Oh my.

     

I'm not gonna lie, this day has been rough. Before I go into anything, I wanna tell you all a little funny story. One of the guys at work calls me Princessa. Now, the past few days he's been saying "Princessa, you okay? You've got sad eyes." If only he knew, right? Today though...today that damn broke and all my tears came out. Most inopportune time, mind you, I knew it'd happen that way. Anywho, today he goes "Princessa, you lie. You not okay. Mira aqui you're crying." Now I laughed, even though I WAS crying and said "nah, I'm still okay."

So here's the gist of it. I can't explain everything that happened today, but I can tell you how I've felt throughout it all. At first I was troubled, confused, a bit angry. I did a whole lot of crying, got a little bitter, snapped at a few people. Got into a huge argument with someone I don't generally argue with, and over silly stuff at that. The argument is what started the tears though to be honest. Ah well, it's said and done with and they needed to come out anyways. Anywho, then I was crying at work and everyone was asking me what was wrong. I didn't wanna say a whole lot, but I'd like to take a moment to say that I have some amazing coworkers that seriously helped me out tonight. I have never worked in a place with so many people that genuinely care. Then came more tears with a conversation I had. I knew it was coming, but I had still held out this hope that it wouldn't. What can I say? It's the optimist in me. But, it happened anyway. I revealed some things I probably shouldn't have. Felt like I was falling apart, got into it with karma a bit, sat outside and bawled my eyes out, avoided talking to anyone at all, etc etc. Got home, well its home for another day, and locked myself in the bathroom. Honestly, it was to avoid anything else from going on. I had enough on my plate already. I had had enough with LIFE. Sat in there and cried awhile, then decided to actually take a shower. Now, here's the funny thing about me and water. It has always soothed me, it has always helped me heal. So, when I'm dealing with more emotion than I can handle and when there's no rain for me to play in, I shower. Not my usual wash, rinse and out shower. I mean I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it and I let the sting numb the tears. I let the water wash away the emotion. I let the steam clear my head, much as a sauna clears sinuses, just without the mucous messiness. After my shower I said some things I probably shouldn't have said. They were true, but I still shouldn't have said them. Then I sat down and thought for a little bit, not too long mind you. Long thinking leads to negative thoughts. Long thinking is Los different than soul searching, just so you're all aware :)... I think my soul finally found the words it was trying so desperately to say. Who knows, hopefully it did. I guess we'll see as time goes. I just know that I felt a lot of relief after finding the words that rang truest to me. So I spoke them. Several people received some seriously long messages from me tonight. One in particular, the conversation started earlier, was the hardest for me to find words for. That's generally how t goes though, right?

This leads us back to my funny story from earlier. I was not lying when I said I'm okay. I'm a bit drained, sad, there may even be some bitterness in there. But I AM okay. Mixed in with all that negative is hope, relief, pure excitement for the release of old habits and the beginning of a new and better me. Also whole lot of sleepy tired. Though its not the emotion tired, its just plain ol' tired tired. I shouldn't really say new me either. I'm me, regardless. Just a more insightful, happier, better grounded me. Not new, just improved. Anywho! I will make it through all of these emotions, I will be alright. Life throws you curve balls, sometimes at the worst possible time. You've just gotta learn to bend and not break. And patience. Oh yes, patience. I'm learning :) there's a lot going on over here, everything is kind of chaotic. But it's life and its mine. I can't change a lot of the things going on, but I can decide how I will act and react. I'm stronger. Every single day that God blesses me with makes me stronger. There are tests, there are trials. Just remember: He will not use those He has not first put through suffering. Sounds horrible. Honestly though, how can you help others in suffering if you have never been through it yourself? Out of every storms comes a beautiful, freshly washed, nourished and stronger world. Out of every hardship I will be stronger, bolder, more beautiful, and more willing to go where I've never gone before. Is everyone ready? I am :)