So yesterday, I said "I'll be better tomorrow". That was a true statement. I've pulled myself together a bit after some sleep, okay a lot of it, and some peace in my day. I realize that I've been falling apart more frequently lately and I think it's time to share a few things with you all...brace yourself. Lol.
My first and foremost concern right now is my Grandma. Her health has been slowly declining the past few years. Sunday was a complete nightmare for our entire family. I received a phone call from my uncle saying she had a heart attack and he couldn't reach my mother. Luckily, I have a friend that works with her and we were able to get the news to her. We all met at the hospital and I'm pretty sure that image will stick with me forever. They had her on a breathing machine. Tubes going everywhere, breathing for her, monitoring everything you could possibly monitor. A few times she woke up and tried getting out of bed so they had to continue sedating her and had her actually restrained to the bed. It was not easy for anyone up there. Then my uncle disappeared. We all went searching for him, and eventually I found him. He had found a little alcove and was sitting there by himself, lost in thought. As he looked up at me, my heart completely broke. Now, let me back track for a moment. Years ago my uncle met his soul mate. She was a beautiful woman inside and out. Her memory still inspires me to this day. One night she went to sleep with a head ache, and I'm not sure of all the details following, but passed away. They said she had a brain aneurism, which was caught in time, but a blood clot was not. Now my uncle, sitting in that little alcove, looked at me and said "all I could see was her laying there." I knelt down and hugged him and we fell apart together. He has always been my favorite uncle. Strong, giving, kind, funny, a steady support. He tucked my hair behind my ear, as always, and told me I'd never know how much I meant to him. To see him like that...to see him hurt so much, it was almost unbearable. As close as we are, I've seen him cry twice now. Once, when his beloved passed away, and then on Sunday. Here's the moral of the story though, and I apologize because this was all written much better the first time: our entire family is falling to pieces right now. But sitting there with my uncle reminded me of this, there are soul mates out there. And when you know, you'll know for the rest of your life, no doubt in your mind.
Next subject...the actual issues going on with my Grandma, she's had several strokes, her kidneys are slowly failing, there's so may issues with her health that its impossible to name them all. And she's so damn stubborn. She refuses to do what she needs to do to be healthier. It's almost like she's giving up. The doctors were able to bring her back this time. But a lot of damage was done. They wanted to do a heart catheter to see exactly how much damage has been done to her heart and to see if there are any blood clots. The only problem is that if they do this she will need to be on dialysis for her kidneys. She refuses. So instead, they are going to do an alternative procedure to make sure her lungs are clear. I honestly have no idea what purpose that has, but it's what they've chosen to do. They said without the catheter she will continue to have strokes and heart attacks until, eventually, they will no longer be able to bring her back. This is the decision she has made. The other issue at hand is a living will. She doesn't believe she needs one, almost like she's in denial about the severity of the situation. If she doesn't have one and they have to put her back in the ICU, nobody will have any say in what the doctors choose to do, even if its against her will. Either way this goes, it's a matter of time before we lose her and all of the events of the past few days have made us realize this more than ever. For now, all we can do is appreciate the time we have with her and create as many memories as possible.
So, that's the main concern...now into the rest...my Dad. The other side of my family. The war that is raging between him and Momma and this whole situation. You all know about the divorce, or maybe you don't. I'm not sure at this point. Regardless, there is a divorce happening between them, it has been ugly, it has been hurtful, it has been more than strenuous on the entire family. We will all make it through, but right now there's more than that going on. Momma has four kids, I'm an "adopted" one because I found her when I found my Dad. There is one young lady (just turned 18 :), one preteen and the twins are stil kids in my book. Within the past few weeks, even though it feels like months, two of the girls stepped forward with claims of sexual abuse. An investigation is underway and they have been put through many psychological exams and a tremendous amount of stress. The whole family has been put under a tremendous amount of stress. Until a few days ago, my father knew nothing of the investigation. Now that he knows, I'm allowed to let you all know about it. Momma and the kids are safe, they have been in a sort of "protective custody" with different friends for quite some time, since word leaked of the investigation really. I do not know how my father is reacting to it, but only time will tell. I recieved a call from him the other day, but was with my Grandmother in the ICU. Just btw everyone, she's out of the ICU now but still on their floor. Anywho, I haven't found the strength to call him back yet. I'm still not really sure of how to handle all of this. Part of me wants to believe that it's not true. Too much is known by those little girls for it not to be though. The younger is just afraid, terrified to be completely honest. The older is more like I was after all of my past came out. She's sptting fire and mad as Hell. I see parts of myself in both of them and know that they will bounce back from this. I still have some issues going on because of it though. Mostly, I'm outraged. I spent 17 years of my life believing my Dad was a child molester. And when I found out the truth, that he wasn't my biological Dad, I went on a search to find him.
Pause. My Daddy is not to be confused with either of these men. My Daddy raised me and gave us all he had. He stood in where every other man in our lives had failed and he was a damn good man. My legal father was in prison during this time. He signed my birth certificate knowing I was not his. My biological father is the one I am talking about in this passage. Most people have Daddy issues because their Dad's left, I was blessed with multiple father figures in my life and I have learned from their good and bad.
This is part of a message I sent to my Momma yesterday while I had my little breakdown. "I'm so messed up about everything going on. For seventeen years I thought my Dad was a child molester. And then I met Daddy and I was so excited. I thought I had found a living father figure I could look up to. Someone to believe in, someone that would be there. And then he turned into a monster too." That's how I feel right now. There's still that little girl inside me hoping that this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. Truth is though, something inside me tells me I'm living/awake and it's all just begun...It's nothing I haven't been through before. I will be alright, I'm mostly worried about the girls. They've had their innocence stripped of them, their nightmares become reality, their whole world turned upside down. They've had their trust broken, which isn't easy to fix. The amount my heart aches for them is undescribable. And then Momma. Sweet sweet Momma. This has been more than a nightmare for her. As a parent myself I couldn't even begin to imagine what she is going through. She's had to sit there and listen to her children as they've told the workers of their nightmares. She's had to adjust from getting a divorce to pursuing charges against a monster. A man she loved, someone she cherished, has done this to her children. I know people had to calm me down from putting the bullet in the gun when I found out, and trust me I was close. I am extremely proud of how strong she has been through all of this. Not only has she been coping, she's also been there for her children and she's still been my Momma even when her problems are far bigger than mine.
At this point guys, I'm emoitionally exhausted. Never in my life has my soul felt as heavy as it does right now. There's a tremendous amount of sadness, anger, despair. But, there is still brightness there. Yesterday a friend sent me this message, "I know you, your ins and outs, the way you are. I know you've been neglecting your own needs for others. I know you haven't been taking time for yourself. I know you're falling to pieces and trying to be strong for everyone else. Take some time for you Sarah. Take some time to pamper yourself and to make sure you're okay. Becuase if you fall apart, who will be there for everyone else?" That message hit home with me more than you will ever know. So last night, I did just that. I came home from the hospital and put my precious baby to sleep, and I remembered the simple things. Too often in this life, the big picture consumes us and we forget the little moments that make life worthwhile. So I cleaned the tub, lit some candles, and soaked in a bubble bath. I shaved (which was much needed, let me tell you. This no shave November should NOT extend to females), I took my time washing my hair, took the time to pamper and revive my body. I massaged my shoulders, lotioned my skin, painted my nails, listened to good music. Then I slept for quite a while. A deep sleep I'm not used to. I woke up today feeling refreshed and remembering how good it feels to be a woman. The way you feel sexy with smooth legs sliding into jeans, the simple joy of putting on a little make-up and accentuating the features you love about yourself. How good it feels running a brush through your hair until every strand is silky smooth. I've even taken time to remember how joyous it is to be a mother. The smile on my boys face as we play, how snuggly he is after his nap as he whispers he loves me, how happy he is as he learns new things, and even now as he's jumping around saying "peacock" which is for some reason his new favorite word. I know that no matter what happens, we will spend as much time with my Grandma as possible and make as many new memories as we can. I know that my family, both sides, will pull through everything we're going through. I know that no matter what, no matter how many times I fall apart in the battles to come, I will stand back up. I will be stronger, more experienced, and better prepared for the next thing life throws at me. Yea, there's a lot going on, but I'm gonna be just fine. We all will. God doens't give you more than you can handle, and He doesn't use those that don't know suffering. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and somehow there will be good from all of this. For now though, I'm gonna go make dinner. And yes, I'm going to enjoy that too :)
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