Wow.

Its that time again ladies and gentlemen. Where do I even start...you all know everything going on. As always, some things must remain private. But, you all know about me falling apart, so we can start there. I spent most of the week with friends dragging me out of the house. I'm grateful for them.  Then Thursday it happened again. I honestly didn't want to do anything. I told several people that I just wanted to crawl in bed and sleep the depression away. Of course my best friend stepped in and said no. So I went out. It was girls night after all. A bottle and a half of wine paired with four shots of Jim later, I hit bitch mode. I think I needed to be angry for a while honestly. I made a bad decision, realized it for what it was and in that split second even more changed. I told a lot of people where to stick it that night, and that right there is the nicest way to say that. I was mad. Spitting fire at anyone who crossed my path. BUT I am not sorry for any of it. I said what needed to be said. I said what I had been keeping bottled up inside for so long. It was beautiful. Not graceful like I generally try to do things, but raw and unfiltered. Completely. I told three people to get out of my life, apologized to a few others, and reassured those most important to me just how much they mean to me. I remember every word I said and will back it up even now while completely sober. Now, that leads us into the pasr few days. Mom and I had a serious conversation that has been needed for a very long time. We forgave each other for the things we held against each other. We reconnected. No. Connected, in a way we never have before. It was a huge relief to both of us. Especially with me living here now. She has tried so hard over the years. And I just got more and more angry, then I left. Disappeared, swore I would never be like my family, yadayada. Moving back has made me realize that it is okay to be like them. I just have to take the good I've learned from them and make my own way from that base.  That led me into thinking about the rest of the family I had pushed away over the years. Of course, there was always some excuse or reason. In reality though, it was my fault. My decisions, even subconsciously. That changes now. That changes today. I went to our Christmas dinner tonight. Just me and my family. Haven't been in a few years. I've pretty much ignored that side of my family. I walked in with Anakin and was immediately ENGULFED in warm hugs, kisses, offers of food, anything we wanted. It was amazung. Overwhelming. Heart-wrenching. Invitations to lunches and other family gatherings, genuine questions of how we are doing, this side of my family has even kept up with happenings on my Mom's side of the family and began expressing concern for Grams, whom they don't even know. But they know I love her and I've been struggling, so they asked, and offered help in any way they can. I was literally in tears. Am again remembering the evening and smiling faces and hugs. Lets not forget the food either...nothing like a home cooked potluck meal. All of the sudden it was time to leave. Way too soon in my personal opinion...I mean, how do you take that all in with such a short time span? I know lately I have been drained and depressed and stressing way too much. Tonight definitely went a long way towards recharging my heart though...so much faith in ME. From so many lovibg people.. I definitely get my compassion and determination and FAITH from that side of the family...so loving, genuine, REAL. Real people. Real unconditional love...and now. Now I have lunch planned with my sisters. Now there are New Years plans with my family. And Jeremy! Goodness gracious. That boy was my rock. Him and Zellie kept me going. Then, gaven't seen him since I was 16 but suddenly he was there giving me one of those hugs that says "you are safe, you will make it." I bawled like a baby. It was so unexpected. I was so caught up in my own misery that I had forgotten one of my two favorite cousins was coming home. Talk about shock. We instantly turned into kids again. But then we turned around and there was MY baby running up just to say "Mommy I love you". It was the first time my Jeremy, my dearest cousin, had met my baby. Talk about shock. Pride. Joy. A little bit of sadness, but an overwhelming sense of coming HOME. Its been so long. I know this though. My place is here, with my family. Getting life in order. Following a plan to achieve my goals. Having a purpose that fulfills my needs, my sons needs, and brings me back to my roots - this family I love Oh so dearly...I  honestly can NOT describe all of the different emotions running through me. But it is beautiful. Miraculous. The kind of night that reminds you what Christmas is truly about. What LIFE is about for that matter...goodness. Okay, enough about all that. Haha, I wish you all could see me shooing away all the words in my mind. There is one other subject I wish to discuss with you all tonight. The movie. Remember how I spoke of wanting to do things on my own? Mission one accomplished! I felt so good tonight - I went to see a movie! Walking up to the counter was weird. But I asked for ONE ticket to my movie, and the cashier looked at me with respect. Then! I got extra butter on my popcorn, added lots of ranch flavor and got a drink. I walked in and headed straight to my favorite seat, put my feet uo and proceeded to laugh so hard I snorted. Yeo. Right there in the theatre. Laughed, cried, ate ALL of the popcorn without sharing. It was great and I highly recommend it. So at peace with myself. So comfortable in my own skin. And when the movie was over I watched the credits and bloopers. Because I could! Then, last one standing, I walked out of the doors completely alone. Instead of lonely or awkward or any of that I thought I would have to deal with, I walked out with my head held high. Feeling accomplished, lighthearted, free. Not like Oh I'm single I can do what I want free. I mean free. No stress, no greif, no awkwardness. Just me. It was beautiful as well. To top it all off, I headed home with Christina Aguilera blaring "You are beautiful". Oh yea. Even if you're in a relationship, I strongly recommend. Nah, I beg you, to try experiences on your own as well. You never know how it will turn out until you face your fear and take that leap of faith in YOURSELF. With that, ladies and gentlemen, I will say goodnight. Sweet dreams and please cherish all you have RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

I tried.

I waited a while to post on here. Its only been two days, but I feel stronger today. See, when life turns upside down it often times takes three days to see correctly again. Two days ago we came to my mothers. I know we were planning the move, it just happened a little more suddenly than I thought it would. The day before yesterday I fell apart. Completely. Cried so hard I literally got sick. Then I sat on my Mommas  porch and started putting myself back together. I woke up yesterday, got sick and then got to work. Keeping busy most of the day helps. Anakin and I cleaned and painted and played all day. Talked to an old friend last night and other things weighing on my heart hit me. Cried a bit then went to sleep. This morning all these changes didn't hit so hard. Felt naseous but didn't get sick. My chest still hurts, but thats going to take some time. Once the initial stress is gone I know it will feel better. Today we have yet another ridixulous to-do list and I'm anxious to start.  Life keeps moving forward, ready or not, so I'm gettin there. I know that this is far from over. But I know that each step will get easier and on most fronts I think we're headed in the rights directions.  Its time to get my life in order. Have a great day everyone!

so.

I'm a little bit frustrated and a whole lot of tired.  A whole lot of tired. There's not really much else I can say. I'm tired of stress, tired of drama, sick of people with hidden agendas, tired of work, tired of life, tired of pretending to be happy all the time. You know, this is the only place I can vent. No advice I don't want, no shenanigans, no bullshit honestly. What happened to the days when people actually cared for other people? What happened to mankind? Can a person not just love people, in general? Can people no longer see the good in helping others and being genuine? I know I'm ranting here. And I would say I'm sorry but I'm not. I don't even have it left in me to write on here. I'm gonna go regain some energy. Maybe pray a little. My hearts in so much turmoil right now it's crazy. How can people be so cruel? What happened to us as a people? When did the world start destroying itself and others in it?

hrmm...

I need some wind, I need some space. Anything will do, just get out of my face. Need that long breath of fresh air. Need something I do declare. Take me out, just like a dream. Break me free before I scream. Hit the gas, let's go for a while. As we fly I'll start to smile. Tell me sweetie, oh don't say no. Come on baby, let's just go...       I   guess this is the bikers daughter side of me coming out? All I know is I'm begging for that freedom. When you're on the back of a bike it's like nothing else. Just you, the road and your prayers. It is by far the most peace I've felt in my life. Riding down a back road, wind ripping through your hair, breath taken by the beauty of it all...for that short time the rest of the world disappears.

try.

So autocorrect changed the title and I decided to stick with it. Sorry I haven't updated recently. Life has been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. Umm...we'll start with Grams. She's doing as good as can be expected given the circumstances. They installed the port for dialysis and then had some issues with it. Luckily those were taken care of in time. Right now its a battle against time. If the dialysis doesn't help the way it should ahe doesn't have very much longer. If it does doctors say she has a maximum of two years, but we're hoping they're wrong on the maximum part.  She's back in the hospital for now and we'll see where that leads. They should be transferring her back to rehab tomorrow. With that being said, I am actually moving in with Mom to help take care of her. Its going to be rough, but its a necessary move. Ma can't do it all on her own and my schedule aligns with hers to be of some use. It will also, hopefully, relieve some of the tension here. I'll get the basment apartment for me and Anakin so we'll have our own space. Ma will be right there to spend more time with him and if all goes well we will be able to have a mother/daughter relationship. This is something I have not allowed in the past because of resentment and anger. Age and experience has shown me that she did the best she could in raiaing us. She's a strong woman that has been through a lot, including having to deal with the knowledge of everything her kids went through while she was working to make ends meet.  Other than that I don't really know what to say this night...its been exhausting. I've lost my best friend. Well, walked away because of some horrible habits she is picking up and will not drop. She refuses to see an issue with the pattern she has been following over the past few years. Its all ups and downs and no middle ground because of the choices she is making. While it hurts, I had to walk away. I can't let the things she is choosing to do put my family in any danger. All it would take would be me visiting at the wrong time and I could lose my son should others find out what she's doing. I can not and will not take that risk for anyone. Not even her. Oh, and while we're on here I guess I can update you about what is going on with my Dad. No charges have been filed yet and I'm beginning to wonder if I jumped to conclusions because of my past. He just seems so normal. Still calls to check in on us, hasn't mentioned the investigation though he's heard about it. The other day the oldest of the girls came forward. I don't believe they're lying. I just don't know what to do. Anakin loves him so much...my Dad is a lot of things, but it is very hard to believe that he could be that...he called today and asked what has been going on because I've been so distant. I'm so tired and couldn't bring myself to ask the questions I have. Couldn't bear to even begin that conversation when my heart is in such turmoil over it all...so instead I lied, and I am admitting that here to you all. I told him everything going on here was so time consuming I just hadn't been able to call like I used to. It's partly true, but my conscience is heavy because I know its not the true reason I haven't been calling. Anyways, as I said, there's a whirlwind of things going on over here. Its a lot to take in at once, especially top of work and being a Mom. But we're surround by good loving people that help out in any way they can. Still going strong even through the turmoil. I firmly believe God will not give you more than you can handle and He has provided me and Anakin with everything we have truly needed every step of the way. Hard as it is sometimes, I am holding on to my faith and trusting that my God will see me through in the right direction. This leads me into one final topic. Over the years I have had my shares of ups and downs. Every time I have been down I have clung to my faith and have come out better. Then during the good times I felt strong enough to take on the world with my own two hands. This has always been my downfall, where things turn bad. From here on out I will strive to keep my faith alive in good and bad. Not to only pray when I am weak, but also to praise when I am strong. Hopefully my faith will not offend any of my readers, and I will try not to rub it in anyones facez, I believe each person has the right to their own beliefs and opinions.  I just wanted to share this newest of ateps along my journey. Wishing you all well and hopefully will be back to update more soon!

Admit it.

Well guys. I'm doing it. Doing this. The first step to healing is getting out of denial, admitting your problems. So here goes: I am in love with a man that is not in love with me. There ya have it. And I thought I could convince myself he didn't exist. Thought I could walk away and ignore my feelings. Then I met...we'll call him country boy, because no matter how much of a man you become a country boy is a country boy. So, I met country boy. And he's a good man. Accepting of my son, thinks I hung the moon, would do anything for me. But I don't love him like that. So now I've put him in the same position I'm in. And it sucks. Majorly. He loves me, I love him as a friend. I love this other man, he doesn't love me. Goodness. So from here on I'll let y'all know what all Country Boy does for me. And I'll keep track of what my heart is going through. Here is my question though. When you've had that moment you spent your whole life waiting for, and that person doesn't love you. When deep in your heart you know things could work given a chance and time. Do you walk away and ignore hope? Do you just be grateful for what you have offered to you and ignore the rest? Can I really do that to someone that knows I'm in love with another man? The answer to that question is no. But there's still that other question. Keep holding on or walk away? Can one really walk away from the person of their dreams, no matter how screwed up everything is? I know that others could give me  more than what has been offered. But I don't want it, I know what I want and I can't have it...so now what do I do?

:)

I fell apart last night ladies and gentlemen. Completely fell apart...I mean ugly tears and sobs and all. I was a mess. More so than I have ever been in my life. I got some news about my Grandmother being rushed back to the hospital. The outlook is grim. Six months to two years. Nobody really knows but the doctors said a maximum of two years...with this news everything I've been ignoring hit me. It was like I could physically feel my heart shattering, breaking into so many pieces over so many different things. I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop the tears from flowing. It was a miracle I made it through the night. I literally felt like I was hollow inside. Like every emotion had left and I was just empty yet full of sorrow at the same time. Every fiber of my being was crying out, screaming for mercy. Even my son couldn't make me smile, and that's saying something. He kept wiping my tears away and asking me why I was sad. That just broke my heart even more. I ended up drinking the equivalent of a full bottle of Moscato, and for a little bit was relieved from the tears. My sons Dad picked him up when we got up to the hospital and then I went in to see Grams who was asking for me. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is for me to watch her go through all of this. Laying there in bed she barely even recognized me, though she had been asking for me moments before. She was talking about things that had happened twenty years ago, incoherently babbling sometimes. It was rough. But. By the time they got her into her own room she was awake again. She was laughing and joking, back to being my Grams. Today we got the messages from the doctors and yet again, all we can do is spend as much time with her as possible and pray. I came home last night instead of spending the night up there like usual. Was able to sleep after a while and woke up feeling better. Sometimes you need to fall apart completely to be able to put yourself back together. I was kind of groggy when I woke up and then decided it was time to do something. So....I cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom. And then, my friend came home and we decided to rearrange the whole apartment! It's crazy how much we're alike and she'll never know how good of a friend she is to me. Other than that I'm not really sure what to say. It's been a rough week but I'm okay again, I still have hope. I not gonna share the rest of what's happened on here. Just know that I'm doing better and for now that's what matters. Each day, each minute, one moment at a time. Remember the small things, be grateful for every blessing no matter how small. :)

Grateful.

I am grateful today. After such a down day yeterday I got to spend time with an amazing friend. She doesn't realize it but she's actually my hero. After all she's been through she still smiles every day, her laughter flows freely. She knows who she is and isn't changing for anyone. We had a great dinner last night, drank a little too much wine as is common with us, and talked about life in general. Then today we started out heading to the zoo and somehow ended up at the mall. It was a fun time and some pretty awesome happy faces!

I am also grateful for my little goober butt.



This was him after we won the nap battle of the day! Just thinking about my precious baby warms my heart and soul. He was a miracle and I'll forever be thankful for him. He's such a little cutie you can't help but love him unconditionally. He lights up my whole life with his silly giggles and surprises me more every day with how smart he is. 

Next are my friends and family. Each of them at some point have let me lean on them and take comfort from them. I will always try to do the same for them and be there for them as much as possible. Growing up in a world as dark as mine was you'd never know how much true friendship means. It is a huge blessing and an amazing part of life.

Really, there's so much more I'm thankful for. But for now I'm going to enjoy some sunshine and revel in feeling good again. The sadness is still there, but today the laughter is winning. What more could I ask for?

Sadness.

That is the topic of the day ladies and gentlemen. Today I am sad. And there's a number of reasons why. The past, the present. The potential and things that could have been. The enormous amount of stress I've been distracting myself from. Everything going on has been so crazy and it's very hard to deal with it all. I told myself I wouldn't dwell on it all, but that doesn't mean I can go without acknowledging it. You know, I can always tell when I'm in a down phase. I'm always tired, food is comfort, music makes my heart ache. I could be cleaning, planning things, just relaxing for that matter. And instead I find myself completely unmotivated, exhausted, and overwhelmingly sad for some reason. The tears keep welling up in my eyes but they won't come out, won't free me from this emotion. I sleep but wake up wanting to go right back into that unconscious state of mind. I've spent the morning with my son and even that can't keep the smile on my face. And he knows something is wrong, he can always tell. I know that I will make it through this phase. But today, the smiles won't come as easily, the laughter is forced. And overall I just want to be left alone in my misery. I know I talk of putting it all behind you, moving forward, getting over things. But I am human as well and part of healing is feeling like this every once in a while, I feel like every time I'm on the right path something happens and I have to readjust or take a step back. Such is the way of life though. I guess, I'm not really sure what to say. I wasn't even motivated to update this blog today, haven't been for a little bit honestly, as I'm sure my writings have shown. I just can't quite figure out how to get that motivation back. Not quite sure how to make myself get out of this funk. And you know, even with this going on today I can tell you I'm happy overall with my life. It's just part of being bipolar. You can have the best day ever and still feel exhausted emotionally. Spent to the core and unable to lift your head because of the weight on your heart. I know a lot of it has to do with the stressors in my life right now, and I know eventually this phase will pass and things will get better. Now my baby boy is awake and it's time to bring his smile out, maybe (hopefully) this time with him will make my smile easier as well.

Lesson learned.

It takes longer to put yourself together than it does to fall apart. This is something I have learned. Something I am still learning every moment of every day. A lot has happened recently. A lot I am not willing to get into. But all of it has made me realize some pretty deep truths. You know, I read a quote the other day. It said that there's a difference between getting through something and getting over it. I never realized how true that really is. So much has happened in my lifetime, I never took the time to get over it all. To grieve, to be angry, to realize the truths. Here's what it's come down to though. I've needed this time for me, still do. And I'm going to make mistakes. Travel down the wrong path sometimes. Get a little distracted from everything. But I have this underlying need. This determination, if you will. To make life better for me and for my son. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him, my little miracle. I will get over it all and I will move forward better than ever. Also, I know you're still reading this. I will get over you. And I will always be here for you, no matter how bad it has hurt me. What's best for me is not to dwell on the could be or the what if. What is best for me is to move forward. One step, one minute, one moment into the future. Because that's truly the only way to live. I've screwed a lot of things up in this life of mine. I've hurt others by pushing myself too far. To the one I've hurt the most, and you know who you are, I am sorry. We will get through this though. And I have no doubt that we will be amazing friends once we're both over all that has happened recently. Every person in my life right now has been a true friend. And that's hard to find. I have a lot of friends and a lot of great quality friends. I am truly blessed there. To have gone through everything I have been through. To survive and come out still enjoying the sunshine and laughter. I know I'm a spectacular woman. I draw people to me with my personality. I write this blog to share my journey with everyone. And I thank you all for being here, for allowing me to share. I don't even really know what else to put on here...it's another day in my journey and today has been and good one and truly inspiring. Healing as well. another momentous step forward. To everyone out there reading: have a great day. Life is a miracle and it should be filled with joy and laughter. Get through the hard times, over the bad, and come out soaring full of wonder.

JJust a word before sleep.

I can now update this blog on my phone. Incredibly exciting :) tonight though, I just want to say thank you. I am incredibly blessed with the quality of people I have in my life. I am humbled by their faith in me and incredibly grateful for the support I have recieved. Life is truly wonderful.  In the words of Momma the other night during a much needed heart to heart, even in the darkest times it IS getting better. Tonight is not dark.  Just miraculously humbling and good. I realize I haven't shared things on a deeper level recently. My dedication is renewed and tomorrow, technically later today, I will begin anew with a breath of fresh air.

Laughter

Haha. I don't know why I titled this post that, but I love it so its sticking. So...I worked today. That's really all that happened today. Other than a few life lessons learned :) haha, not really. Just enjoying the day. Guys, I don't really know what I'm doing on here. Had so many things running through my mind a few minutes ago. I guess tonight I'm just full of wonder. Life is so crazy sometimes, even when it seems like everything is so calm around. You know, I've come out of my shell recently. Began to show every one me, to stop hiding behind the past and who I thought I should be. And God..I've met so many wonderful people along the way. Reconnected with some old ones. It's just so miraculous to just be who you are. No fear. And I mean, I've got fear. But to face it unafraid. Does that even make sense? Hell, I don't even know. But I'm enjoying the ride :) you know, I always thought I had to have it all together. Now I realize it just made me seem cold. Like, to not show the stuff I'm going through made me so unreal. And now that I've realized it, I've realized who my true friends are. Life is just so much more fulfilling. There are still things going on, still some issues there. But the day to day moments, the little simple things. Those are what matter. Can't you all see?! Can't you feel the magic in the air?!?!

Well hello

Well, it's later today. Or tomorrow. However you want to look at it. I've got my playlist going and I'm  enjoying this gorgeous sunshine. Lets get straight into the rehashing so it's done and over with. Before I go into it all though I want to tell you all where my mindset is, and the song "All I Want To Do" by Sugarland really puts it into as much perspective as possible, though there's no romantic interest in my life to sing it to. -lol-

I keep getting distracted singing the different songs playing. Ha. Let's get this going. Thursday teh girls had their exams and the results were what I expected but it still sucks to know now. So I went down there to see them, took some dinner, wanted to spend some time with them. Then on the way to their new place we saw him sitting there on the side of the road talking to an officer. One of the girls was in my car and I've never in my life seen such terror in her eyes. I'm not gonna go into everything that happened, but it was a bad situation. A friend took me down there and helped calm Momma down and make sure the girls were okay. The amount of healing and love and laughter in that house is amazing though. Soon after the whole incident me and Momma were in the kitchen singing and laughing and dancing. And cooking soul food of course. The kitchen is where I feel most in my element. Cooking and cleaning. I don't know why, but it calms me and helps bring me back down to earth so I don't question it.

Next. Grandma is getting out of the hospital Monday!!! She's been in and out of the ICU, I haven't been able to go see her and it's tearing me apart. But I know she's doing okay and she knows I love her. She will be going into rehab for an undetermined amount of time, but I'm sure she'll be home eventually. All of us have been so scared she won't come out of the hospital, but she'll be out tomorrow! It's great news. Especially right before the holiday.

Holidays. Thursday, Thanksgiving, I will be eating lunch with my adopted family here. I will go see Grandma. From there I will be dropping my little bundle of joy off with his father. This year I've decided to go see a movie by myself, just for the experience. Pretty excited about it really! After that it'll be headed up to girls night to catch up with one of my very best friends :) Oh geez, our Lollipop song came on as I typed that. Taking it as a sign that we'll have a great night! I love our every other Thursdays. Gives us a chance to just be ourselves and forget everything going on for a little while. As long as I don't mess up my face again. Tehe :)

Other than that guys, I don't really know what to say. I'm on this brink of flipping out and just seeing how much further I can go. So many things have happened, tried to bring me down, and I'm still here standing and flying all on my own. My friends have been amazing this past week, they've been there for me even when I have been horrible. And I mean horrible. At one point I was on a ten minute rant about everything going on with my Dad's side of the family. Showed the ugliest side of me you could ever even imagine seeing. And they were all still right there, patiently waiting for me to be through. It means a lot to me. And then I came home and helped cut up a deer. -lol- My life is out of control, it's everywhere. I'm just here enjoying the ride though. Some things will have to change here soon, and for that I am preparing. But right now, in this very instance, I'm gonna get off here and go dance with a reckless abandon. Why would I do that, you ask? Simple. Laughter. It makes everything better :)

So much.

Where do I even begin? I honestly don't feel like doing the whole update and type it all out stuff. So I will share some pictures that speak my mind/heart right now. Hope y'all enjoy!

 

 

That's all I'm sharing right now guys. I just don't feel like rehashing all of what has happened yet, I'll deal with it all tomorrow :) well...later today. Hehe

 

 

Hmmm...

Let me tell you all a little about me right now. My whole life I've always said I want to be independent. Never really understood what I meant by that, but my heart spoke it to me, so I've tried. Tried to be financially independent, which is hard these days. Tried to take care of things on my own when I should have turned to others for support. Then it hit me all at once, and I realized. My heart wanted to be independent. My heart wanted to know what it was like to not rely on others opinions to feel good, to feel great. Now before, I was scared of this. Was scared that my own scars, that my previous pain, was all I'd ever see. So I began this journey. Let me tell you one thing I have learned so far. I have been on this journey my whole life. I've been out there searching for myself in others. And I'm proud to sit here today and tell you all that I've faced that fear. And what I have found has been so much more rewarding than that fear holding me still all those years. My scars make me beautiful, because they prove everything I've been through. My tears make me shine, because they reflect the light shining in my soul, show my compassion to the world. My laughter is my favorite part of me because it shows that I still know how to live. To enjoy life. To breathe newness and excitement and a child like wonder into everything I set out to do. My smile is gorgeous, because it's no longer a mask to hide years of pain. And my eyes. They're my favorite feature because you can look into them and see every single emotion I feel in my heart. They shine when I'm happy, they're dark when I'm sad. They are narrow with anger and wide open with excitement or surprise. My favorite though, is when they are closed and there's a small smile on my face. Because those moments...they're the moments that take my breath away. The moments I live for. The moments, seemingly useless to others, that teach me, stretch me, heal me, and mostly the moments that teach me to grow.

Now I know that there will be hard times ahead. And I know that this journey is far from over, there's still so much left to explore. But I am determined to hold on to this newfound relationship with my own heart. And if you know me, you know that I do what I'm determined to do. See, that's another of those strengths. Determination. A drive that pushes me beyond my own boundaries and makes me explore the unkown to grow and to nurture my own very own sould, as well as the souls of others. I'm real guys. No secrets here. Life is a constant battle of good and wrong, mistakes/failures and the greatest successes you'll ever know. The first step though, the first step is to face that fear with every ounce of feirceness in your heart. Only then will you truly know how strong you are. Weeks of soul searching has taught me this. I hope that you can find inspiration in my lesson learned :)


Oh! I almost forgot, had to come back and tell you all! My ring broke today. Y'all know the one I'm talking about. Started wearing it because it reminded me of Granny's necklace that was lost. A flower for growth. Trying to open a very stubborn bottle of Mountain Dew (my elixir, and yes I'm that nerd) and it broke. I started to get upset, and then laughed. Maybe it's just a sign. I no longer need a reminder that I'm growing. Never in my life have I been so aware of who I am and where I'm going. Of course, I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I'll be happy there. I think that's what matters most as I'm sitting here listening to Frank Sinatra. Eminem was on when I began this post. Haha, my playlist is your worst nightmare, it's as strange as me :)

One last thing before I get some rest.

A friend sent me this, and I wanted to share it with all of you.
"...I think you will find yourself like you are looking for like that eagle floating through that stadium. May be blind and diving in but somewhere along the way you will remember and find what is right and it will beautiful and spectacular. And like you said, when you land there may be some booms that throw you off balance but you'll hold on and stand true... And for that you already possess bravery and courage I don't even know you see yet but it's in you..."
Now, you all may not understand all of what is held in this message. To me though, it is beautiful and it rings so very true...Love, I thank you so very much for that inspiration. You are truly a blessing as a friend and you'll never know how much that means to me. I hope I can provide that type of inspiration to you and to others. You've taught me to be a better friend, and you don't realize how good of one you are. Even if you tend to disappear. Lol. To everyone: remember to soar. Stay true to yourself and you'll fly higher than you ever dreamed. I mean, honestly, I can't say it better than that friend did. Now I really and truly am going to get some rest :)

Where do I begin?

So much has happened throughout this day that I don't even know where to start. Honestly, I don't want to rehash it because of lot of it was with my personal personal life. And y'all know I don't share that unless I feel I have to for y'all to understand. Tonight, I don't need to share it all to get the point across. We'll just get straight into it from here. I know that there have been people I've hurt. For that I am truly sorry. I know there are things that should have never been said, and things I should have said before that I never did. From here on out I've decided to watch what I put out there and what I don't share with people more carefully. And that doesn't mean I'm gonna lose my reckless abandon, I'm certainly not gonna lose my carefree child full of wonder outlook on life. But there has been a lesson learned today, and I can still be all of those things while being more careful. It's not about me, it's about considering others and the fact that everyone's outlook on life is different. Umm, really, that's all I have to say right now. Gonna go look at the stars, get lost in my own thought for a while. I'm learning to enjoy my own company and it's pretty rewarding. Sweet dreams everyone!

Here's the gist of me.

Today I reached a breaking point. Felt like I was at my wits end. It took one friend messaging me, one person I barely even know making me smile, and I was okay again. Took a step back from that dark abyss and smiled. It's that simple. Life can bring you down, make you cry, drive your soul to the brink of no end. All you have to do is smile though. Hold on to that reckless abandon and smile for a while, everything can be made better by that tiny simple action. Now I'm dancing around (well, took a moment to share this with you all) and I'm cooking. I'm laughing with my son, spending time with him like I haven't been the past few days. He looked at me today and told me I was being mean. Broke my heart to realize it was true. We all make mistakes though, and now it's time for me to get back to making amends with him. I love you all, my heart is open and caring. Never believe anything different about me because it simply wouldn't be true. I'm done guys, just remember how miraculous life is.

My readers...

You guys will never know how much you inspire me. Because of my dedication to you all I keep moving forward, keep living my life. Because of you all I'm staying honest with myself and taking steps in the directions I want to go. This journey is far from over, and I'm glad you'll are along to enjoy the ride. I'm sure there will be more heartache, plenty more storms to come. But even if its just for today, I'm beyond grateful for all the support I've received from this blog. You guys are amazing, I'm amazing, life is amazing. It's gorgeous out today, got some fresh deer in the freezer and an amazing weekend ahead of me. I. Happy with myself, and y'all will never know how miraculous that feels. Enjoy your days, weekends, lives. Keep your heads up, stay positive, and no matter what - remember how miraculous life is :)

No.

You know what guys, I'm not dumb. I'm me. I'm 21 and I'm flying so high I can't feel my feet beneath me. I can laugh freely, especially at myself. Most days I'm responsible. I give with everything I've got. I'm beautiful, even with my face all messed up. My soul is beautiful. I'm a free bird. That's just part of me. I'm generous and kind, yes I can have a temper. When I laugh, I can feel the electricity coursing through me. Life. Energy. This is me. I'm amazing just the way I am. Yea, there are skeletons in my closet. But I wear my heart on my sleeve, you can look in my eyes and see every emotion I'm feeling right there on my face. I love me, just they way I am. Mistakes and all. I'm open and trusting, I'm loyal and dependable.  I attract people to me because I'm so open and free and REAL. I am me, and I'm not afraid to be me. I says what's on my mind, even when I shouldn't. I can be a lady but not even a second later roll around in the mud. I love laughter, I love life. And yea, it's complicated sometimes but that just makes me love it even more. If I'm honest with myself I'll tell you that I love the complications. I love the challenges in my life, they've just made me stronger, more beautiful. I'm aware of my strengths, I work on my weaknesses. There's a part of me that is so childlike it's humorous. Sometimes my abrasive ness comes on too strong, makes people wonder what I'm hiding. But I'm too honest to deceive them of anything. I am who I am. If I want something, I go for it. I'm not one to sit back and wait for life to come to me. I chase dreams, I fall in love when I know I shouldn't, I will forever be searching for something. It's a fact I'm coming to terms with. I'd say I've come to terms with it but I know it's something I'm going to continue to struggle with. And I'm okay with that. I'm not gorgeous, but I am pretty. People are often times more attracted to my personality than my body. I like it that way. I'm carefree, caring, at times completely irrational. But it's all part of what makes me who I am. And tonight, I'm at peace with myself. Lord it's a miraculous feeling :) now I'm going to go take me a bubble bath and marvel in the beauty of being such the strange woman I am.

Omg.

I'm frickin retarded guys. Let the stress get to me, went out for ladies night and got trashed beyond belief. The details of the evening will not be displayed on here, but memories were made. I also hurt my face/knee by being drunk and clumsy. Fell flat on my face. I now have a burn on my face from its contact with the wood and my knee is banged up pretty bad. I'm dumb. If you're young and reading this, don't do it! I'm usually very careful with how much I drink in public. Something came over me last night though and I just gave up control of myself. I'm not gonna lie, it was kind of liberating, much needed. I'm also not gonna lie, I was dumb. It's not safe to be like that in public, and yes I knew most everyone working that night, it was still a dumb thing to do. I'm paying for it today though. Anywho, done marveling over this ridiculousness. Recooperating tonight and remembering all that happened. I'll update more tomorrow :)

Poems :)

So I stumbled across a few of these, from way back when I was younger. Some are more recent. Figured I'd put them out there, some make me laugh and some still ring true.

1)
at the breaking point
beyond all recognition
but now you realize
that i know the lies
and i can't stand the pain
but i won't take defeat
i'll win you over
and throw you out
does that sound familiar
was that your plan
all through our story
how i hoped and dreamed
i threw my pennies
down the wishing well
oh, what a mistake
i was a fool to listen
as my heart skipped a beat
then i tripped on my feet
fell head over heels for you
with my feet way in the air
and my head in the clouds
i was a dreamin' fool
now what's there to do
there's no use crying anymore
no way, not over you
i'll make it to the top
i'll conquer the world
and no thing in my path will stop me
i will prevail.

2)
can't do this anymore
won't deal with this shit
i'm past the point of return
all the feelings locked up inside
and i had the only key
but see what happens
when i unleash the hell within
you can't do this
can't take my pain, anger, HATE
try as you may, you can't break me
i've kept in too long
let you add to it time and again
but now i'm full to the brim
and i'm ready to let go...
no more tears and anguish
late night fears
every last drop of emotion drained
see what i become
now that you've gone too far...

3)
It all seems so sudden
like we just happened to be here
in this moment of time
they say don't search for love
and it'll find you on it's own
but what if i'm not ready
and this is my calling day
i want to run free
always have, always will
yet somehow it seems like i'm stuck
in a never ending circle
love this one, forget that one
i don't wanna be this anymore
gonna take my time
decide what's right for me
bc that's what i'm living for now
just looking out for myself
so maybe you've got me hooked
but in the end i'll always run
that's why they call me a heartbreaker
and it's not that i intend to
it just sorta happens that way
i can't fall in love
it terrifies me to no end
so you scare the hell out of me
because you have the potential
to be something special............

4)
All at once
It's all going to waste
You look in the mirror
And see a strangers face
As the world comes crashing down
You realize she's not new
It's your worst enemy
Staring straight back at you...
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
What have we done today
Watching the end come crawling near
Look into that strangers eyes
As the world crumbles, oh my dear
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
Looking back at all the years
The tears fall gracefully
Memories of you and I
It was planned so carefully
And even in the brightest hour
You stood there by my side
Waiting for the perfect time
I never knew how well you could hide
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
What have we done today
Watching the end come crawling near
Look into that strangers eyes
As the world crumbles, oh my dear
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
I never knew that this could be
Thought it was all said and done
But you waited patiently
For me to draw you near
Thought I had left you in the past
Washed all our sins away
But you flipped the hour glass
Now you're haunting me again...
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
What have we done today
Watching the end come crawling near
Look into that strangers eyes
As the world crumbles, oh my dear
Oh what have we done today
Tried to push you away from here
Why can't I push you away from here...
Oh this silent misery...

5)
I'm stumbling through the dark
Trying to outrun my misery
Breathing in, screaming out
There's no one listening
Wanting to break away
Knowing the end is nowhere near
Yelling into the dark abyss
A place consumed by fear
They scratch and tear, but I won't bleed
I fall and stumble, but I won't break
Waking up, gasping for air
I realize I'm living my worst nightmare

6)
Finding myself wanting to drive for hours
Moving along, lost on old windy roads
Nowhere in mind, that I need to be
Just searching for something, maybe in me
As I travel along, my mind spinning wheels
Why is it, love, that I wonder where you are
I turn the key, move forward in motion
Gotta get somewhere, anywhere and fast
I know that I'm running, from myself I believe
Trying to outrun the simplest of memories
Oh, but they follow so very faithfully
So I take a break, marvel up at the stars
Losing myself in the music, the cool night air
I fall gracefully, a beautiful masterpiece
I'll never lose all that you inspired in me
I get back in, let my heart steer the car
And wonder of all wonders, I'm at your door
Would you let me in, just for a moment or two
Hear my dreams and beliefs, I would listen to you
I could heal the hurt you see relfected in my eyes
Breathe life into you as you do so for me
Let this passion catch fire, grow with the wind
Could you hold me like this, connect with my soul
Maybe it won't last forever, nothing is guaranteed
If I raise my hand and knock, though
Would you drive with me...endlessly

Today is yesterday's tomorrow.

So yesterday, I said "I'll be better tomorrow". That was a true statement. I've pulled myself together a bit after some sleep, okay a lot of it, and some peace in my day. I realize that I've been falling apart more frequently lately and I think it's time to share a few things with you all...brace yourself. Lol. 


My first and foremost concern right now is my Grandma. Her health has been slowly declining the past few years. Sunday was a complete nightmare for our entire family. I received a phone call from my uncle saying she had a heart attack and he couldn't reach my mother. Luckily, I have a friend that works with her and we were able to get the news to her. We all met at the hospital and I'm pretty sure that image will stick with me forever. They had her on a breathing machine. Tubes going everywhere, breathing for her, monitoring everything you could possibly monitor. A few times she woke up and tried getting out of bed so they had to continue sedating her and had her actually restrained to the bed. It was not easy for anyone up there. Then my uncle disappeared. We all went searching for him, and eventually I found him. He had found a little alcove and was sitting there by himself, lost in thought. As he looked up at me, my heart completely broke. Now, let me back track for a moment. Years ago my uncle met his soul mate. She was a beautiful woman inside and out. Her memory still inspires me to this day. One night she went to sleep with a head ache, and I'm not sure of all the details following, but passed away. They said she had a brain aneurism, which was caught in time, but a blood clot was not. Now my uncle, sitting in that little alcove, looked at me and said "all I could see was her laying there." I knelt down and hugged him and we fell apart together. He has always been my favorite uncle. Strong, giving, kind, funny, a steady support. He tucked my hair behind my ear, as always, and told me I'd never know how much I meant to him. To see him like that...to see him hurt so much, it was almost unbearable. As close as we are, I've seen him cry twice now. Once, when his beloved passed away, and then on Sunday. Here's the moral of the story though, and I apologize because this was all written much better the first time: our entire family is falling to pieces right now. But sitting there with my uncle reminded me of this, there are soul mates out there. And when you know, you'll know for the rest of your life, no doubt in your mind. 

Next subject...the actual issues going on with my Grandma, she's had several strokes, her kidneys are slowly failing, there's so may issues with her health that its impossible to name them all. And she's so damn stubborn. She refuses to do what she needs to do to be healthier. It's almost like she's giving up. The doctors were able to bring her back this time. But a lot of damage was done. They wanted to do a heart catheter to see exactly how much damage has been done to her heart and to see if there are any blood clots. The only problem is that if they do this she will need to be on dialysis for her kidneys. She refuses. So instead, they are going to do an alternative procedure to make sure her lungs are clear. I honestly have no idea what purpose that has, but it's what they've chosen to do. They said without the catheter she will continue to have strokes and heart attacks until, eventually, they will no longer be able to bring her back. This is the decision she has made. The other issue at hand is a living will. She doesn't believe she needs one, almost like she's in denial about the severity of the situation. If she doesn't have one and they have to put her back in the ICU, nobody will have any say in what the doctors choose to do, even if its against her will. Either way this goes, it's a matter of time before we lose her and all of the events of the past few days have made us realize this more than ever. For now, all we can do is appreciate the time we have with her and create as many memories as possible.

So, that's the main concern...now into the rest...my Dad. The other side of my family. The war that is raging between him and Momma and this whole situation. You all know about the divorce, or maybe you don't. I'm not sure at this point. Regardless, there is a divorce happening between them, it has been ugly, it has been hurtful, it has been more than strenuous on the entire family. We will all make it through, but right now there's more than that going on. Momma has four kids, I'm an "adopted" one because I found her when I found my Dad. There is one young lady (just turned 18 :), one preteen and the twins are stil kids in my book. Within the past few weeks, even though it feels like months, two of the girls stepped forward with claims of sexual abuse. An investigation is underway and they have been put through many psychological exams and a tremendous amount of stress. The whole family has been put under a tremendous amount of stress. Until a few days ago, my father knew nothing of the investigation. Now that he knows, I'm allowed to let you all know about it. Momma and the kids are safe, they have been in a sort of "protective custody" with different friends for quite some time, since word leaked of the investigation really. I do not know how my father is reacting to it, but only time will tell. I recieved a call from him the other day, but was with my Grandmother in the ICU. Just btw everyone, she's out of the ICU now but still on their floor. Anywho, I haven't found the strength to call him back yet. I'm still not really sure of how to handle all of this. Part of me wants to believe that it's not true. Too much is known by those little girls for it not to be though. The younger is just afraid, terrified to be completely honest. The older is more like I was after all of my past came out. She's sptting fire and mad as Hell. I see parts of myself in both of them and know that they will bounce back from this. I still have some issues going on because of it though. Mostly, I'm outraged. I spent 17 years of my life believing my Dad was a child molester. And when I found out the truth, that he wasn't my biological Dad, I went on a search to find him.
Pause. My Daddy is not to be confused with either of these men. My Daddy raised me and gave us all he had. He stood in where every other man in our lives had failed and he was a damn good man. My legal father was in prison during this time. He signed my birth certificate knowing I was not his. My biological father is the one I am talking about in this passage. Most people have Daddy issues because their Dad's left, I was blessed with multiple father figures in my life and I have learned from their good and bad.
This is part of a message I sent to my Momma yesterday while I had my little breakdown. "I'm so messed up about everything going on. For seventeen years I thought my Dad was a child molester. And then I met Daddy and I was so excited. I thought I had found a living father figure I could look up to. Someone to believe in, someone that would be there. And then he turned into a monster too." That's how I feel right now. There's still that little girl inside me hoping that this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. Truth is though, something inside me tells me I'm living/awake and it's all just begun...It's nothing I haven't been through before. I will be alright, I'm mostly worried about the girls. They've had their innocence stripped of them, their nightmares become reality, their whole world turned upside down. They've had their trust broken, which isn't easy to fix. The amount my heart aches for them is undescribable. And then Momma. Sweet sweet Momma. This has been more than a nightmare for her. As a parent myself I couldn't even begin to imagine what she is going through. She's had to sit there and listen to her children as they've told the workers of their nightmares. She's had to adjust from getting a divorce to pursuing charges against a monster. A man she loved, someone she cherished, has done this to her children. I know people had to calm me down from putting the bullet in the gun when I found out, and trust me I was close. I am extremely proud of how strong she has been through all of this. Not only has she been coping, she's also been there for her children and she's still been my Momma even when her problems are far bigger than mine.

At this point guys, I'm emoitionally exhausted. Never in my life has my soul felt as heavy as it does right now. There's a tremendous amount of sadness, anger, despair. But, there is still brightness there. Yesterday a friend sent me this message, "I know you, your ins and outs, the way you are. I know you've been neglecting your own needs for others. I know you haven't been taking time for yourself. I know you're falling to pieces and trying to be strong for everyone else. Take some time for you Sarah. Take some time to pamper yourself and to make sure you're okay. Becuase if you fall apart, who will be there for everyone else?" That message hit home with me more than you will ever know. So last night, I did just that. I came home from the hospital and put my precious baby to sleep, and I remembered the simple things. Too often in this life, the big picture consumes us and we forget the little moments that make life worthwhile. So I cleaned the tub, lit some candles, and soaked in a bubble bath. I shaved (which was much needed, let me tell you. This no shave November should NOT extend to females), I took my time washing my hair, took the time to pamper and revive my body. I massaged my shoulders, lotioned my skin, painted my nails, listened to good music. Then I slept for quite a while. A deep sleep I'm not used to. I woke up today feeling refreshed and remembering how good it feels to be a woman. The way you feel sexy with smooth legs sliding into jeans, the simple joy of putting on a little make-up and accentuating the features you love about yourself. How good it feels running a brush through your hair until every strand is silky smooth. I've even taken time to remember how joyous it is to be a mother. The smile on my boys face as we play, how snuggly he is after his nap as he whispers he loves me, how happy he is as he learns new things, and even now as he's jumping around saying "peacock" which is for some reason his new favorite word. I know that no matter what happens, we will spend as much time with my Grandma as possible and make as many new memories as we can. I know that my family, both sides, will pull through everything we're going through. I know that no matter what, no matter how many times I fall apart in the battles to come, I will stand back up. I will be stronger, more experienced, and better prepared for the next thing life throws at me. Yea, there's a lot going on, but I'm gonna be just fine. We all will. God doens't give you more than you can handle, and He doesn't use those that don't know suffering. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and somehow there will be good from all of this. For now though, I'm gonna go make dinner. And yes, I'm going to enjoy that too :)

Done trying for the night.

I just wrote all of this stuff out and it's gone. Completely deleted. Page didn't even save it like usual. I'm done right now. Maybe I'll retype it all later but for now I'm just gonna go cry and release my emotions that way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things. I'm sorry for not keeping you all updated, for slacking on my promise to myself. I'm sorry for everything going on with everyone. I'm sorry I've been selfish recently. I'm sorry I can't get my shit in check and be my usual self. I'm sorry that I've gotten a bit side tracked on this journey. Right now there's just too much. Too much all at once and not a thing I can do about any of it. They say its not about what's going on, it's about how you react. Well, right now I'm going to react very simply. I'm shutting it all out and I'm gonna have my self a good cry and possibly some sleep/rest. Screw retyping all that right now. Is just too much...I'm at that point where I can't deal with anymore. I can't provide any inspiration, I can't give you all any words of wisdom. I tried, and it all got erased. If you're reading this, know that I will be okay. For tonight though, I'm just gonna let the tears fall. At least nobody around will care if I shed a few :)

Where do I begin?

So much has happened the past few days, I honestly don't know where to begin. We'll start by saying that I'm not moving to my brothers. He doesn't know that yet, but I am gonna go get my stuff from there and move it back here. The people I live with have both told me that we can work through it all as friends, and I believe them. I'm safe here. And often times, with everything going on, I feel like they're my only family left. I know that this isn't true, but it's hard to explain. I feel like moving out to my brothers is a nightmare waiting to happen, and my instincts about things like that are generally spot on. I've been through too much to put myself, and more importantly my son, in that position. My baby is my everything, and I've somehow forgotten that a bit.
Anywho, went out with a friend last night. (We're gonna call you psych :) and had a blast. Got to hear their band, may post the name after I ask permission. They're good. They don't realize it yet, but there's so much potential there. After their band practice we drove around for a while and just talked about anything and everything. Also got lost finding Taco Bell because I'm directionally challenged :) It was a blast, much needed and I've missed my best friend more than I realized. Also, on to best friends. I have several best friends. They each fit into my life in different ways, they each have different qualities I love.
On to other things. I'm a mess. Absolute mess. But I'm beautiful. Messes can be beautiful and that is me. My life is a challenge, my life is a mess, my life is crazy, my life is sad, but my happy is also happy. It's my life. There is much going on, so much has happened. But I'm ending this on one note. Now, more than ever before, I just want to be me and explore what being me means.

Healing.

I don't really know what to say here. I mean, the title really says it all. My last post was hard to put out there. I've never shared so much. And that's not all my past. Most of the memories are locked away. My therapist once told me thy were buried. It was a coping mechanism to survive. Sometimes, they come back to the surface. Nightmares, flashbacks, etc. It's not easy to deal with but I have done research and came across this passage that has helped me through. "That which our minds and bodies have protected us from surface when we are able to handle it, even if we think the timing couldn't be worse and we will never survive the impact. The new, painful information and all that accompanies it allows us deeper insight into who we are and how we arrived where we find ourselves. That insight, the internal puzzle pieces as they fit together, carries us through the pain and confusion we feel and allows us to heal. The mind which protected you, once freed from that responsibility, will mend you.”  
When those memories resurface I remember that it is just me healing. I still seek help. I still seek support. But it is much easier to bear now. Plus, I'd much rather have flashbacks than have a multiple personality disorder. Just saying. My brain hid things instead of breaking apart to deal with what I went through. I've accepted this, and will continue to grow and heal as my soul sees fit. It is a process, no matter what you've been through. Healing is a continual part of life. Without experiencing bad, how can you appreciate the good. And I'm no longer talking about my specific life, I'm talking about life in general. It is a beautiful thing. If I have learned nothing else in my 21 years, it is this: it doesn't matter where you came from, what you've been through, or what you've done. All that matters is who you choose to be every moment of the present day. 
It's not always easy, I'll be the first to attest to that. Here's something I learned at a business seminar of all places. A man up on stage put one dollar in his hand and held it over the crowd. He made a fist around it. The he said "this dollar is your money, but it is also your heart. It is your pain, it is your joy, it is your life." From there several people tried to add dollars to his hand but they couldn't because his hand was fisted. Someone from the audience asked him why he was holding on so tightly to a dollar bill. This made him smile. "Good question," he said. "If I hold onto this dollar, if I hold on to only what I have. How can I receive more?" He then opened his hand and allowed the others to contribute to it. When all contributors had crossed the stage he began laughing. They had placed so many dollars in his outstretched hand that he could not hold them all. "My cup runneth over. I have more than I can hold. The rest is spilling over to those around me (meaning the audience). My dollar is still there. The foundation of my other wealth. Had I not opened my hand though, it would be all I still have. Instead, I have been given plenty to share." 
That demonstration has stuck with me through the years. Really think about it. I come from a past of pain. But it has built a foundation of compassion for others. Through learning to open up my heart, which is still an every day process, I have received so much love that I can share it with others. Yes, the pain is still there. It just makes me appreciate the beauty of everything else that much more though. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you begin to truly heal.

Forewarning: this will be ugly.

Some things have come to light recently and I think it's time for this to happen. This will be ugly, I will not proof read it, feel free to ask any questions.

The beginning: when I as four years old my legal father was sent to prison for molesting two of my brothers. I have memories from back then of him and my mother fighting. One of those memories is one of the nightmares I have at times. They were arguing, yelling and screaming, hitting. Mostly my Mom hitting him. She said he'd never see his kids again, hoped he rotted in Hell. All sorts of stuff. It was hard to witness. Anyways, we were in the car. It was one of those old Chevelle's with the green tint to the windshield. I remember her screaming and yelling, hysterical in her own right. She just kept hitting him, over and over and over. Then he struck back. Slammed her into the hood by her throat actually. She had bruises for weeks, the perfect print of his hands...

From there things got crazy. Brothers had to testify. He went to prison. Thirteen years. He'll live with what he did to them for the rest of his life though. What he did to our entire family.

Then my brothers...one was sent to live with his grandma. We saw him every other weekend. The other stayed with us. He got angry, abusive, completely out of control. On more than one occasion he put me and my mother through walls, left us bruised and broken, scarred us. Now let me pause here to say Clay, the man who raised me, tried to help in any way he could. He was diagnosed with cancer when I was still young. Went through a drinking spell. Actually, there was one day my brother had to push open the bathroom door so I could squeeze in and get the phone. Called my mother, thought Dad was dead. Turns out he had drank himself into a stupor and passed out in the bathroom floor. Anywho, after that he quit  drinking. The sickness got to him though. Eventually he was bed ridden. We got him out in the wheelchair a few times, but it wasn't many. Mostly he enjoyed his view from his window, jeopardy and wheel of fortune. And singing. Oh, he loved to sing. I would dance as he sang and we would fall into fits of laughter...the breathing treatments were the worst though. He would have enough to yell, just once. You've never felt true fear until you've had someone's life in your hands. One step too late, not strong enough to turn the wrench, can't get the air flowing and he's gone...thankfully, we always made it. He moved into his sisters towards the end. I'll never forget that day. My brother had been put in Ten Broeck. I had just gotten out of school, and we were going to pick I'm up. Afterwards we always went to see Dad. Well, that fateful day...Mom and brother got into an argument, he ripped the four in thick door from the hinges. He broke a table. It was bad. They almost didn't let him come with us, but he calmed down. We got to the house ten minutes too late. He was already gone. So peaceful, finally resting. That's a story for another day though. This leads us back to my brother. Things got way worse after Dad passed away. Wait, wait, moving too far ahead. Almost skipped the other years, and they're kind of vital to the heart of this whole message. Clay had a son that came to live with us for a while. We called him Junior. Now this part...this will not be easy. It started with him and my brother having their own club. They would put blankets over the bunk bed and leave me to take care of our younger sister. I wanted so bad to be a part of that club. I was too naive to realize it was a ploy. One day, my brother was gone and Junior asked me how bad I wanted to be part of that club. You can guess where it went from there. From then on the abuse continued. I won't go into major details, but I will share the most prominent memories.
I had always had this feeling in me that what was going on was wrong. But I was young and didn't want to get into trouble. I've already shared the day he threatened my little sister with a knife. There's more though...that day he used his knife to cut me. I have a scar on the inside of my thigh, one on my left breast, and one on my butthole. Yep, I said it. There it is. The scars have healed. I'm all normal now, but the mark remains. Once, he tied me to the bed because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do. That day he scarred my insides, which I didn't find out until I was literally giving birth to my child. They had to go in and manually break up the scar tissue around my cervix so I could dilate. It hurt, but my son is worth what I went through that day. Another time, he came in while I was in the shower. Daddy was sleeping after chemo, brother was at therapy. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think a lock would keep him out. That day I was thrown into the vanity and the tub before he did what he wanted to do. Still have back problems from it. Haha.
The worst was yet to come though. He got my brother into it to. I guess it was a game of who could push me farther? Not sure. Don't think I even want to know. Either way, it was a living nightmare. I remember once, and disgusting as it is I swore I'd share it all, my brother actually peed in my mouth. Disgusting right?
Now I'm done sharing all that. You all needed to know the background to understand what I'm about to explain. Oh wait, I haven't finished the rest. Z found out, saved me, Junior left. Brother wasn't allowed alone with me, I clung to Z for protection. Now, for those of you that don't know, Z is my cousin. He's my protector. He's the man I compare all others in my life too. Nobody will ever compare to him, but there are certain qualities I look for. That's besides the point though. Anywho, abuse got worse. Violence ensued. Through walls, hit with random objects, punched, etc etc. Brother was in and out of mental hospitals. Turned 18, left, the aftermath was put on me. When he left I was pinpointed for Hell, I was the only one left. I actually ended up being put in Juvi for a while because I had a "mental breakdown" and lost it. That day was horrible. Mother backhanded me with her pointy diamond ring (people wonder why I don't care for diamonds...) and I hit back. I am not proud of it, it is just part of my past.  I moved out shortly after.

And on to the rest...I have been through some things, others have been through worse. If you feel pity for me feel free to exit my life now. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. And when you survive you go through every emotion possible. The first and foremost is anger. Deep, deep anger. Hatred. Feeling betrayed, alone, used. Then you have guilt. You wonder what you did wrong, feel you deserve all you have been through, believe that you're worthless. Hopeless. Despair. Distraught. It's a dark dark place to be. BUT! If you can work through that, if you can make it through, there is hope. Sweet, beautiful, miraculous HOPE. It takes years and years, never really goes away. Life gets better though. You learn to trust again, to smile and laugh, to explore new things in life and fill the void the past has left. It is truly crazy. You have the option to become a slave to what you have been through, or to embrace what you have been through and help others learn from your experiences. I have chosen the second and I hope that is obvious. One reading this post will know why I have chosen to share this today. For you others, I pray that it touches your heart in some way. Wether it be to inspire, to give hope, anything. Know this. I was abused, I was hurt, I was broken. I'm still mending my life back together, years upon years later. But I have a heart full of love, a wisdom beyond my years, and a determination to make it through anything. You don't have to go through what I have to get those things. If I can have them, though, can't you? Can't anyone for that matter? There is good in this world. There is beauty, love, inspiration, unimaginable sights yet to be seen. Unimaginable love left to be felt. Unimaginable joy, just around the bend. Keep your hope, keep you purpose in mind. Life will move forward and with it, you will heal and learn to feel that joy. Now that may be the optimism in me. But, hey, optimism is one of my strengths :)

Side note! I swear, I'm going to bed after this.

I had an epiphany while smoking my last cigarette before bed. I've never explained the bipolar disorder thing. Let me take a moment to do this.

Bipolar disorder: I explained this once to my niece, I will explain it here the same way. Not because I think you all are stupid, she is quite intelligent. Only because it is easier to understand.
Your brain sends chemicals/hormones back and forth inside itself. In a normal brain, they absorb. In a bipolar brain, some do not. It is as simple as that. The hormones needed for emotional stability are not absorbed correctly and it causes issues.

Now. There are two different types of the disorder. One is Bipolar I and one is Bipolar II. Sock and amazement!

Bipolar I: this means manic episodes. Extreme euphoria, not drug induced. Extreme depression, again not drug induced. Triggers create the variables, cause the mood swings. You switch in the blink of an eye, for an undetermined amount of time. Intense rage, violence, blackouts, hysterical laughter, etc. these are all associated with the Bipolar I disorder. Clinical depression is a word often used. From Wikipedia: "At the lower levels of mania, such as hypomania, individuals may appear energetic and excitable. At a higher level, individuals may behave erratically and impulsively, often making poor decisions due to unrealistic ideas about the future, and may have great difficulty with sleep. At the highest level, individuals can show psychotic behavior, including violence. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These events are usually separated by periods of "normal"mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Severe manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations."
This I do not have. My brother does, and let me tell you it is not easy to manage. But it is controllable with therapy and proper medication.

Bipolar II: this means elongated mood changes. Depression is more common, it is also more intense. Not manic, not quick and over with. I mean long. There are also times of high energy. Bouncing off the walls, running everywhere. Just go, go, go. No sleep,  no food. Very productive, also very bad. Let me share this from Wikipedia. "Hypomania in bipolar II may manifest itself in disorganized racing thoughts, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, or all of the above combined. Because these agitated symptoms are negative, it may be difficult to distinguish a bipolar II hypomanic state from depression. Hypomania is often regarded as an elation of mood; however, mood may be negative in bipolar II hypomania. Mixed states and/or rapid cycling may also be present." Also, I will share these 'indicators':

Hypomanic episodes

• High energy levels
• Hedonistic mood
• Unrealistic optimism
• Mystical experiences
• Irritability and anger
• Automatic thoughts
• Maladaptive assumptions
• Hypersexuality

[edit]Depressive episodes

• Low energy levels
• Cessation of usual activities
• Black and white thinking
• Unrealistic pessimism
• Overgeneralization
• Automatic thoughts
• Maladaptive assumptions
• Dysfunctional personal schemas^[8]
• Thoughts of suicide
• Isolation from people

[edit]Relapse

In the case of a relapse, the following symptoms often occur and are considered early warning signs:^[9]

• Sleep disturbance: patient requires less sleep and does not feel tired
• Racing thoughts and/or speech
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Emotional intensity
• Spending more money than usual
• Binge behavior, including food, drugs, or alcohol
• Arguments with family members and friends
• Taking on many projects at once

People with bipolar disorder may develop alternate identities to match each mood they experience. For some, this is done intentionally, as a means by which to escape trauma or pain from a depressive period, or simply to better organize one's life by setting boundaries for one's perceptions and behaviors.^[10]



I have Bipolar II Disorder. I am not ashamed, it is part of who I am. I just wanted to distinguish the differences so people understand a little better. Also, not everything I do or say is because I am in an up or down phase, as I call them. Yes, this disorder is part of me. It does not define me though and I want to make that clear. So many people say, "oh, you're bipolar, I'm sorry". Well, I'm not. The general public has a really screwed up view of my disorder. I hope this helps at least one person understand. And no, this is not directed at anyone. Just a thought that crossed my mind, hence the title "Sidenote". Goodnight all :)

Oh my.

     

I'm not gonna lie, this day has been rough. Before I go into anything, I wanna tell you all a little funny story. One of the guys at work calls me Princessa. Now, the past few days he's been saying "Princessa, you okay? You've got sad eyes." If only he knew, right? Today though...today that damn broke and all my tears came out. Most inopportune time, mind you, I knew it'd happen that way. Anywho, today he goes "Princessa, you lie. You not okay. Mira aqui you're crying." Now I laughed, even though I WAS crying and said "nah, I'm still okay."

So here's the gist of it. I can't explain everything that happened today, but I can tell you how I've felt throughout it all. At first I was troubled, confused, a bit angry. I did a whole lot of crying, got a little bitter, snapped at a few people. Got into a huge argument with someone I don't generally argue with, and over silly stuff at that. The argument is what started the tears though to be honest. Ah well, it's said and done with and they needed to come out anyways. Anywho, then I was crying at work and everyone was asking me what was wrong. I didn't wanna say a whole lot, but I'd like to take a moment to say that I have some amazing coworkers that seriously helped me out tonight. I have never worked in a place with so many people that genuinely care. Then came more tears with a conversation I had. I knew it was coming, but I had still held out this hope that it wouldn't. What can I say? It's the optimist in me. But, it happened anyway. I revealed some things I probably shouldn't have. Felt like I was falling apart, got into it with karma a bit, sat outside and bawled my eyes out, avoided talking to anyone at all, etc etc. Got home, well its home for another day, and locked myself in the bathroom. Honestly, it was to avoid anything else from going on. I had enough on my plate already. I had had enough with LIFE. Sat in there and cried awhile, then decided to actually take a shower. Now, here's the funny thing about me and water. It has always soothed me, it has always helped me heal. So, when I'm dealing with more emotion than I can handle and when there's no rain for me to play in, I shower. Not my usual wash, rinse and out shower. I mean I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it and I let the sting numb the tears. I let the water wash away the emotion. I let the steam clear my head, much as a sauna clears sinuses, just without the mucous messiness. After my shower I said some things I probably shouldn't have said. They were true, but I still shouldn't have said them. Then I sat down and thought for a little bit, not too long mind you. Long thinking leads to negative thoughts. Long thinking is Los different than soul searching, just so you're all aware :)... I think my soul finally found the words it was trying so desperately to say. Who knows, hopefully it did. I guess we'll see as time goes. I just know that I felt a lot of relief after finding the words that rang truest to me. So I spoke them. Several people received some seriously long messages from me tonight. One in particular, the conversation started earlier, was the hardest for me to find words for. That's generally how t goes though, right?

This leads us back to my funny story from earlier. I was not lying when I said I'm okay. I'm a bit drained, sad, there may even be some bitterness in there. But I AM okay. Mixed in with all that negative is hope, relief, pure excitement for the release of old habits and the beginning of a new and better me. Also whole lot of sleepy tired. Though its not the emotion tired, its just plain ol' tired tired. I shouldn't really say new me either. I'm me, regardless. Just a more insightful, happier, better grounded me. Not new, just improved. Anywho! I will make it through all of these emotions, I will be alright. Life throws you curve balls, sometimes at the worst possible time. You've just gotta learn to bend and not break. And patience. Oh yes, patience. I'm learning :) there's a lot going on over here, everything is kind of chaotic. But it's life and its mine. I can't change a lot of the things going on, but I can decide how I will act and react. I'm stronger. Every single day that God blesses me with makes me stronger. There are tests, there are trials. Just remember: He will not use those He has not first put through suffering. Sounds horrible. Honestly though, how can you help others in suffering if you have never been through it yourself? Out of every storms comes a beautiful, freshly washed, nourished and stronger world. Out of every hardship I will be stronger, bolder, more beautiful, and more willing to go where I've never gone before. Is everyone ready? I am :)