I would rather write it in past tense; but it's happening now...I've been fighting depression since Sunday morning. See, Saturday night I lost my job. I've never really been fired before. I've quit, I've not gone back, I've moved on to better opportunities. I've never sat down with my boss and been fired. From a job I loved. Now I'm sitting here and wondering what I'm going to do. So many applications this week...and not a single call back. I'm hoping they'll start coming next week. If not I'll have to go back into food service. I enjoyed the extra time with my son. Plan on using my free time to get things done around the house. Feel completely useless while not generating an income...and I have an amazing support system. People here by me helping in any way they can. I'm the helper though. I can't help people when I'm helpless myself...I'm at a loss for words. I had it all together for a while. Is this a test? Haven't I sustained enough recently? I feel like all my hard work is going down the drain. I'm better than this. I want more. I had a plan. Now I have a theoretical one. Looks good on paper but reality looks bleak. I can't stand this...and I don't even feel like going into the rest...I think I need to get some actual rest.

Well then.

Lost my job yesterday. Grams has surgery in the morning, they haven't given us any details. I'm drinking. Exhaustion has set in. Guys...I have no job...my Grams has surgery...I'm more emotionally and mentally exhausted than I have been in forever...

My Universe

I'm angry with people today. My whole world has stopped. Everything came crashing to a halt when we brought Grandma back up here. But nobody else seems to care. The people I hold closest to my heart. Their lives are still going like a normal day. But mine? My day has been miserable. She won't eat, blood pressure is still sky high, dialysis port is infected, she has pneumonia, blood sugar high enough to put her in a diabetic coma. Need I say more? Yet those people who have said they'll be there aren't. They're out living their lives. They aren't sitting in a hospital room watching her every breath. They aren't praying with every fiber of their being that this isn't the end. They aren't meeting each new nurse with suspicion and hope. No ma'am, no sir. They're working, visiting other friends, going about their normal day. Who am I to blame them? Its not their Grandma. Its not their Uncle's tears to wipe away. Its not their mother taking turns at sleeping in a shitty hospital recliner chair. No...no this is my world. My universe. And it feels like its caving in around me. You can look in our eyes and all the unspoken fear is there. "Is this it?" "Has the end come near?" "Will she make it out this time?" "Why isn't she eating?" "Has she given up?" She just keeps telling us that she wants to go home. We say she has to eat to get better and she says she doesn't care. Nurses bustling in and out, questions hanging in the air. Its overwhelming despair. Its not like she's in ICU, we're only a little over 12 hrs here. Why haven't they got her blood pressure down? Why is her blood sugar so high? The questions go on and on...for now there is a bright spot. A friend is near. Taking time out of their crazy day to stop in for a bit. Life...in room 20 with the open door...

Fear.

That is the topic of the day. For multiple reasons. Mostly right now because we rushed my Grandma to the hospital again...BP is high, possibly pneumonia, they think her dialysis port is infected...need I say more? Here's to spending another night in a hospital chair...