Help.

I have lost all belief in my very own belief. Somehow I feel like in "growing up" I have failed myself. For so long, so many years, I had this dream to believe in. I would one day meet a man and first he would be my friend. But then that would inevitably turn into something more. Romantic walks on the beach, dancing in the living room, kisses that linger and butterflies that last forever. I guess you can say I was a hopeless romantic. And as time dredged on I knew that the dream wasn't perfect. There would be some fights, a few tears shed. But it would all come back to that magical feeling of love in the air. To me that magic wasn't about a happily ever after, it was about being in love forever. I met the soul crusher and felt that magic so overwhelmingly, I was so sure. He failed me there, when he decided to disappear. He crushed my every hope and dream. He tore apart my very soul, all the way down to the core. But I kept pushing forward with this silly belief in my head that I would find him out there. That man I could be in love with forever. I went through some pretty serious crazy little love stories there for a bit. Then this friend I had known for a while turned into something more. And when he hugged me I felt like a queen. He loved music and everything happy. His smile lit up a room. Nine months after meeting him and two months of dating later, the butterflies were still there. I took this as a sign. Maybe my dreams could come true. And there were some issues. He's quite a bit older than I am; still lives at home, doesn't know where he's going in his life. But I began to feel that magic once more. Now you all know, throughout everything Country Boy has been here for me. And on the night I ran into the soul crusher he was there. In the aftermath of what that did to me he has been here. I thought that soul crusher was my forever. All because of a silly belief that the kind of magic that makes you fall in love could last forever. I wasn't even in love with this friend turned more. But I could see it going there. If/when that magic ran out, where would I be? Crushed down to the core. Well, sir, I beat you to it. That magic does not last forever. I will not stand by and wait for you to break my heart. So I walked away. And God it was the hardest thing I've ever had to walk away from. It hurt. Here was the possibility of that dream coming true, but no guarantee. And on the other hand, here was this man in my life that has proven to me that he will always be here. So I walked away, straight back into what I knew could last forever. No matter how bad I want to be in love forever; it simply does not work. But I can love someone forever. And that has to be enough. When I'm old and grey, the light fades from my eyes and I'm sitting in a rocker on my front porch, I know he will be there. At that point there will be no physical strength for hugs that make you feel as if you're floating on air. Turning the living room into a ballroom will be too much effort. There will be no endearing moments to return that magic to my heart. No...but I know I will still have a hand to hold. Someone who loves me so much that he believes in that magic. Even if I can't anymore. He will wipe away the tears I shed, even as I break my own heart. He will have his magic that lasts forever. And me? I will have him to hold on to. It is not a fairytale. It is not a dream come true. It is a woman, making a decision to love him forever. It is the harsh reality of the matter. I will never leave him again. Because he offers something that dream of being in love never could. He offers security. Comfort in the world. And for this scared little girl, joining the big kid world, that has to be enough. The universe does not hold magic in it. I walked away from that belief, and the man that enabled me to dream so big I saw the world through rose colored glasses. He is not coming back. He is already moving forward. And I am too. I chose my future. At least I know I will be content there, secure, loved and cared for.