Hmmm...

Let me tell you all a little about me right now. My whole life I've always said I want to be independent. Never really understood what I meant by that, but my heart spoke it to me, so I've tried. Tried to be financially independent, which is hard these days. Tried to take care of things on my own when I should have turned to others for support. Then it hit me all at once, and I realized. My heart wanted to be independent. My heart wanted to know what it was like to not rely on others opinions to feel good, to feel great. Now before, I was scared of this. Was scared that my own scars, that my previous pain, was all I'd ever see. So I began this journey. Let me tell you one thing I have learned so far. I have been on this journey my whole life. I've been out there searching for myself in others. And I'm proud to sit here today and tell you all that I've faced that fear. And what I have found has been so much more rewarding than that fear holding me still all those years. My scars make me beautiful, because they prove everything I've been through. My tears make me shine, because they reflect the light shining in my soul, show my compassion to the world. My laughter is my favorite part of me because it shows that I still know how to live. To enjoy life. To breathe newness and excitement and a child like wonder into everything I set out to do. My smile is gorgeous, because it's no longer a mask to hide years of pain. And my eyes. They're my favorite feature because you can look into them and see every single emotion I feel in my heart. They shine when I'm happy, they're dark when I'm sad. They are narrow with anger and wide open with excitement or surprise. My favorite though, is when they are closed and there's a small smile on my face. Because those moments...they're the moments that take my breath away. The moments I live for. The moments, seemingly useless to others, that teach me, stretch me, heal me, and mostly the moments that teach me to grow.

Now I know that there will be hard times ahead. And I know that this journey is far from over, there's still so much left to explore. But I am determined to hold on to this newfound relationship with my own heart. And if you know me, you know that I do what I'm determined to do. See, that's another of those strengths. Determination. A drive that pushes me beyond my own boundaries and makes me explore the unkown to grow and to nurture my own very own sould, as well as the souls of others. I'm real guys. No secrets here. Life is a constant battle of good and wrong, mistakes/failures and the greatest successes you'll ever know. The first step though, the first step is to face that fear with every ounce of feirceness in your heart. Only then will you truly know how strong you are. Weeks of soul searching has taught me this. I hope that you can find inspiration in my lesson learned :)


Oh! I almost forgot, had to come back and tell you all! My ring broke today. Y'all know the one I'm talking about. Started wearing it because it reminded me of Granny's necklace that was lost. A flower for growth. Trying to open a very stubborn bottle of Mountain Dew (my elixir, and yes I'm that nerd) and it broke. I started to get upset, and then laughed. Maybe it's just a sign. I no longer need a reminder that I'm growing. Never in my life have I been so aware of who I am and where I'm going. Of course, I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I'll be happy there. I think that's what matters most as I'm sitting here listening to Frank Sinatra. Eminem was on when I began this post. Haha, my playlist is your worst nightmare, it's as strange as me :)