Goodbye.

Ladies and gentlemen I have decided this will be my last post on here. I know my past few posts have been a little bitter, but I promise I will be alright. See, sometimes you love someone so much that you are willing to give up a part of yourself to be with them. And that is where I am now. It hurts mostly. It's a little scary, especially to a former dreamer such as I. A wanderer that is now saying goodbye to the universe and hello to someone's heart. But you can take comfort in knowing there will always be a hand to hold. No sports practice or school play will ever be missed. And even when you are completely broken, that person will love each individual part. This journey was about falling in love with myself. And I did there for a while, fell in love with a part of myself. But I am giving that up with the prayer that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes you love someone else more than you love yourself. I guess that's the only kind of love that lasts forever. Some days I'm going to feel bitter, I'm going to wonder. And some days I'll look wistfully into the sunset looking for the magic I once thought I knew. But at the end of each day, I will lay my head down knowing someone is there for my forever. Because not all dreams come true. I think that's why God lets us sleep. Our dreams can be a comfort there and get us through the night. With that; sweet dreams everyone.

In love.

There's a feeling of magic just saying those words...and I've boiled it all down to that. My magic was being in love with the colors of the sunset, in love with the way the trees swayed in the passing air, in love with the stars spread across the sky like someone's canvas. I was in love with the belief that you could one day find someone that forever made you feel in love. But ladies and gentlemen. Is that reality? It was mine. I thought that would be my reality forever. But it's not the reality of the grown up world. There is still love. The sunset is still pretty. The trees still sway with the wind. But without the beauty of being in love with them this world almost seems hollow. I can learn to adapt though. I can still appreciate the beauty of this earth without being in love with it. Because that is the grown up worlds reality. And it's time for me to be a grown up girl...

Wow.

Y'all I'm gonna be alright. The little girl in me wants so bad for someone to say "no Sarah, you deserve that magic forever" and I sound like a miserable old bitch because that doesn't happen in reality. But I know the real world isn't all bad. It may not be all it's cracked up to be. When this bitterness passes though, I WILL be alright. I will move forward and find new ways to be happy other than a belief in something that isn't true. Boohoo, I can't be in love with someone forever. I can't hold on to that magic  The little girl in me may be dying. But a woman is growing, and she's a Strickland. Stricklands never back down. Even when this world tries to destroy everything they are. No. This Sarah will adapt and make herself find joy in things that are real.

Help.

I have lost all belief in my very own belief. Somehow I feel like in "growing up" I have failed myself. For so long, so many years, I had this dream to believe in. I would one day meet a man and first he would be my friend. But then that would inevitably turn into something more. Romantic walks on the beach, dancing in the living room, kisses that linger and butterflies that last forever. I guess you can say I was a hopeless romantic. And as time dredged on I knew that the dream wasn't perfect. There would be some fights, a few tears shed. But it would all come back to that magical feeling of love in the air. To me that magic wasn't about a happily ever after, it was about being in love forever. I met the soul crusher and felt that magic so overwhelmingly, I was so sure. He failed me there, when he decided to disappear. He crushed my every hope and dream. He tore apart my very soul, all the way down to the core. But I kept pushing forward with this silly belief in my head that I would find him out there. That man I could be in love with forever. I went through some pretty serious crazy little love stories there for a bit. Then this friend I had known for a while turned into something more. And when he hugged me I felt like a queen. He loved music and everything happy. His smile lit up a room. Nine months after meeting him and two months of dating later, the butterflies were still there. I took this as a sign. Maybe my dreams could come true. And there were some issues. He's quite a bit older than I am; still lives at home, doesn't know where he's going in his life. But I began to feel that magic once more. Now you all know, throughout everything Country Boy has been here for me. And on the night I ran into the soul crusher he was there. In the aftermath of what that did to me he has been here. I thought that soul crusher was my forever. All because of a silly belief that the kind of magic that makes you fall in love could last forever. I wasn't even in love with this friend turned more. But I could see it going there. If/when that magic ran out, where would I be? Crushed down to the core. Well, sir, I beat you to it. That magic does not last forever. I will not stand by and wait for you to break my heart. So I walked away. And God it was the hardest thing I've ever had to walk away from. It hurt. Here was the possibility of that dream coming true, but no guarantee. And on the other hand, here was this man in my life that has proven to me that he will always be here. So I walked away, straight back into what I knew could last forever. No matter how bad I want to be in love forever; it simply does not work. But I can love someone forever. And that has to be enough. When I'm old and grey, the light fades from my eyes and I'm sitting in a rocker on my front porch, I know he will be there. At that point there will be no physical strength for hugs that make you feel as if you're floating on air. Turning the living room into a ballroom will be too much effort. There will be no endearing moments to return that magic to my heart. No...but I know I will still have a hand to hold. Someone who loves me so much that he believes in that magic. Even if I can't anymore. He will wipe away the tears I shed, even as I break my own heart. He will have his magic that lasts forever. And me? I will have him to hold on to. It is not a fairytale. It is not a dream come true. It is a woman, making a decision to love him forever. It is the harsh reality of the matter. I will never leave him again. Because he offers something that dream of being in love never could. He offers security. Comfort in the world. And for this scared little girl, joining the big kid world, that has to be enough. The universe does not hold magic in it. I walked away from that belief, and the man that enabled me to dream so big I saw the world through rose colored glasses. He is not coming back. He is already moving forward. And I am too. I chose my future. At least I know I will be content there, secure, loved and cared for.

Love.

"...and above all things is love."

For those of you that know me personally, I'm going to ask you not to talk about this to others; only me. I hope that you can understand.

Today I am sad. Overwhelmingly so. Seeing the soul crusher again opened my eyes to reality. It made me think and use logic and listen to my heart. I left the guy I've been seeing for a couple months. Nothing went wrong. He's still wonderful. He taught me a lot. Most of it as my friend, some of it while we were more. I liked him. A lot. He's kind, caring and maybe a little immature. But he has a heart of gold. I left though because I know what I want from my life. I know where I want to go. My hopes, dreams, where I see myself in the future. He's not ready for all of that. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him. It simply means he's not ready. And maybe he would have been if I had given it time and let it grow. Maybe not. Regardless. I have someone in my life that is ready. That has been waiting for me. And a chance is more than what he deserves. He has stood by me through thick and thin, no matter how bad I have hurt him. It's not magic and fireworks and this perfect dream. But it is real. Of that I am certain. And while I may be sad now, I know I can be happy in the future. I'm going to struggle. I'm going to wonder. And he understands. You know; I never doubted what was between me and the guy I walked away from. And that made walking away hard. Even harder was seeing him so sad. Hearing in his voice the hurt. I don't know how to explain it to him. I'm tired of the unknown. With Country Boy I know he will always be there. He will always love me and do what is best for me and my baby. He will help me and be there. He understands my crazy and deals with it well. You know the crazy thing? The guy I walked away from? He doesn't understand (though he doesn't know my decision to go back to Country Boy) my reasons. It's all very logical really. And he's all about some logic. I know now that love isn't all about romance and magic and wonder. It's a decision every day. It's a lot of work. But I think it will be worth it. My heart says that that has to be enough. So I'm going to try. I'm going to be there. I am going to make this work because it's the right thing to do. It's something I know can last forever.

Jar of Hearts

"And it took so long just to feel alright, learning how to put back the light in my eyes."

This is my song tonight. See; I haven't been completely open with you all. Lately; I've been struggling. Thoughts about that man I believed to be my soulmate have been crossing my mind. And I had it perfectly planned out; what I would say to him should I ever see him again. I've planned it out while driving, sleeping, laying awake at night. I had a dream the other night. It came to this: "I will always believe you have part of my soul. Maybe in another life, another time, some different plane of the universe, we were meant to be. Everything in me says this is true. But here, in this time and place, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. For you to experience joy, love, laughter, and true happiness. I wanted you to let that inner part of your soul to shine through. Because I see it. I see you. The you that is swallowed in grief and misery and self hate. I see the you underneath. And you deserve those things I wanted for you to have so badly. Soulmate or not though, you don't deserve me. Not after the Hell you let me go through. You knew I loved you. Always talking about fate and the timing not being right and how you wish it was. Lies. Unfulfilled dreams you planted in my heart. Six months later; I've finally learned that. You used me just like you let her use you. I was your distraction from your own misery. I will no longer let you do that to me."

See. If he had wanted me I would have been there through and through. I never asked him to return the love I felt; though that would have been nice. No. I asked him simply not to disappear. And guess what he did? He chose to disappear. Dropped me like the nothing I was to him. But to me? He was everything. And when he left my soul shattered. I did some really stupid things after that. I naively texted him long messages, pouring out my heart. Even showed up drunk at his doorstep a time or two (or more...) And I know that I probably never crossed his mind as anything more than a nuisance. I cried uncontrollably. Went through the darkest depression of my life. Then something miraculous started happening. Piece by piece I started to feel at least half alive again. Yesterday I was more alive than I had been in a long time. I let my own soul shine through. Had a beautiful day at the park and then went to spend some time with friends. An old friend met us up at a local bar. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while. I turned to get a drink and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn't even have to turn around to know. I did though. I turned around. There he was. I'm sure the shock was evident on my face. Not a doubt there. He stood there and talked to my friend (we call him Tank) who happens to be his best friend. I walked away as quickly as I could. All those hours planning what to say, all those tears, all overcome by fear. What do you honestly say to a man who doesn't acknowledge your existence yet has a piece of your soul? What do you say when in a moment, an instance in time, a split second takes away months of hard work. Let's be honest here. He's my soulmate. I loved him from the moment our eyes met and I will love him forever. I could never say those things. I could never hurt him. Though the bitter part of me says he wouldn't care. I know better...so what do you do? I turned and ran. I hid from view; praying he wouldn't know I was there. A few minutes later I was going to the bathroom with my friend. I turned around to see where she had gone; glanced back for a second and there he was y'all. Right in front of me; moving in the opposite direction. He went right by me. Not a second glance, not even an acknowledgement. Nothing. Just like the nothing he left in the same spot as the missing part of my soul. Just nothing. Empty space. Tears, grief, desperation and irrational fear. In a single moment, my whole world came crashing down. Yet I managed to hold it together. My friend kept me distracted through the night. She was the only one that knew what was going on inside. Kept my focus on our table. I still felt him though. At one point I glanced up, and there he was. Plain view, across the bar. My heart says he was looking right back at me. He was looking at our mutual friend in all probability. Still. It made my heart sing. So now...I sit here tonight fighting the tears. Wishing he would contact me but knowing it won't happen. Ever. Ha...it's funny how life goes; right? I thought I was doing so good. Relocated, cut off all ties, avoid places with memories. Yea, I was doing great. But now? Where do I go from here? Part of me prays I never see him again. The hidden part of me wishes he was here.

I think.

Yes. I think that was handled pretty well. While not stress free the night was drama free and everyone had a blast! I haven't actually drank in a while so it was nice to cut loose a bit and unwind :) I feel like I should be asleep right now but I'm still enjoying the night air. Got to catch up with an old friend; hang out with current ones and just genuinely be myself. Yes; my dears; I would call this a successful evening. Well spent at that!

People.

I stopped in to see an old friend today. I've missed him a lot; especially this past year. As I sat there and talked about life and people and dreams this peace just came over me. Out of nowhere I was laughing and remembering old times. Memories of childhood games. We always hid together while playing hide and seek. Sat by the bonfire and sang at the top of our lungs to songs we didn't know the meaning to. He was my first kiss; in the woods behind my house sitting on a log. We had our own secret club back there. And the world didn't matter. It was the freedom of childhood; the best times of my childhood. We could hide away and laugh with reckless abandon. We played king of the castle and made up grand stories of our adventures. Climbed trees and plotted running away to some magical land. He knew all of my secrets and I knew his. During those years we became the best of friends, the kind that can go years without speaking and still have that connection. I remember when he left as kids. He was at my house late with his aunt. She was talking to my Mom. I had laid down for bed and he came in to say goodbye. I'll never forget the hall light slanting across his face. The sadness in his voice as he told me he was leaving. The look in his eyes and he stared at me that last night in our own magical kingdom. At the time I didn't know why he was so sad. He turned to leave and looked back at me. He said "I'll find you some day". The next day my mother dropped the bomb. His mother had taken him to Arizona. I never saw my Lee again. Then one night I had a nightmare. Woke up to a storm raging outside and as lightning flashed I saw his face pressed against my window. I screamed bloody murder; made my mother go search for him. She reassured me that he was still in Arizona and that he had changed; probably didn't even remember me. We had this conversation several times over the years. Well. Fastforward to last year when I met Country Boy. Turns out my Lee was his best friend. They call him Rabbit. And if ever you find yourself heading south on Gene Snyder you can stop in to meet him right before the New Lagrange exit. His cross is always there; can't miss it. He still managed to find me; in death and after all those years...

Hey there!

I know it's been a while and I apologize for that; just busy living life! Not having a job still sucks, but!, I'm staying positive. Job searching has almost become fun. There are so many opportunities out there and I know I'll find the right one here soon! It's definitely interesting to see all of the different companies and such. I almost sank into a depression there for a bit but I've been steadily fighting it and I think it's working! I can say that I'm very blessed to have had this happen at this time in my life where I'm not super stressing over bills. Past that, Grandma is doing pretty well. She's been home again a couple of weeks and seems to be healing well from her surgeries! I've immensely enjoyed the time with her and the extra time with my little big man. Even when he's being a turd he's still mine :-) now of course; there has been some drama. But I'm hoping that it has passed and I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I also want to take a moment to introduce you all to the guy I've sorta been dating. We started as friends and have known each other almost a year. We were talking once but I called it off. Second time around and we're just letting things flow naturally. Other than that I'm gonna hop off here and go back to job shopping :-)

Alright y'all...

I've had to work myself towards finally writing all of this. Honestly, I would rather write it in past tense; but it's happening now...I've been fighting depression since Sunday morning. See, Saturday night I lost my job. I've never really been fired before. I've quit, I've not gone back, I've moved on to better opportunities. I've never sat down with my boss and been fired. From a job I loved. Now I'm sitting here and wondering what I'm going to do. So many applications this week...and not a single call back. I'm hoping they'll start coming next week. If not I'll have to go back into food service. I enjoyed the extra time with my son. Plan on using my free time to get things done around the house. Feel completely useless while not generating an income...and I have an amazing support system. People here by me helping in any way they can. I'm the helper though. I can't help people when I'm helpless myself...I'm at a loss for words. I had it all together for a while. Is this a test? Haven't I sustained enough recently? I feel like all my hard work is going down the drain. I'm better than this. I want more. I had a plan. Now I have a theoretical one. Looks good on paper but reality looks bleak. I can't stand this...and I don't even feel like going into the rest...I think I need to get some actual rest.

Well then.

Lost my job yesterday. Grams has surgery in the morning, they haven't given us any details. I'm drinking. Exhaustion has set in. Guys...I have no job...my Grams has surgery...I'm more emotionally and mentally exhausted than I have been in forever...

My Universe

I'm angry with people today. My whole world has stopped. Everything came crashing to a halt when we brought Grandma back up here. But nobody else seems to care. The people I hold closest to my heart. Their lives are still going like a normal day. But mine? My day has been miserable. She won't eat, blood pressure is still sky high, dialysis port is infected, she has pneumonia, blood sugar high enough to put her in a diabetic coma. Need I say more? Yet those people who have said they'll be there aren't. They're out living their lives. They aren't sitting in a hospital room watching her every breath. They aren't praying with every fiber of their being that this isn't the end. They aren't meeting each new nurse with suspicion and hope. No ma'am, no sir. They're working, visiting other friends, going about their normal day. Who am I to blame them? Its not their Grandma. Its not their Uncle's tears to wipe away. Its not their mother taking turns at sleeping in a shitty hospital recliner chair. No...no this is my world. My universe. And it feels like its caving in around me. You can look in our eyes and all the unspoken fear is there. "Is this it?" "Has the end come near?" "Will she make it out this time?" "Why isn't she eating?" "Has she given up?" She just keeps telling us that she wants to go home. We say she has to eat to get better and she says she doesn't care. Nurses bustling in and out, questions hanging in the air. Its overwhelming despair. Its not like she's in ICU, we're only a little over 12 hrs here. Why haven't they got her blood pressure down? Why is her blood sugar so high? The questions go on and on...for now there is a bright spot. A friend is near. Taking time out of their crazy day to stop in for a bit. Life...in room 20 with the open door...

Fear.

That is the topic of the day. For multiple reasons. Mostly right now because we rushed my Grandma to the hospital again...BP is high, possibly pneumonia, they think her dialysis port is infected...need I say more? Here's to spending another night in a hospital chair...

Anger.

It's red hot, liquid fire
sweeping through  me like a knife
How could you do this to me
Walk away like I'm nothing to you
Is this what family means
when did you stop trying to care
I know the beasts in me
Never thought I'd see yours
Seriously though, I want to know
You said you'd always be there
Promised you'd always have an ear
But seasons change and people do too
You're not even my sister anymore
Just the shell of a woman I used to revere
 I once told a friend
that every ounce of good in me
Everything came from you
How wrong was I
Why didn't I see
That all the good I saw in you
Was really the good in me
I held you when you cried
Abandoned childhood without a shame
Helped you through when you were weak
Did you forget about me
Then through Times; my darkest year
Where the fuck were you my dear
Especially tonight as I sit so weak
Tonight your judging eye fell on me
Well screw your and your misery
I'll still come out the best I can be

All I've got today :)

Oh my goodness. I typed out all this stuff and the app foreclosed! Regardless, my point here is simple. I am me. I love myself; good and bad qualities. I don't care. People can judge me, lie about me, act like they care when they don't, be over protective, do whatever. I'm falling in love y'all. And this time its with the person I see in the mirror :) life is crazy, stressful, not quite where it should be. But I'm grateful for what I've got and I'm gonna keep my positive outlook. At the end of the day I know I've done my best and that's what matters :) I'm getting somewhere, and no obstacles are going to prevent me from getting there.

Its a new day.

So today I am going to talk to my husband/ex-husband/its all up in the air. Part of me is hoping that we can work things out. The other part of me is pretty sure he moved on a long time ago. Either way, it will be somewhat of an answer. I'm walking into this knowing that I know nothing at all. And I know that walking away, with either answer, I will be okay. See; before I have wondered if it would destroy me if he said no. The answer to that? No it will not. I am my own person. I do not depend on him for my own self support. Do I want him by my side? Simply answered; yes. But I now know that I will survive and grow no matter what happens during this conversation. I have made many mistakes in my life. Perhaps the worst has been believing I need someone else to see the good in me. I look in the mirror today and I still see my scars. But I also see my heart, my spirit. That, my friends, has been a goal all along. One that has finally been achieved. So...with all that being said; I will walk into this conversation knowing that God's will shall be done and the answers I receive are just exactly what I need to hear.

Claire.

Let me tell you all about life. See I'm kinda crazy in an out there, whimsical type of way. I love myself. I love everyone else. I honestly love every person I meet. Different ways to different degrees. Different kinds of love. And I've started to love myself. Its crazy. Because I spent my whole life loving everyone else. But I've never loved myself and now I sit here and I'm actually laying in my driveway and I'm looking up at the stars in the sky and the moon and beautiful view and all I can think of is I love myself like crazy. As I am. Out there; ups and downs, all around: it doesn't matter. I am who I am. You know something told me to watch the movie Elizabethtown and I did actually just finish watching it. And it made me think a lot. I relate to that movie like crazy. I mean if you've seen it, you see Claire in this movie and how in the universe she is; that's me. That is the very center of my soul, my being. I'm not like her specifically. But the way she is with reckless abandon, that freedom. And on top of that; not just the recklessness, not just the freedom but its her ability to keep going no matter what. With the prettiest smile even through the worst of situations, to continue moving forward and find creative ways to keep going and not lose yourself in the process. I've lost myself in the process. I've lost myself with people; I lost myself in jobs. Like everything you go through; it keeps this little bit of your soul with it. It takes a little bit of your heart and your being and who you are and changes it or molds it or just keeps it and you have to constantly, constantly be building yourself up. You have to constantly be replacing those parts and gaining new insight. Trying new things. I want to be that person. I want to gain and grow and keep moving and molding myself into the best person I can be. That free spirit that no matter what, smiles and loves and cares. I mean in this movie you don't even see her background. You don't know where she came from; what she's been through; any of that. But you know that she is beautiful on the inside and the outside. You know that she is wonderful and I see that and I connect with it on this deeper level, like I've never connected with anything before and it's crazy to see that. To watch that and you know that that's kind of how you are inside. To know: hey that's how my heart is. That's how my soul is and here it is protrayed beautifully; with the good and the bad. And the purpose of a smile. She doesn't even show it. She's just; she shows it for a little bit and she just pulled it back in and I've done that my whole life but then she does this wonderful act and she; she changes it. Like she thinks about it and she puts action behind her thoughts and she comes out on top. I mean she comes out a winner and who knows how the story goes after that but the fact is she keeps going and she keeps going with a smile and with love and with the longing and with a purpose in life. She doesn't even know what her purpose is but she's going. She's doing it. She knows she'll figure it out someday. She knows that someday she is going to be like "this is my purpose". I just snapped in case you couldn't hear that because you can't even though I'm talking into my phone. I'm at a loss for words here to describe the way I feel right now or the momentum I feel inside. I have changed so much over these past couple of years. So much has happened. I mean think about it: 3 years ago I had a kid and then all the sudden we were married. I mean we went from not being in a relationship. We were not in a relationship; we were friends with benefits. There I said it. We were friends with benefits and then BAM I'm having a baby and we're together and then we're getting married and we think that it's going to solve everything happily ever after and then all the sudden we're both making huge huge mistakes that you can never take back. Even with forgiveness; even with every ounce of love in the world; you cannot take back that kind of pain and that kind of hurt. We did that to each other. We created a Miracle together; which I mean God created it; but like together we formed an act of love and passion that created a Child and we still raise him and yeah we're not together anymore. Its crazy cause I think back on that like "who was I, what was I doing? I wasn't living for me".  I was living for the rest of the world as I always do. But then, something changed in me and something changed in him and we weren't together anymore. We both thought about it; we both thought of us getting back together with these overwhelming urges to make things right to be with each other because we do have that connection. We have a child I mean exactly the kind of love that nobody can understand except a parent and then we were divorced or separated and I went to where I didn't want to meet anyone; I just wanted friends with benefits again you know and it was at the feeling it was completely unfulfilling. It was just allowing myself to be used for other peoples pleasure instead of going out and doing what I need to do to make me OK again. I just covered it up. I did it with a smile. It was so self destructive it was crazy and then I watch this movie and I see her and she does the self destructive stuff but then she's still okay with herself. I've always felt wrong for still being OK with myself. Then I meet Country Boy and all the sudden we're together and were happy and we're talking about forever and it was just so crazy and overwhelming and it was real but it was so fast and I wasn't ready. I was not ready. I cannot function properly in a relationship because I could not function properly on my own. Honestly I still can't function properly on my own. I'm still figuring it out and I have no idea how long that's going to take but I'm finally ready. And then dear lord the guy I called love l; he came back into my life and everything went to s*** and then he destroyed my heart. I let him take a piece of my soul with him. That weighs heavy on me. Hr took a piece of my soul with him. I can never get that back. I can only replace it with better things. Which maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe that was supposed to happen. I don't know but it's so crazy to think that all this happened. I decide to be on my own again. Then I meet this guy and he seems wonderful and everything at first. I'm going to take time for myself, I'm going to get my stuff together; I'm going to learn how to live on my own. Then all the sudden we were in this serious relationship and then things went downhill fast. Faster than they ever have before and it went crazy and I mean like I was...I don't even know how to explain how I was there. I was sitting in shock like oh my god this is happening. And then we break up and all and it's insane; its a mess. I start putting myself back together and I keep thinking everything happens for reason because now I'm finally in the spot where I'm understanding myself and I'm coming to terms with the way I am and why I am the way I am. And the more I figure out why I am the way I am the more I understand about myself the better I am. That's really it. That's it isn't it? Understanding yourself because if you can't understand yourself, if you cannot love yourself for who you are, how the hell is anyone else going to love you for who you are? I mean think about it really. If you can't look in the mirror and know who you are and what you want out of life and where you're going (you don't even have to know where you're going) but you know who you are. To understand yourself inside and out (and that is possible). If you cannot do that; how can anyone really love you? Now people may think they see you as you are. But they see a piece of themselves or who they want to be: in you. If you see a piece of you, who you want to be as a person (and I noticed I do that and it may not be everyone but I do it and I know I do it). So tell me how if you can't look in the mirror and be comfortable with you, who you are as a whole; good, bad, ups, downs, all around...it doesn't matter. If you can't be okay with your self, how can someone else truly love you? More than that: how can you truly on that deeper connection love someone? Only once in my life have I loved someone I met on that deeper connection and it was when I started this journey and began connecting with myself. Then he left and took a piece of my soul with him and what was I left with other than a lesson learned? I guess what I'm trying to say is just that you have to be full person before you can love a whole other person. This Claire reminded me of that and reminded me of who I am and what I'm doing here.

Nervous.

I see the doctor today. For about a month now I've only been able to eat soup and Alfredo. Anything else, like my French Toast this morning, is lost. I'm nervous because I know something is wrong. This is not like me. I love food and miss being able to enjoy it instead of being afraid to eat. I hid it for a while, thinking it would pass. It caught up to me at work though. Heres to praying the doctor can figure it out...

This is me.

This is me. Sitting in a bubble bath. This is me. Listening to great music. This is me. Breathing steadily. Its me wondering how I got here. Wondering where to go. Its me being lonely. Refusing to shed a tear. This is me remembering. What it was like with you. What I want from life. The dreams and plans I've set aside for far too long. Its me believing, trying, striving for something more. This is me looking in the mirror and for once being proud of those scars. Screw where they came from. They're here and never going away. This is me realizing that its All part of me. Not just the good, but the bad as well. Who has the right to judge me? Not you. See; this is me. I've been through Hell. I came out alive. No. No; better than that. I came out free, true, believing, naive in my own right, caring, quiet at times but louder than you'll ever know. I came out my own person. Not the shell of what was. Not the beginnings of what will be. I came out free. I know who I am. And I may stumble from time to time. I may not always be the wisest, or the best, or the prettiest. But really, who cares. See, here's the difference between you and me. I lay my head down each night and I may cry, or over think every little thing, or silently apologize for my wrongs of the day. Just like you. But this is me. And I lay my head down knowing that I've done my best. I may have a temper. Okay lets face it, I have an attitude problem at times. I may not always be there when someone needs me. The cleaning may not be done or the laundry not put away. But I try. This is me. And I think I'm worth it. Even at my lowest I'm worth it. Because I try. This is me realizing that I've spent my whole life trying to be worth it to others. This is me realizing that I've never been enough for me. This is me realizing how I got here. This is me remembering lessons learned. This is me realizing I can have all the knowledge in the world but have the ability to still be stupid. And I think this may be the point of everything; right? Who cares how much you know? You'll never get anywhere unless you do. Action. Putting lessons learned to use. This is me remembering a conversation with a dear friend. He said "you're just so up and down; here and there. I couldn't help but think 'Can I deal with this?' You never know what to expect with you. One day you're great and the next you're mad at the world then two seconds later you're crying. I mean, how does one deal with that?" This is me knowing its true. This is me realizing that I've spent so long trying to make others happy that I've often become a reflection of what I'm around. This is me taking action and placing that 'grounding factor' in myself. This is me knowing that its hard to break habits. This is me determined. I am who I am, I can be anything I want to be. This is me; wanting to be me.

Have You Ever

Just wanted to be alone? In a world as cruel as this...I still see the beauty in this world. But for the first time in my life I want to be truly alone. Nobody there to guide me; or catch me if I fall. I want me to be me and you to be you and I'll be alright if I never see you again at all. Does this make sense to you? Does it even make sense to me? No is the answer that is true. Then maybe again; no is the answer to it all. You forgive me. I forgive you. So why am I still so blue?

Cancer

I watched my Daddy die of cancer. And laying here today I understand his pain. See, having a past such as mine is like having cancer. It eats you alive, consumes you, tries to take over your body, your mind. It leaves you sick. Literally. Exjausted, nauseous, aching. BUT. Having friends is like chemo. It makes you sick to talk about it. And you never know if it's really truly helping. But you LIVE for the belief that it is. And you'll nevver really be healed. But there are moments of remission; where you're healthy and alive and full of life. Those are the moments I live for.

Can't decide if I like it. Feedback?

You don't know my struggles
Don't know my pain
Or the tears
I've cried through the years
You haven't seen my heart ache
Don't know it's scars
Or the fears
It still holds so dear
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
You weren't there as I cried
Trying to sleep at night
Didn't watch as I died
A little more each time
Have no idea
The demons I face inside
The dreams I hide
Terrified of what went down
Don't make me remember anymore
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
How could I ever explain it to you
Understand me if you will
After all Ive been through
See what's broken in me
I never meant to do this to you
But now we're here
There's nowhere to run
I can't live behind these lies
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall
I came crashing through the atmosphere
Trying to hold you
Oh so near, my dear
But this wasn't meant to be
Not how this story should unfold
I'm so angry, I'm so torn
You're face is full of scorn
Yet you'll never see me shed a tear
And who are you to tell me
That I've never loved at all
Who are you to judge me
When you've never seen me fall

Beauty

A moment ago I stood outside, just looking and soaking in the world. The puppy has eaten and I had just finished feeding the pig, still in my flowy polka dot dress of yesterday. It was warm with a cool breeze, dogs barking in the background, traffic flowing on the road by the drive. But as I stood there it was as if the world seemed still. Maybe just my world was pausing for a moment. Either way, it was breathtakingly beautiful. The way the wind played with my hair, the memory of my sisters laughter as "tree worms" fell from the branches, the children's toys waiting to be picked up in the too-high grass, the peace I felt at heart...yes, my friends, today will be a good day.

It's me again Margaret...

Tehehe (I bet very few of you all will get that reference. Ray Stevens song.)

Well then...I've thought so much recently I don't even know what to think anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I want to hide from the world. I want to stop being so afraid of myself that I hide behind everything else in my life instead of dealing with myself. I already know all the answers. Hell, I've even written them. Here. In this very blog. Not too long ago. I'm just too afraid to use them. T I have to. I need to. Things are just going further and further south and I don't want that. My heart broke today. I've been crying and rambling and trying to figure out what to do, no my son has witnessed it all. But then I had some small break through and I knelt down to give him a hug. He says, "there you are Mommy, where did you go?" I said "I'm right here, have been all day". He then proceeded to tell me that I hadn't been there and he was giving me another hug since I was back. Made me realize how distant I am from my own child. It has to stop. There has to be something. I HAVE to figure out how to deal with my issues. It can't go on like this. The cycles, the tears, the hurt, the ignoring things when they're right there in your face, the distractions that only work temporarily. The hurt I saw in my little boys eyes as I told him I couldn't play baseball today bc I was too tired. He means everything to me. I have to make a change for him. And it won't be drastic. I won't be right away. I accept this though I don't like it. I'm so afraid of what I might find if I actually a face my own demons and fears. I'm afraid of my own strength. I'm afraid of the image I see when I stare into my own eyes in the mirror. There are these random moments when everything is alright and I live for those. Bt I need to start working on myself and stop hiding behind fear. I can't continue on like this. I've reached that edge, the precipice. I'm either gonna jump or fall flat on my ass but I'd better damn well do something. I need to do something...

Success

So I'm in a truck. Right now. Windows down, hair blowing in the wind, peace. Peace in my heart. I'm laughing and I'm singing at the top of my lungs. I'm wearing a dress that screams Sarah, all the way down to my core. I'm beautiful. I'm free. I'm throwing so much postive into this universe it doesn't know what to do with me. I'm shining through.  We're on our way to Newport in case you were wondering. More importantly. I'm me. And this is one of those random beautiful, surreal, gorgeous, breathtakingly, makes your heart ache  moments that make life worth living. There's not a word or any combination of words that can describe this.  My spirit is lifted, worries tossed away with reckless abandon. I am me. You are you. We are we. Life is not merely beautiful. It is simply, amazingly, sweetly, gorgeous. No words can compare. This is not an up-phase. This. This IS me. :-)

Yep.

http://www.taylorcountydetention.com/Taylor_inmatelist.html      Roy W Spencer. My biological father. This is what I come from. This is not who I am. Nor will it ever be. Disgusting monsyruous piece of shit. Yet he's still my father. Someone deal with these emotions for me...

Understanding.

I had lunch today with my husband. We were there way longer than we expected today and it was almost bittersweet. We talked of Anakin; his schooling, behavior, potty training, etc.. Then we moved on to other matters. I don't know whether to feel sad or relieved or happy to be honest. We discussed us, the things that happened, and caught up on life. I'm actually very proud of him right now. He's becoming the man I always new he could be. Following his dreams, happy, more involved in the church, an amazing Dad (as always). Life is a bit funny that way; isn't it? I believe he is going to continue growing and will one day find the woman of his dreams. Yes, that means we are going through with the divorce. Turns out we both had those overwhelming feelings of needing to fix things, to make them right. But as the days passed those faded and settled into a different emotion entirely. I think divorce is harder when you still love and respect the other person. Our love is a different kind though. I would go to the ends of the earth for him, be there as a shoulder to lean on, defend him from any harm. I know he would do the same for me. As I gave him a hug today leaving lunch, I realized this. As that song plays in my head; we are learning to love again. It's just a different kind of love. We are parents. Bonded for eternity. We respect each other and have forgiven each other for the Hell we out ourselves through. We also remember the good and choose those memories to hold on to. I believe that there will always be a calm quiet love between us, but one more of a partnership than of a spouse. We connected on a deeper level the moment our son was born, but that connection is best served in raising our child rather than trying our hardest to change who we are in the name of love. Yes...today was bittersweet. We have chosen to continue having lunch once a month so we can stay on the same page raising our child, our next meeting will actually be filling out the divorce papers together. Odd, right? We came into this together and we'll leave it together. Figuring that out was definitely a moment of closure for us both.

I'd like to go a little more in depth with you all about my dream. Today I realized that to give up on it would be to give up a part of me. I am a peaceful person at heart. I want nothing more than to help others and to leave my small mark on this world. I want a home filled with love and laughter and the basic fundamentals of this earth. Respect. Love. Laughter. Companionship. Lessons learned. Room to grow. When I pass away I want people to remember a woman filled with love and joy to be alive. A random smile really can make someone's day, ya know? I accept the world with open arms and a warm embrace. That is how I want to be remembered. That is what my dream is based upon. Freedom from the darkness in this world. I want my bay window to let the light in. To teach my children to appreciate nature. To show them there is beauty, even if they feel trapped in a world so cruel. A way to see outside of the box I suppose. Look for the silver lining. And my kitchen so they know what good soul food is. A home cooked meal is hard to come by these days apparently. I want land and horses to teach them to be at one with their surroundings, to trust even when there are communication barriers or a difference between two living souls. I want land to teach them not everything has to be about the future. Our ancestors didn't have what we have. They lived a simple life, made mud patties and worked hard to earn their keep. That is what I want my children to know. They had Faith through rough seasons and kept working from sun up to sun down. It was hard work, but it was also rewarding. I want my children to know THAT kind of reward. I want a home full of unconditional love so they can learn forgiveness, have the space to make their own mistakes, and know that they will always be welcomed back with open arms. Because THAT is what family means. They will have chores and discipline and sweet lemonade; because nothing beats yummy lemonade on a hot day. I could go on all day. I think this will suffice though.

Also

I forgot to mention RW. It was released today that he has been indicted on 72 counts of child molestation, 4 counts of incest and Idk how many charges over the stolen/forged checks. He has yet to be arrested, they can't find him.  He has threatened the lives of my Momma and the kids. My Mom is coming home to take care of Grandma here soon. Today we ride. I need my Momma and I have a feeling she needs me. The amount of support from my Mom and Momma is overwhelmingly sweet.

Marriage.

Let me share a few things with you all about marriage. It's a vow, a promise. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, to protect each other, to love each other, to give it all you've got and then some. It's a promise to never give up, even when the going gets tough. But it's even more than that. It's giving someone a piece of your soul and trusting them to fill that void with a piece of their own. It's angry nights staying up all hours so you don't go to bed fighting. It's complete honesty. It's facing fear of the unknown, learning someone's darkest secrets, learning things about yourself and working on them to create a better future. It's giving someone the ability to crush your very soul and then having complete faith that they won't. It's the thing God himself created for us, so we could have someone to show us His love as much as humanly possible. It's understanding, compassion, passion, faith, love, trust, unconditional. Unconditional. It's choosing to be with someone, ONE PERSON, for the rest of your life. No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. It's working through doubts, it's making it through struggles, it's denying the odds. Marriage is the ability to wake up every day next to the same person and love them even more than the day before. It is not lust or a fiery passion. It is a simple, steady kind of love that says "I'm still here with you". It is the ability to love them wholeheartedly; no matter what you see when you look into their soul. I wrote this once when discussing love with a friend...

"Love is a many splendid thing. Haha, sorry, Moulin Rouge quote.

To me love is ever changing. Always present but never the same. Its being able to look at someone and see them for who they are. We all put up fronts, wear masks, act different around different people. Loving someone means you can see to the bottom of their soul. Insecurities wrapped up in emotion, dreams long forgotten or born anew, skeletons in the closet, quirks and all. Love is seeing all of that and still feeling an overwhelming sense of joy radiating from your heart, because along with the "bad" you can see the good. The effort put into every day, the smiles that are true, the little things that make you laugh. Love is seeing part of yourself reflected in someone else. Wanting to help someone grow, be a shoulder to lean on, a friend to laugh with and do silly things nobody else would understand. Its wanting someone next to you that makes you feel comfortable whether you're crying or shouting from the rooftops. I mean honestly, what it all boils down to is how someone makes you feel and wanting with every fiber of your being to make them feel the same."

With all of that being said I want to discuss my marriage, and pending divorce, with my husband. Most days I refer to him as my ex-husband, seeing as how we've been separated for a year and a half. I loved him that much, or rather, the idea in my head of who he could be. We married young, but we were determined. Then the hard times came. We started arguing all the time, our intimate time became discussions of bills and our son and our problems and anything else negative you could imagine. We were not growing, we were failing. Miserably. There were things from the past I wouldn't let go, there were things in the present he chose to ignore. I was mean and so was he. Any time we were in the same room all defenses were raised. There was no security, no sense of belonging like there should have been. And I blame that on myself mostly. We both used work as a refuge. I was always so worried there was someone else or that he hadn't gotten over his ex-fiancé. I was always so worried I wasn't good enough. And so I put that off on him and made him feel as if he wasn't enough. I never meant to. Didn't even realize I was doing it until the day he left. And I'll never forget that day. The look in his eyes. The remorse, the sadness. And he looked at me right before he left. He said "you never loved me. You loved who you thought I could be". And he was right. Now lets get one thing straight. Him leaving was my fault. See, I met this friend at work. It started innocent. We were both having issues in our marriages and thought we could come together and help the other out. It didn't end innocent. At two am I came home and found that my husband had been out looking for me. That night I had let a man who wasn't my husband kiss me. Looking back I realize that I thought that was my only way out of my self made misery. Little did I know, it would only lead to more. The look in my husbands eyes as I had told him what I had done will forever haunt me. Forever. Yet he still wanted to make things work. Bt I couldn't forgive myself. I couldn't allow him to forgive me. I had turned my back on our vows, and in turn I had turned my back on him. So we separated. The news spread like wildfire and I hid from the world in my own little shell. I started going by my maiden name again and almost convinced myself that I had never loved him enough to marry him. It was like I was just trying erase our marriage, like it never existed. As the time passed I believed that I had made the right decision. I went to him once and asked him to come home. His response broke my heart. He said "I don't know if I could do that. I'll always wonder who is next, if there will be another". I crawled back home and swore 'never again'. Then I quickly jumped into another relationship and it lasted a while until my heart took over. I focused the emotions on another person (love) but even then thoughts of my husband creeped in every day. The relationship I was in ended. That was my doings. The night things went really bad my husband is actually the one who came and got me. I remember sitting in his room bawling my eyes out saying "I wasn't ready. I wasn't over you". And he wrapped his arms around me and said "stay strong, you'll figure it out, you always do". So I moved back home. Started helping take care of my Grandma, met some people, started to regain a glimpse of who I am. And there have been many many nights I have sat here and thought of my marriage. The mistakes we both made, the things I have shared here and so much more. And over time and review of our marriage I realized that to this day I love my husband for who he his, for who he was, and for who he is growing into. All at once. Not just one, but all three. In February we were officially married a full year, though we were only together for seven of those months. That night it hit me hard. Then Anakin's birthday came along and I got a message saying "Just wanted to thank you for Anakin. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sorry things are the way they are and we can't enjoy these moments together." I cried harder than I've ever cried before. Two days later I asked my own husband for a date. Just a date, but a real one. A chance to see if things really could work. A chance to see if we hadn't finished the divorce because of procrastination or a chance to see if we could really be together. He said he needed to think about it and that he would get back to me. A month later I hadn't heard anything about it. Like it had never happened. So when I met a guy through a friend and he asked me out on a date, I said yes for the first time in a while. I was honest with him from the start and let him know what was going on and he has been wonderful about giving me my space to figure things out while being an amazing man all at once. He has known from the start how I feel and he has taken it all in stride. Until today. This was the day I was finally saying 'enough'. I didn't want to flip flop back and forth. I didn't want to second guess my every move. I didn't want this pain anymore. This sense of failure hanging over me like a cloud. I feel like I've failed everyone. Me, my husband, our son, God, the people that had come to know us as a couple, those who took inspiration in our story. I just wanted closure. So I did the only thing I knew I could do. The only answer I had left. I went and picked up a new divorce packet and began filling it out. Then I left for work. Every Monday my husband calls to see when I will be getting off work and picking up my son. Today he asked if Wednesday would be a good day to have lunch and talk about our son (not an unusual thing). He will be starting school in August and we need to figure everything out. Today though, there was an extra request. He asked if we could have time to talk about Anakin and to just talk. I agreed. The sadness in his tone worried me, but I put it off as him having a long day. So I went to work and then went to get my son. We were standing outside chit chatting, as per usual, when he said something that made me stop in my tracks. The conversation goes as follows:
*Anakin making one of his many angry faces*
"Haha, that's Daddy's angry face"
"Nah, how would you know"
"We'll I was with you for three years and I can be pretty infuriating at times"
"Yea, but I still love you" *kisses me on forehead*

I've barely stopped crying since pulling out of his drive. One year and six months. One year and six months since I have heard those words from him. Today of all days. Is it a sign? Was it an "I love you" as one would tell a friend? Was it hope? For me it was hope. That hope I had buried so deep, trying to forget it existed. I told the guy I've been dating. He's having a rough time with it and understandably so. I don't know what to do here. Here is a guy who wants to start a new beginning with me. Here is my husband, whom I love unconditionally. I know without a doubt in my heart what I want. What I have hope for. But will it happen? I'd throw everything away. I'd start over new, just for you. I would do everything in my power, just to see us through. Would you do it to? Do you still love me as I so desperately want you to? If not, I'll put my big girl panties on and move forward. I'll have the closure I need. But if you do. Oh, if you do. I vow to you that I will never make the same mistakes over. I will be everything I can be. Just for you. You alone. One person. One man. One soul on this earth that I gave that promise to. There is a song called 'Just Give Me A Reason' by P¡nk and Nate Ruess. It has been on my phone since first hearing it. It has been on repeat since those words. Please, give me a reason. It's all meaningless without you and I don't want to find meaning without you. I will if I have to. I know I'm strong enough to. But I don't want to. And this battle within is unfair to everyone involved. I'm being selfish. I know that. I love you enough to start over. To be with you forever. I also love you enough to let you go if that is what you need. Just know that I need you. And it's like never before. Once, I loved you because I needed you. Now, I need you because I love you. I only hope that I didn't realize that too late...

Apparently never posted this. It's from a couple of weeks ago.

Lets see how random this gets. Lol.

Questions in my head:
Will I always worry this much?
Are women really so worried about their weight that they don't like food?
Am I always going to feel like there's this empty space in my heart?
Is my journey a success so far?
Will my boy be proud of me when he grows up?
Can friendship really last forever?
Why have a I had to frickin pee so much lately?
*sidenote: no possibility of pregnancy, I promise.*
Will someone create an invention that shows you how other people see you?
Will I ever feel good about myself for an extended period of time?
Does dealing with the ups and downs of being bipolar very get easier?
Why is Law&Order so addicting?
Could my baby boy ever be any cuter?!
Will someone make me chocolate milk?
Nope...so is it worth getting up to go get it?
What does this boy want with me?
Why is he so sweet?
How can someone treat me so well without me returning those feelings/emotions/etc?
Does he truly understand I can't handle any kind of a relationship right now?
Will I ever conquer my fear?
Is that chocolate milk worth it?
Hmm....I wonder how cold it is outside...
Have a I had too many cigarettes today?
Is another worth facing the cold?
Why am I not sleeping?
Can I breathe yet?
Why is this show so damn funny?!
Why did my son suddenly slide to the floor?
Why is he sitting there?
How does he sleep in such weird positions?
If I move him tonight will he yell at me?
Awh, did he really just do that?!
He just did that. Hugs are the best and he didn't yell. Is this Heaven?
How does one become a hand model?
How do these people have such perfect skin?
Isn't anyone else proud of their scars?
Can I have a motorcycle man made of money?
Do people really talk about toilet paper yet?
Has anyone figured out that there was a commercial break?
Am I truly healing or just going crazier?
Life has to get better from here, right?
Does everything really happen for a reason?
Is anyone else tired yet?
Can anyone believe that this was my mind within less than five minutes?

Yep. Eff that. Cigarette, meditation, hopefully sleep. I'm hard at work trying to get out of this down phase I'm sure you've all noticed I've been in. Work in the morning. Grams has surgery tomorrow. Lord, there's so much on my mind...sweet dreams readers.

Yep.

I have no idea what I'm typing here, just FYI. Watching some show on scyfy that I'm actually enjoying, but I'm still wanting my space on here? I'm not sure but I think if I type randomly it should eventually come out. I know I had words in my head earlier as I was listening to Mary J. Blige. I was listening to a song I was introduced to earlier called The Living Proof. It made me think of everything I've been through in my life. From the abuse, to being an alcoholic, to being a mother, to being a wife, to being a single mother, to jumping from relationship to relationship, etc etc...and now..

I've been dreaming of a better place
Yet everywhere I go, I see your face
Can't seem to break free
Of this hold you have on me
This isn't how it was supposed to end
My heart can't break, but my does it bend
With best of intentions
You told me lies
With best of intentions
It's you I despise
Of all places you had to bring me here
Why is it always you that I fear

I don't even know where that came from, or why I'm typing as fast as I am. This is ludicrous, absolutely insane. I feel like there's something trying to push its way out, something that needs to be heard, but I don't know where to start or how to begin. There's so much chaos going on in my mind, so much running behind the scenes. I loved you, yes this is true. And Lord do I miss you so. Can you feel the pain in me? It's like, no matter how far I go, no matter how much good pushes through, I can still feel the pain there. All around me. I don't understand. I mean, I've been through so much in my life. And some days I brush it off like its nothing. And others I realize the magnitude of all I've been through. And then I think of all these things running through my mind, my troubles of the day, and I realize that it doesn't matter. This journey is the hardest thing I've ever been through. This is life. Before I was just surviving, I was just breathing and moving forward. Now I feel and I think and I can't even breathe anymore! Why can't I just be happy?! Will it really take medication to stop the ups and downs? And I know why I crashed. I spent the past few days with this boy knowing I shouldn't have, finally having the guts tonight to stand up and say I've had enough, I need my space. I crashed while I was at work because I knew what was coming. And then he was all sweet about it and understanding. God it makes me sick. For once can I just not have to deal with some guy trying to be there for me? Just let me do this on my own. I almost feel like its a test. Like every time I start to think I can do this on my own God puts some good man in my life and I'm drawn to them but I'm not ready, and I know I'm not ready. I can't even trust people anymore. I can't trust myself. Why am I wasting my time with some boy when I'm probably gonna break his heart in the end. Because that's what I do right? They call it the Strickland Curse. People fall in love with us. Its like the bad, the dark, is all hidden or something. Then they fall in love with us and we don't fall in love with them, or we do and then we fall out of love, it just makes no sense to me. I just want to be done with it all. I want to be a single woman, I want to learn how to be happy on my own. I want to be Sarah Strickland. Nothing more, nothing less. That's all I want. But that's just it. I am me. I'm me and nothing more and nothing less than completely and utterly lost at heart. And it's a beautiful ride. I'm terrified, I'm elated, I'm worried, I know I'm not in control. That's the hardest part for me. See, us past abused kids tend to want to be in complete control of our environment, in a passive aggressive way of course. And the sooner I realize I need to give up that control the better. That's hard though. And I'm not sure how. Recognizing the problem has helped I suppose. Now it's time for me to go meditate and pray and probably watch more than a little tv. I think I just need some fresh air...something to get me out of here...


Also, I just read that poem and realized I was writing it to myself...hmmm. Don't know what to think there...

Presence

On to other things now. I know this is probably really unorganized but so is my mind so I suppose it just all fits with the way I feel right now. I met a man a while back. He was a good friend of mine. Then we crossed a line. I realized that I was doing the same things I have always done. Be with someone you don't think things will get serious with and maybe you can have that companionship without the attachment. This is my cycle. The problem is, one party always gets attached and someone ends up getting hurt. I stopped things before I got hurt on this one. Then had about a four hour discussion with a good friend about things that needed to change in my life. Then almost slipped back into the same cycle. That time I would have ended up hurting him. He treated me better than any man ever had before. He was steady when I was crazy, made me push myself to have fun, took me on fairytale dates, had a lot of goals and a perspective on life that mirrored mine, and he was real. Real is important. But I wasn't ready for any of that. Noticed what was happening and asked him to walk away before he got hurt. See, lately I've been on this pity party. Everything is so stressful, I can't handle it all, what am I supposed to do, etc, etc. Its been quite pathetic honestly. But I had surrounded myself with people that enabled me to continue living that way. I had enabled myself to be that way by allowing these people to tell me that I was right in my wallowing self pity ways. Taking a step back and talking to someone different put a lot of things into perspective for me. For so long now I've been living my life according to what others think I should do. I seek approval for every step I take. It has to stop. I've become so far engrossed in what others think is best for me that some days I don't even know who I am anymore. It's time to take a stand! I know the things I need to do and it all starts by facing myself, facing my fear of failing if I do things on my own. So here is my list, here are my goals:
1) I started this one today so don't think these are in order of importance; it's just the first that came to mind. Growing my self confidence. Often I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself. I have this image of who I want to be, what I want to see when I look in the mirror. So today, though I shouldn't have, I splurged on some new clothes. And I love them. I adore them. I put them on and think "wow, this is me!". You see, when someone first sees you they should be able to learn something about you. This does not mean you should judge someone based on their looks. What I mean is that I want my clothes to be a reflection on the outside of who I am on the inside. So much of my wardrobe is composed of things others have given me, which I am grateful for, that it doesn't even begin to resemble who I am as a person. So today I got to explore a little more of what I like and what I want to wear. Also, I want to take a moment to say I LOVE thrift shops and the things you can find for way cheaper than a retail store. I adore the pieces I found today and when I wear them I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Coming to terms with the way my body has changed since having a child has been hard. Finding things that fit properly and make me feel good about the way I look has helped more than words can describe.
2) start working out. I will be in better shape, look better and feel more centered. When I work out and can see the improvements in my body it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me feel better about life. Now, by no means am I fat. I'm actually at a healthy weight for my height (amazon woman at 5'6, weighing in at 137). I just want to change the water weight I've been carrying over to toned muscle. Now, I know that my body looks just fine the way it is. Everyone tells me so. I, however, am not happy with it. I have not been taking care of myself the way I should and its time to start living a healthier lifestyle. It will help me keep up with Anakin's out of this world energy, feel more confident in myself, and it will also show my son that living healthy is a good thing. It's a win win situation all the way around. Now I've thought of just getting those at home 'dance it off' DVDs. I don't really like gyms all that much, but I do love to dance. Anakin does as well so that would take away the "I don't have time, I have my kid" excuse. Then I could choose what time works best and create a habit (takes 21 days) that is healthy and beneficial for us both. Does anyone have any experience with these DVDs, and if so is there any one that works better than others?
3)patience. I have GOT to work on my patience. I tend to expect immediate results in every aspect of my life, and I get frustrated when I don't see them. That's why cleaning is so therapeutic for me. I clean, turn around, and see the results. That's part of why this journey has been so hard for me. No results are guaranteed and they're certainly not immediately noticeable. I would like to think that I have grown since beginning this journey, but I know that I have stunted my own growth in a few areas because of my own impatience. So, I plan to end each night with at least 15 minutes of meditation. That way I can reflect on the day to see the good and bad, also so that I can take a moment to celebrate the small victories that I sometimes forget about. Those small victories are what will eventually lead to many more breakthroughs on this journey.
4)NO relationships. Lord Almighty I am not good with that one. I start off doing great, knowing that I need this time as an independent woman to recreate who I am into who I am striving to be. Then someone comes along with attention to spare for me and I say "well what if they're the one, are you just going to let them walk by?" Then I jump into things and run through every possible scenario in my head until, yet again, I realize I AM NOT READY! I am hoping that my meditation with help with this as well. I'm still too afraid for a relationship. I too scared to let someone that close to me. I know this. That is not something I can change but something that will change with time and growth along my own personal journey. Now I just have to remind myself of that every time some cutie with a booty walks by flashing a smile. I don't need any more hearts broken; mine included!
5)my over all goal is to regain the momentum I began this journey with. A lot has happened and I've allowed it all to wear me down. I can't do that. I need to persevere, even through difficult times. I will never know how strong I am until I stop setting these limits and thinking things are too much for me. I do need to set up those personal boundaries to quit allowing people to drain me, but I believe that I have recently acquired some good people to surround myself with that continually feed into me more than they take from me. I stunning. Auto correct error there but I like it. Anywho, I'm standing up on my own two feet for the first time in a while and it feels great. Reducing the negativity, increasing the positive, and making my own way. I have these safe havens I was continually running to when I was just moments from a breakthrough. I was getting nowhere and stressing myself running in circles. I don't think I've moved forward much recently, but I've stood still and observed. I do believe that's a step forward in itself.


Observing myself and realizing those patterns has enabled me to create a plan for a better future. Everything in my goals will be an ongoing process that will continue to bring good energy, though I'm sometimes too impatient to see that. I have a support system around me, including you faithful readers, that is helping to push me forward through the rough spots on this journey. I'll be honest with you all. I've almost quit a time or two. Ready to give up and move on like I was. But then I thought of all I've written here and I realized I can't quit now. The best thing about this blog (to me) is that I can go back and read previous passages and remind myself of my reasons for starting, my breakthroughs, and a refresher course on where I'm supposed to be. I never want to stop growing. Standing still for a little bit is okay. Taking a step or two back is even alright. **see bottom**. I have almost given up on everything recently, but the I refresh myself on my very own passages and I realize how far I've come. This blog isn't just a project to me. It's my place to vent without making someone listen to my groveling. It's my place to fall apart, where only I am here to put myself back together. It's my place to share things with the world: hopes, dreams, inspiration, and even the darkness. This blog is a part of who I am, and I refuse to give up on me. Writing tonight has helped me regain that determination and fire I felt I had begun to lose. I made a promise to myself that I would push through any obstacles and come out of my shell to show the world who I am at heart. That promise hasn't been broken yet though I've gotten off track a little at times. I'm pushing through though, and I believe I can feel the change in me.

**sidenote!: I once read a quote that said "You may test the same path as many times as you wish. You'll either decide you like the path, or you'll turn and make another. At any fork in the road you should explore both sides before choosing which is best for you and that takes time."
Another is "Growth is like a turning set of stairs. You climb and climb and climb. Sometimes you reach a plateau before the next set of stairs. This does not mean you've stopped moving forward. Merely, you have reached a point where you can look back and admire your accomplishments before moving up again." And lets see who can guess the movie "sometimes you've gotta go back a little to go forward"**

The Inner-Bitch in me.

Sidenote: I thought of not posting this, I fell asleep the night I wrote it. But I can not erase what has already been written. So, forgive me if this all is rude or hurtful in any way. It is how I felt in that moment and some of it is how I still feel in the present.
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Oh Lord, where do I even begin...I think we'll start with people. See lately, I've been keeping my mouth shut and I'm about done with that. If you see your name, you know I've been holding back what I want to say. If you don't but want to know, just ask me. Lol

Mother: First on my mind tonight, and mostly because you said we'd talk and then you went to bed. It kills me me that you don't tell me things, that you aren't honest. You twist things because you're "afraid to hurt someone" or "don't think the argument is worth it". Well it is. I am so sick of hearing you talk about people behind their backs, me included, and then act like nothing is wrong when you're face to face with someone. I swear sometimes you act like a teenager. And I don't have a lot of room to talk on the maturity level, I've got a lot of growing left to do. But here is what I want to say to you: until you change the things you do and the way you act you will never be happy with your life. And I'm like you in a lot of ways. I give too much, I don't stand up for myself enough, and I fall for things easily. But the difference between you and I is that I have the balls to say things to people's face when I have a problem; and had you been awake tonight I would be saying this to you instead of typing it.

Boo: I don't like the way you live your life. Part of it is envy, because I haven't been able to do the things you do. The rest is just seeing you make some bad moral choices. Plus, you enable me. I'll get to that later though. You have no stability. Doesn't that bother you? I mean, to each their own I suppose. I guess I just remember the way you used to be and now we've both changed a lot.

16: I've never mentioned you in my blog but I'm sure you'll know this is you from the memory. After all, you never forget anything. I don't know how to feel about you anymore. We used to be such close friends. Now we talk every single day again but it's just not the same. We aren't the same, life has molded us both differently. I read the things you type and hear the old you; the you I knew. But then I see you face to face and everything changes. It's like this rift keeping us from being as close as we once were. I was crazy about you before, but now those emotions are just a memory. I also feel Like my memories of our friendship are a lie and you're just some stranger on the street. I want to be able to trust you again, to open my heart. But you abandoned me once. Will you do it again in the future? This is what is holding me back from opening up to you again. Trust. It's hard to renew.

Country Boy: move forward. Quit wasting time on loving me. I'm not saying I'm not worth it. I'm saying its not going to work. Too much has happened, scars are already there, these are all reasons for you to move on. The main one though, is that my heart isn't in it and nothing you say or do will change that. I know this to be true. Yes, nobody knows what the future holds. How can you be so willing to miss the present because of an unknown future though?

Love: go lick a monkeys hairy testicles you coward.

Grams: I love you and I constantly feel like I'm failing you. Quit being afraid to ask me for things, stop shutting people out. We're here because we care. We're here because we want to help you. Tell me what you need from me. Set those expectations, allow yourself to let people give you what you want/need. You aren't a burden, I don't resent you, just let me be here for you.

LP: why are you even in my life still? You drain the positive from me and you continue to hold on to a past that only hurt both of us. Take a step back and breathe. Take care of you and the rest will fall into place. I am here for you but I am really fed up with the negativity. You hit rock bottom. Now stand up for yourself or you'll stay there.

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Now...I never finished typing out one of those lovely messages for everyone, but those emotions have passed and tonight is about things that are new. So much has happened since that night, I had almost forgotten about the unfinished post...

I suppose we'll start with mother. I over reacted a bit to a situation but I still stand behind the rest. We're getting along again but mostly because I am learning to just let things go. Life can't always be my way, right? We've discussed a lot of things recently that makes me feel like our mother/daughter relationship is growing, but I have to admit that there is still a lack of trust there. It's very hard for me to trust someone when that trust has been broken before and it seems as if nothing can be said without others having to know about it. This frustrates me. I feel I should be able to speak to my own mother in confidence and I don't have that ability for fear of everyone else knowing what has been said. That's not fair but it is something we are working on.

16: some things were revealed the other night and I'm having a hard time processing everything. I almost feel like every serious conversation is a test or a subtle mind game. It's pushing me away even more.

Love: I had an epiphany the other day. Everything about you. Everything. From your soft hair to your misery. Everything about you reminds me of the LP I once knew. I love him so very much...and you. You were a drug free version of the him I used to know. Yes, I loved you for who you were. But what drew me back to you time and again after I was continually hurt was not you, it was memories that found life through your living soul. Even your cowardly ways are reminiscent of his. When I think of all of this I just feel sorrow. I want to thank you for walking away. I never realized how unhealthy you were for my heart until you didn't have it anymore. I still love you. Part of me always will. I was not consciously trying to replace him with you. Noticing the similarities between the two of you has just given me an entirely new perspective.

LP: my sweet sweet baby...I'm sorry. I know that I was the only one left to care. I know you feel as if I turned my back on you. Forgive me baby; I had to. When will you ever learn to stand on your own if I am there catching you every time you fall? I want you to be free. I want you to be full of life again. I want to love you again. In this moment you are the shell of a great man I once knew. You need to rise above the ashes of all that has burned around you. Quit wallowing in the sorrow and stand in the light. Then you will have me in your life again.

Overwhelming

Guys...I don't even know how to say all of this. And that says something because I can generally put it all out there while typing/writing.
Lets start with the personal life stuff. Recently there have been a few changes. Someone I've known for a while recently showed a different kind of interest in me. And it's weird. He's one of my closest friends, we hang out every now and then. Then all of the sudden we were kissing and...other things. Now we haven't slept together so please don't think that. It's just different. When we're around each other he's holding my hand or wrapping his arms around me or kissing the top of my head. He came out to lunch the other day just to see me, didn't even eat. We can chill and hang out, then we're alone for two seconds and its like electricity between us. I have no clue where it's going. His words and actions are opposite if you get what I mean. He doesn't really say sweet things, has never told me I'm beautiful but tells me I'm hot instead, and any time he's asked he says he doesn't know his intentions. But his actions are so confusing. Either way, I'm not ready for a relationship so I'm just going to leave it as it is. I have no intentions, no expectations. I just enjoy the time I get with him and I'm leaving it there.
Then there's a guy that's been an acquaintance for about two years. A conversation was turned deep the other day. It was about views on love and relationships and fears, etc. Since then we have talked every day. But it's like I'm paranoid. Every male that talks to me, I wonder if they're going to hurt me, what their intentions are, how they'll get close just to crush my soul. Now I know this is because of everything that has happened. See, I finally faced the issues I was having over my love. And what I found out shattered my already broken heart. It will take time to heal, and I know this. I don't want to make others pay for someone else's mistakes, but I find it hard to trust anyone that shows an interest other than friendship in me. I just feel cold. Like I'm afraid to let anyone near me for fear of being hurt.

Now on to other things. I have been helping my brother and his roommates a lot. And it has even draining me emotionally and financially. I know that I need to stop but I have no idea how. I'm so not used to saying no. But what else should I do? I feel horrible if I say no when I'm technically capable of doing something. But it's so exhausting and just...draining. I tend to take on as much as I possibly can until I'm completely overwhelmed and freak out. I actually ended up having a panic attack the other night because everything hit me all at once. It terrified me and I thank God that my best friend was called to come calm me down. I have to stop this. Right now I've already got too much on my plate and I need to breathe. I can't though. There's so much that needs to be done, so much ongoing emotional turmoil and on top of all that there is a lot of stress on our family right now.

Which leads me into our next subject. Grandma is home. Tonight was hard. I knew that this would be hard but I guess I was hoping she would come home and be just fine. She's not though. Tonight alone I have had to help her sit and stand several times, pushed her through a restaurant in a wheelchair which was quite the different experience, helped her use the restroom (and I will not go into details out of respect for her). It's very hard to see her like this. She has no pride anymore. And the pain shows in her eyes. We all try to make light of the situation while holding back tears. Find the humor in every sad situation, right? But it's hard it's emotionally draining. I watched my Daddy go through this. I dealt with the pain of watching him slowly deteriorate over time. It got harder every day. Now Mom and I are going through it with Grams. This time it's worse though. She needs more help than he ever did. And I'm trying not to compare the two experiences but I can't help see my Daddy's face every time she looks at me with those pain filled eyes. I try not to show my emotion to her, keep the spirit light. I'm sad though. She can't do anything on her own if it involves and level of strength in her legs...I don't know. I don't really have the words to as it all so I'm going to just go spend time with her for now...

Well here I am.

Umm...I've already started typing and came back to say this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. And if you make it through this entire post you are truly amazing because it is long and sad and angry and full of everything my heart is breaking from. Also, I've decided I like chocolate. Mommy got me some for Valentines day and it is scrumdidillyumptious. Anywho. Some nights...some nights I just want to cry. Take tonight for instance. Not a bad day. Slept in, worked, got my baby boy (highlight of my day). Came home, he went to bed, people came over to do laundry. That was it, a seemingly un eventful day. Yet here I am, holding back tears as others laugh and joke around me. Here I am wanting to retreat back into my own little world with this heavy weight falling hard on my soul. Here I am wondering where you are. Here I am asking how I got back here after making it so far. Here I am missing all those little memories neither of us realized were being made. Here I am haunted by a love that never was, a dream of what could have been. Here I am weighed down by the burdens of life that aren't even burdens in truth. There is that ever so common weight on my soul. Almost like a comfort, knowing its still there. Almost like you're watching, waiting for love to burn. Breathing in and breathing out, but getting nowhere. Falling so deep into this dark abyss. And for what? Nothing is worth this... Yet here I am needing you near. Here I am pretending to smile. And here I am creating happiness on my own. Here I am failing miserably. Here I am trying to stand alone. Here I am facing down fear. All alone in a darkened world, shining through a heart that is torn. Once you told me I was like light through the dark. Once you told me you weren't going to leave. There was a time you made me believe. In me. In you. In truth. In love. In life. In beginning anew. My God I'm so mad at you. I forgave and forgot, I turned the other cheek. I watched you smile so pure and sweet as you sat there and watched me bleed. You were all I thought I would ever need. Now you've disappeared, left me here to bleed. So here I am moving forward, one step at a time. This is my heart half alive. But you bet your ass this half is still mine. So many things running through my mind. I honestly feel as though I'm drifting through time. I take some for me, drown out the world. Feel free in this little reverie. Baby you were mine, I know this is true. But you ran to hide and I stood still. So here I am turning around. Here I am holding my ground. You think you've seen the last of me, but I'll be there in the back of your mind. Imagine a love so pure and true, no scratch that, I'll get over you. The world turns round and I'll make it through. Revolving door for two. You ran away but I see straight through you. Here I am singing, I'm still in love with you. Here I am feeling unglued. The world is crashing you see. And you used to be here for me. But baby don't you know? Daddy's back in jail, Grams is getting well, Mommas doing swell and I'm living in Hell. Love, I'm so angry with you...all those moments taken for granted, all those memories made. Yeah, you, I remember you. Late night talks on the phone, kissing my forehead so I wouldn't feel alone. Like I didn't notice all those little things that made me think you cherished me. And now here I am, typing all alone. Was it worth it in the end? How do you know? He said every storm runs out of rain but baby you hit me like a fucking monsoon. I wanna stay up all night and jump around until we see the sun. I wanna be over you. People on the telephone. Saying I'm the one. Yet here I am breathing deep, trying not to fall asleep. The nightmares will hit and I can't breathe, haha Keith Sweat was just singing in my ear. Can you see the way you left me? All these fools falling for me, but I'm the biggest fool of them all because I believed love was true. Here I am trying so hard. You were the one I ran to. You were the one who helped me believe I'm enough, the one who reminded me I'm tough. I started this journey because of your faith in me, and I still continue to believe. You left me broken, more than a little bruised. But I've grown better every day since meeting you. Here I am singing, running from you. All I want is to be in your arms. Yet here I am trying so desperately hard not to make a scene. I let you go, like you wanted me to. Knew from the beginning that you would probably never stay. Guarded my heart, tried to protect me. No other has been where you still reside, why can't I just run and hide. I started over, started new, left everything behind that connected me to you. I pass by those places we used to meet, and I look away, across the street. I'm trying so hard, wondering if you even think of me. Here I am, trying to understand. And Momma says time will heal. Momma says what's meant to be will find a way. Momma says the hurt goes away. Momma has to be right. Because here I am, rhyming silly little words. Here I am loving you still. And Alanis says its ironic. I believe this to be true. All these people are chasing me. Here I am replaying memories of you. Here I am still remembering. See, there was this day I realized how much I loved you. And now the sunshine hurts my eyes, now I realize it was lies. I wasn't enough for you, and here I am tired of being blue. Here I am trying anything and everything. Here I am fading across the sky to the moon. Nah, here I am listening to songs that pull me through. Lies. Here I am listening to a song that reminds me of you. Here I am thinking I'm pitiful. Here I am asking someone, anyone, please dear God, make me forget about you. Here I am taking my time. Here I am trying to heal. Here I am eating chocolate, so unusual for me. Here I am thinking of friends, how much they mean. And there is Alanis singing words so true, might walk around naked in the living room. Here is pain, there is beauty. Here are memories, there are the lessons learned. Here is caution, and there my friend, is the wind. Life moves forward. I roll with the punches, but you knocked me out. Here I am regaining consciousness. Here I am day by day. Here I am in this moment. Here I am pouring out my heart to a keyboard as lifeless as my dreams of me and you. There is the pain, ebbing and flowing. And here is hope, yearning while growing.


So I know that a lot of this has probably made no sense to anyone, but I had to get it all out. I've been holding so much in, pretending like I'm okay. Really though, I've been falling apart. Each day gets easier and harder all at once. A little more pain in my chest, a few more memories laid to rest. The point here I think, is that even in turmoil I am growing. Even on these nights, I'm fighting this battle to move forward. Is there still hope for those dreams? Yes. But those hopes should eventually fade away. I don't know yet, but people say they will. See. The other day I read a blog about soul mates. And I believe I have found mine on several levels. First is Boo. She is my best friend, my sister soul if you will. The next is Zellie. He's my favorite cousin, the man I compare all men in my life to. I hold him on a pedestal because of the connection we have and the respect I have for him. And then there is my Love. I've seen inside his soul. I know the darkness there and it mirrors the darkness in me. But like the darkness in mine, there is also light shining through. And I believe that light would grow if only he allowed it to. Instead, I am moving forward on my own. Each step feels heavier than the last, but I keep faith that Momma is right. One day I will step and I will have that old spring back. One day I will smile for no reason at all, and said smile will be true. One day I will find that friendship that turns into love and grows forevermore. For now, here I am listening to Pink "Just Like A Pill". And I like it. This song reflects me right now.

Anywho, lets give you all an update on life.
Dad went back to jail and then Mark bailed him out again. He currently has 6 active cases in the courts spanning over the next five months if I remember correctly. You know, when his and Momma's divorce started, I told him I wouldn't choose sides. I guess...wait, let me back up and explain some things. I have three Dads:
Daddy - the man who raised me. He was a damn good man, he raised me proper and even on his death bed he gave us all he could. He taught me about forgiveness, love, and a lot of other important life lessons.
Bubba's Dad - the man who claimed me though he knew I wasn't his child. He was in prison until I turned 17 but he has made every attempt to reconcile with his children since being released, me included.
RW - and yea, I don't even have enough respect to hide his name. He was "having fun" with my Mom while she was separated from Bubba's Dad. There are different sides of the story but I will never know what truly happened. Either way, he wasn't a part of my life until I found him at 19.

Now lets return to this. When I found him he was married. Momma has four children that were also with him. The divorce began and I swore that I would not choose sides. And as far as the charges brought up, I have not. I have gone based on fact alone and made my own decisions from there. And Saturday I decided to go see the twins for their birthday. I promised those children I would not disappear on them and I DO NOT break my promises. Now, I have barely heard from my father since the divorce started, and when I have it's been "they did this, they did that, I do no wrong, feel sorry for me." Blah. It makes me sick. Everyone has been at fault through this catastrophe. Blahdedblahdedblah, back to Saturday. He sends me a message from a new number and asks me where I am, and I told him because I don't like to lie. Well didn't he just shit a bag of bricks. Started going off on me saying "how can you be there after all the headaches they've brought on me and after all the Hell they've put me through. How can you do this to me."

Excuse me sir. Who in the Hell do you think you are? I have done nothing to you, I have not even heard from you except for you asking if my Mother wanted to sleep with you. And don't even go there. Touch her and you die. You've hurt all sides of my family enough. You are not my Daddy. I may have come from your genes but I am nothing like you and I will be damned if you are going to try to tell me who I should be when you've spent your life in and out of jail and on drugs. Oh, and don't forget the alcohol. Yes, I came looking for you. And what I found was sooo much more. I found more family. Family is not about blood you twat. Family is about unconditional love, and you have NOT shown that. I also found truth. The truth my Mother was trying to protect me from. You want everyone to bend over backwards for you, dig you out of the holes you have created. Well my shovel is already full of shit, thank you. Oh I'm so angry...and then when I call you out you say "I haven't had time to be a father because I'm still working off damages they have created". Excuse me? Ladies and gentlemen I apologize for the unladylike behavior here, but a big fuck you sir. I am a single mother, working full time, trying to piece my life back together. Never, though, NEVER IN MY LIFE would I tell my child I don't have time to be his parent. He comes first. That's what being a parent means. You are no longer you. You have created someone and it is your duty to protect them, guide them, love them. You put them before you at all costs. But I should've known when you left, regardless of what happened. I should've known then that it would always be about you. Three children and you've managed to demolish any relationship with all three of them. Only one is still around and he's more like you every day. Yet it's not your fault of course. Never could that be. Are we seeing a pattern here? And by God I'm mad! How dare you! That is my Momma, my brothers and sisters, my Mother. For Christ sake, will it ever end?! And I'm praying. Lord, I'm praying. Forgiveness, guidance, grace, the ability to move forward, healing. And I pray for you though I really don't want to. How dare you...you have no idea how bad you have hurt me. I found you. I was excited. I thought I had found what I had been searching for. I thought I had found someone I could hold up there with my Daddy. I thought I had found someone I could look up to. I'm not quite sure what drove me to find you so bad. Grief over losing Daddy, anger at the things my legal father had done to our family, resentment towards my mother for lying. But then you. You worthless scum. How dare you harm my family. Haven't you done enough? How dare you judge me? And I know that's hypocritical. Here I am judging you. But I mean, really? What you put those children through?! "They aren't my kids". Well by damnit that's my brother and they are my sisters. The lying, stealing, cheating?! "Well look at what she's done". At least she can fucking own up to it and learn a lesson from it all!!! "How can you turn your back on me?" I wouldn't dare. You'd probably twist the dagger you've already put in my heart. But I am walking away. You will never bother to read these words. But I have bothered to write them. I FEEL the pain you have brought into my life. "How can you still be around them?" Because they are the only good that came from meeting you.






All that space is breathing room. Lol. I also went to smoke a cigarette and calm my crazy self down. Now we can move forward to some good news. Grandma WILL be coming home soon. She's really sick right now, it's something that's been going around. Once it passes they will be sending her home :-) I'm still nervous, but Oh so excited that she will be home soon! Life will change drastically, but I'm okay with that. After all that has happened recently I think a little more positive on my already loaded plate may tip the scale back in balance. Uncle G is building her a ramp so she can ride in and out of the house, her new chair that helps her stand/sit is in place, and me and Mom are about to go into spring cleaning mode. All in preparation of that crazy, old woman coming home. I can't wait :-) she snaps at people, believes in manners, is loyal to a fault. She doesn't say how she feels often, but you know it by her actions. When she opens up her wisdom is infinite. I just can't wait for her to be home. I used to be her little angel. Now I'm all grown up with a child of my own and I still want to sit at her feet, Indian style, watching old black and white tv shows.

Well, it's pretty much 5am here. Work is at 11:30. I should probably sleep. Here I am, a completely beautiful catastrophe. Here I am, seeing where this moment will take me.