Sadness.

That is the topic of the day ladies and gentlemen. Today I am sad. And there's a number of reasons why. The past, the present. The potential and things that could have been. The enormous amount of stress I've been distracting myself from. Everything going on has been so crazy and it's very hard to deal with it all. I told myself I wouldn't dwell on it all, but that doesn't mean I can go without acknowledging it. You know, I can always tell when I'm in a down phase. I'm always tired, food is comfort, music makes my heart ache. I could be cleaning, planning things, just relaxing for that matter. And instead I find myself completely unmotivated, exhausted, and overwhelmingly sad for some reason. The tears keep welling up in my eyes but they won't come out, won't free me from this emotion. I sleep but wake up wanting to go right back into that unconscious state of mind. I've spent the morning with my son and even that can't keep the smile on my face. And he knows something is wrong, he can always tell. I know that I will make it through this phase. But today, the smiles won't come as easily, the laughter is forced. And overall I just want to be left alone in my misery. I know I talk of putting it all behind you, moving forward, getting over things. But I am human as well and part of healing is feeling like this every once in a while, I feel like every time I'm on the right path something happens and I have to readjust or take a step back. Such is the way of life though. I guess, I'm not really sure what to say. I wasn't even motivated to update this blog today, haven't been for a little bit honestly, as I'm sure my writings have shown. I just can't quite figure out how to get that motivation back. Not quite sure how to make myself get out of this funk. And you know, even with this going on today I can tell you I'm happy overall with my life. It's just part of being bipolar. You can have the best day ever and still feel exhausted emotionally. Spent to the core and unable to lift your head because of the weight on your heart. I know a lot of it has to do with the stressors in my life right now, and I know eventually this phase will pass and things will get better. Now my baby boy is awake and it's time to bring his smile out, maybe (hopefully) this time with him will make my smile easier as well.