Jar of Hearts

"And it took so long just to feel alright, learning how to put back the light in my eyes."

This is my song tonight. See; I haven't been completely open with you all. Lately; I've been struggling. Thoughts about that man I believed to be my soulmate have been crossing my mind. And I had it perfectly planned out; what I would say to him should I ever see him again. I've planned it out while driving, sleeping, laying awake at night. I had a dream the other night. It came to this: "I will always believe you have part of my soul. Maybe in another life, another time, some different plane of the universe, we were meant to be. Everything in me says this is true. But here, in this time and place, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. For you to experience joy, love, laughter, and true happiness. I wanted you to let that inner part of your soul to shine through. Because I see it. I see you. The you that is swallowed in grief and misery and self hate. I see the you underneath. And you deserve those things I wanted for you to have so badly. Soulmate or not though, you don't deserve me. Not after the Hell you let me go through. You knew I loved you. Always talking about fate and the timing not being right and how you wish it was. Lies. Unfulfilled dreams you planted in my heart. Six months later; I've finally learned that. You used me just like you let her use you. I was your distraction from your own misery. I will no longer let you do that to me."

See. If he had wanted me I would have been there through and through. I never asked him to return the love I felt; though that would have been nice. No. I asked him simply not to disappear. And guess what he did? He chose to disappear. Dropped me like the nothing I was to him. But to me? He was everything. And when he left my soul shattered. I did some really stupid things after that. I naively texted him long messages, pouring out my heart. Even showed up drunk at his doorstep a time or two (or more...) And I know that I probably never crossed his mind as anything more than a nuisance. I cried uncontrollably. Went through the darkest depression of my life. Then something miraculous started happening. Piece by piece I started to feel at least half alive again. Yesterday I was more alive than I had been in a long time. I let my own soul shine through. Had a beautiful day at the park and then went to spend some time with friends. An old friend met us up at a local bar. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while. I turned to get a drink and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn't even have to turn around to know. I did though. I turned around. There he was. I'm sure the shock was evident on my face. Not a doubt there. He stood there and talked to my friend (we call him Tank) who happens to be his best friend. I walked away as quickly as I could. All those hours planning what to say, all those tears, all overcome by fear. What do you honestly say to a man who doesn't acknowledge your existence yet has a piece of your soul? What do you say when in a moment, an instance in time, a split second takes away months of hard work. Let's be honest here. He's my soulmate. I loved him from the moment our eyes met and I will love him forever. I could never say those things. I could never hurt him. Though the bitter part of me says he wouldn't care. I know better...so what do you do? I turned and ran. I hid from view; praying he wouldn't know I was there. A few minutes later I was going to the bathroom with my friend. I turned around to see where she had gone; glanced back for a second and there he was y'all. Right in front of me; moving in the opposite direction. He went right by me. Not a second glance, not even an acknowledgement. Nothing. Just like the nothing he left in the same spot as the missing part of my soul. Just nothing. Empty space. Tears, grief, desperation and irrational fear. In a single moment, my whole world came crashing down. Yet I managed to hold it together. My friend kept me distracted through the night. She was the only one that knew what was going on inside. Kept my focus on our table. I still felt him though. At one point I glanced up, and there he was. Plain view, across the bar. My heart says he was looking right back at me. He was looking at our mutual friend in all probability. Still. It made my heart sing. So now...I sit here tonight fighting the tears. Wishing he would contact me but knowing it won't happen. Ever. Ha...it's funny how life goes; right? I thought I was doing so good. Relocated, cut off all ties, avoid places with memories. Yea, I was doing great. But now? Where do I go from here? Part of me prays I never see him again. The hidden part of me wishes he was here.