Healing.

I don't really know what to say here. I mean, the title really says it all. My last post was hard to put out there. I've never shared so much. And that's not all my past. Most of the memories are locked away. My therapist once told me thy were buried. It was a coping mechanism to survive. Sometimes, they come back to the surface. Nightmares, flashbacks, etc. It's not easy to deal with but I have done research and came across this passage that has helped me through. "That which our minds and bodies have protected us from surface when we are able to handle it, even if we think the timing couldn't be worse and we will never survive the impact. The new, painful information and all that accompanies it allows us deeper insight into who we are and how we arrived where we find ourselves. That insight, the internal puzzle pieces as they fit together, carries us through the pain and confusion we feel and allows us to heal. The mind which protected you, once freed from that responsibility, will mend you.”  
When those memories resurface I remember that it is just me healing. I still seek help. I still seek support. But it is much easier to bear now. Plus, I'd much rather have flashbacks than have a multiple personality disorder. Just saying. My brain hid things instead of breaking apart to deal with what I went through. I've accepted this, and will continue to grow and heal as my soul sees fit. It is a process, no matter what you've been through. Healing is a continual part of life. Without experiencing bad, how can you appreciate the good. And I'm no longer talking about my specific life, I'm talking about life in general. It is a beautiful thing. If I have learned nothing else in my 21 years, it is this: it doesn't matter where you came from, what you've been through, or what you've done. All that matters is who you choose to be every moment of the present day. 
It's not always easy, I'll be the first to attest to that. Here's something I learned at a business seminar of all places. A man up on stage put one dollar in his hand and held it over the crowd. He made a fist around it. The he said "this dollar is your money, but it is also your heart. It is your pain, it is your joy, it is your life." From there several people tried to add dollars to his hand but they couldn't because his hand was fisted. Someone from the audience asked him why he was holding on so tightly to a dollar bill. This made him smile. "Good question," he said. "If I hold onto this dollar, if I hold on to only what I have. How can I receive more?" He then opened his hand and allowed the others to contribute to it. When all contributors had crossed the stage he began laughing. They had placed so many dollars in his outstretched hand that he could not hold them all. "My cup runneth over. I have more than I can hold. The rest is spilling over to those around me (meaning the audience). My dollar is still there. The foundation of my other wealth. Had I not opened my hand though, it would be all I still have. Instead, I have been given plenty to share." 
That demonstration has stuck with me through the years. Really think about it. I come from a past of pain. But it has built a foundation of compassion for others. Through learning to open up my heart, which is still an every day process, I have received so much love that I can share it with others. Yes, the pain is still there. It just makes me appreciate the beauty of everything else that much more though. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you begin to truly heal.

Forewarning: this will be ugly.

Some things have come to light recently and I think it's time for this to happen. This will be ugly, I will not proof read it, feel free to ask any questions.

The beginning: when I as four years old my legal father was sent to prison for molesting two of my brothers. I have memories from back then of him and my mother fighting. One of those memories is one of the nightmares I have at times. They were arguing, yelling and screaming, hitting. Mostly my Mom hitting him. She said he'd never see his kids again, hoped he rotted in Hell. All sorts of stuff. It was hard to witness. Anyways, we were in the car. It was one of those old Chevelle's with the green tint to the windshield. I remember her screaming and yelling, hysterical in her own right. She just kept hitting him, over and over and over. Then he struck back. Slammed her into the hood by her throat actually. She had bruises for weeks, the perfect print of his hands...

From there things got crazy. Brothers had to testify. He went to prison. Thirteen years. He'll live with what he did to them for the rest of his life though. What he did to our entire family.

Then my brothers...one was sent to live with his grandma. We saw him every other weekend. The other stayed with us. He got angry, abusive, completely out of control. On more than one occasion he put me and my mother through walls, left us bruised and broken, scarred us. Now let me pause here to say Clay, the man who raised me, tried to help in any way he could. He was diagnosed with cancer when I was still young. Went through a drinking spell. Actually, there was one day my brother had to push open the bathroom door so I could squeeze in and get the phone. Called my mother, thought Dad was dead. Turns out he had drank himself into a stupor and passed out in the bathroom floor. Anywho, after that he quit  drinking. The sickness got to him though. Eventually he was bed ridden. We got him out in the wheelchair a few times, but it wasn't many. Mostly he enjoyed his view from his window, jeopardy and wheel of fortune. And singing. Oh, he loved to sing. I would dance as he sang and we would fall into fits of laughter...the breathing treatments were the worst though. He would have enough to yell, just once. You've never felt true fear until you've had someone's life in your hands. One step too late, not strong enough to turn the wrench, can't get the air flowing and he's gone...thankfully, we always made it. He moved into his sisters towards the end. I'll never forget that day. My brother had been put in Ten Broeck. I had just gotten out of school, and we were going to pick I'm up. Afterwards we always went to see Dad. Well, that fateful day...Mom and brother got into an argument, he ripped the four in thick door from the hinges. He broke a table. It was bad. They almost didn't let him come with us, but he calmed down. We got to the house ten minutes too late. He was already gone. So peaceful, finally resting. That's a story for another day though. This leads us back to my brother. Things got way worse after Dad passed away. Wait, wait, moving too far ahead. Almost skipped the other years, and they're kind of vital to the heart of this whole message. Clay had a son that came to live with us for a while. We called him Junior. Now this part...this will not be easy. It started with him and my brother having their own club. They would put blankets over the bunk bed and leave me to take care of our younger sister. I wanted so bad to be a part of that club. I was too naive to realize it was a ploy. One day, my brother was gone and Junior asked me how bad I wanted to be part of that club. You can guess where it went from there. From then on the abuse continued. I won't go into major details, but I will share the most prominent memories.
I had always had this feeling in me that what was going on was wrong. But I was young and didn't want to get into trouble. I've already shared the day he threatened my little sister with a knife. There's more though...that day he used his knife to cut me. I have a scar on the inside of my thigh, one on my left breast, and one on my butthole. Yep, I said it. There it is. The scars have healed. I'm all normal now, but the mark remains. Once, he tied me to the bed because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do. That day he scarred my insides, which I didn't find out until I was literally giving birth to my child. They had to go in and manually break up the scar tissue around my cervix so I could dilate. It hurt, but my son is worth what I went through that day. Another time, he came in while I was in the shower. Daddy was sleeping after chemo, brother was at therapy. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think a lock would keep him out. That day I was thrown into the vanity and the tub before he did what he wanted to do. Still have back problems from it. Haha.
The worst was yet to come though. He got my brother into it to. I guess it was a game of who could push me farther? Not sure. Don't think I even want to know. Either way, it was a living nightmare. I remember once, and disgusting as it is I swore I'd share it all, my brother actually peed in my mouth. Disgusting right?
Now I'm done sharing all that. You all needed to know the background to understand what I'm about to explain. Oh wait, I haven't finished the rest. Z found out, saved me, Junior left. Brother wasn't allowed alone with me, I clung to Z for protection. Now, for those of you that don't know, Z is my cousin. He's my protector. He's the man I compare all others in my life too. Nobody will ever compare to him, but there are certain qualities I look for. That's besides the point though. Anywho, abuse got worse. Violence ensued. Through walls, hit with random objects, punched, etc etc. Brother was in and out of mental hospitals. Turned 18, left, the aftermath was put on me. When he left I was pinpointed for Hell, I was the only one left. I actually ended up being put in Juvi for a while because I had a "mental breakdown" and lost it. That day was horrible. Mother backhanded me with her pointy diamond ring (people wonder why I don't care for diamonds...) and I hit back. I am not proud of it, it is just part of my past.  I moved out shortly after.

And on to the rest...I have been through some things, others have been through worse. If you feel pity for me feel free to exit my life now. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. And when you survive you go through every emotion possible. The first and foremost is anger. Deep, deep anger. Hatred. Feeling betrayed, alone, used. Then you have guilt. You wonder what you did wrong, feel you deserve all you have been through, believe that you're worthless. Hopeless. Despair. Distraught. It's a dark dark place to be. BUT! If you can work through that, if you can make it through, there is hope. Sweet, beautiful, miraculous HOPE. It takes years and years, never really goes away. Life gets better though. You learn to trust again, to smile and laugh, to explore new things in life and fill the void the past has left. It is truly crazy. You have the option to become a slave to what you have been through, or to embrace what you have been through and help others learn from your experiences. I have chosen the second and I hope that is obvious. One reading this post will know why I have chosen to share this today. For you others, I pray that it touches your heart in some way. Wether it be to inspire, to give hope, anything. Know this. I was abused, I was hurt, I was broken. I'm still mending my life back together, years upon years later. But I have a heart full of love, a wisdom beyond my years, and a determination to make it through anything. You don't have to go through what I have to get those things. If I can have them, though, can't you? Can't anyone for that matter? There is good in this world. There is beauty, love, inspiration, unimaginable sights yet to be seen. Unimaginable love left to be felt. Unimaginable joy, just around the bend. Keep your hope, keep you purpose in mind. Life will move forward and with it, you will heal and learn to feel that joy. Now that may be the optimism in me. But, hey, optimism is one of my strengths :)

Side note! I swear, I'm going to bed after this.

I had an epiphany while smoking my last cigarette before bed. I've never explained the bipolar disorder thing. Let me take a moment to do this.

Bipolar disorder: I explained this once to my niece, I will explain it here the same way. Not because I think you all are stupid, she is quite intelligent. Only because it is easier to understand.
Your brain sends chemicals/hormones back and forth inside itself. In a normal brain, they absorb. In a bipolar brain, some do not. It is as simple as that. The hormones needed for emotional stability are not absorbed correctly and it causes issues.

Now. There are two different types of the disorder. One is Bipolar I and one is Bipolar II. Sock and amazement!

Bipolar I: this means manic episodes. Extreme euphoria, not drug induced. Extreme depression, again not drug induced. Triggers create the variables, cause the mood swings. You switch in the blink of an eye, for an undetermined amount of time. Intense rage, violence, blackouts, hysterical laughter, etc. these are all associated with the Bipolar I disorder. Clinical depression is a word often used. From Wikipedia: "At the lower levels of mania, such as hypomania, individuals may appear energetic and excitable. At a higher level, individuals may behave erratically and impulsively, often making poor decisions due to unrealistic ideas about the future, and may have great difficulty with sleep. At the highest level, individuals can show psychotic behavior, including violence. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes, or symptoms, or a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. These events are usually separated by periods of "normal"mood; but, in some individuals, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, which is known as rapid cycling. Severe manic episodes can sometimes lead to such psychotic symptoms as delusions and hallucinations."
This I do not have. My brother does, and let me tell you it is not easy to manage. But it is controllable with therapy and proper medication.

Bipolar II: this means elongated mood changes. Depression is more common, it is also more intense. Not manic, not quick and over with. I mean long. There are also times of high energy. Bouncing off the walls, running everywhere. Just go, go, go. No sleep,  no food. Very productive, also very bad. Let me share this from Wikipedia. "Hypomania in bipolar II may manifest itself in disorganized racing thoughts, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, or all of the above combined. Because these agitated symptoms are negative, it may be difficult to distinguish a bipolar II hypomanic state from depression. Hypomania is often regarded as an elation of mood; however, mood may be negative in bipolar II hypomania. Mixed states and/or rapid cycling may also be present." Also, I will share these 'indicators':

Hypomanic episodes

• High energy levels
• Hedonistic mood
• Unrealistic optimism
• Mystical experiences
• Irritability and anger
• Automatic thoughts
• Maladaptive assumptions
• Hypersexuality

[edit]Depressive episodes

• Low energy levels
• Cessation of usual activities
• Black and white thinking
• Unrealistic pessimism
• Overgeneralization
• Automatic thoughts
• Maladaptive assumptions
• Dysfunctional personal schemas^[8]
• Thoughts of suicide
• Isolation from people

[edit]Relapse

In the case of a relapse, the following symptoms often occur and are considered early warning signs:^[9]

• Sleep disturbance: patient requires less sleep and does not feel tired
• Racing thoughts and/or speech
• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Emotional intensity
• Spending more money than usual
• Binge behavior, including food, drugs, or alcohol
• Arguments with family members and friends
• Taking on many projects at once

People with bipolar disorder may develop alternate identities to match each mood they experience. For some, this is done intentionally, as a means by which to escape trauma or pain from a depressive period, or simply to better organize one's life by setting boundaries for one's perceptions and behaviors.^[10]



I have Bipolar II Disorder. I am not ashamed, it is part of who I am. I just wanted to distinguish the differences so people understand a little better. Also, not everything I do or say is because I am in an up or down phase, as I call them. Yes, this disorder is part of me. It does not define me though and I want to make that clear. So many people say, "oh, you're bipolar, I'm sorry". Well, I'm not. The general public has a really screwed up view of my disorder. I hope this helps at least one person understand. And no, this is not directed at anyone. Just a thought that crossed my mind, hence the title "Sidenote". Goodnight all :)

Oh my.

     

I'm not gonna lie, this day has been rough. Before I go into anything, I wanna tell you all a little funny story. One of the guys at work calls me Princessa. Now, the past few days he's been saying "Princessa, you okay? You've got sad eyes." If only he knew, right? Today though...today that damn broke and all my tears came out. Most inopportune time, mind you, I knew it'd happen that way. Anywho, today he goes "Princessa, you lie. You not okay. Mira aqui you're crying." Now I laughed, even though I WAS crying and said "nah, I'm still okay."

So here's the gist of it. I can't explain everything that happened today, but I can tell you how I've felt throughout it all. At first I was troubled, confused, a bit angry. I did a whole lot of crying, got a little bitter, snapped at a few people. Got into a huge argument with someone I don't generally argue with, and over silly stuff at that. The argument is what started the tears though to be honest. Ah well, it's said and done with and they needed to come out anyways. Anywho, then I was crying at work and everyone was asking me what was wrong. I didn't wanna say a whole lot, but I'd like to take a moment to say that I have some amazing coworkers that seriously helped me out tonight. I have never worked in a place with so many people that genuinely care. Then came more tears with a conversation I had. I knew it was coming, but I had still held out this hope that it wouldn't. What can I say? It's the optimist in me. But, it happened anyway. I revealed some things I probably shouldn't have. Felt like I was falling apart, got into it with karma a bit, sat outside and bawled my eyes out, avoided talking to anyone at all, etc etc. Got home, well its home for another day, and locked myself in the bathroom. Honestly, it was to avoid anything else from going on. I had enough on my plate already. I had had enough with LIFE. Sat in there and cried awhile, then decided to actually take a shower. Now, here's the funny thing about me and water. It has always soothed me, it has always helped me heal. So, when I'm dealing with more emotion than I can handle and when there's no rain for me to play in, I shower. Not my usual wash, rinse and out shower. I mean I turn the water up as hot as I can stand it and I let the sting numb the tears. I let the water wash away the emotion. I let the steam clear my head, much as a sauna clears sinuses, just without the mucous messiness. After my shower I said some things I probably shouldn't have said. They were true, but I still shouldn't have said them. Then I sat down and thought for a little bit, not too long mind you. Long thinking leads to negative thoughts. Long thinking is Los different than soul searching, just so you're all aware :)... I think my soul finally found the words it was trying so desperately to say. Who knows, hopefully it did. I guess we'll see as time goes. I just know that I felt a lot of relief after finding the words that rang truest to me. So I spoke them. Several people received some seriously long messages from me tonight. One in particular, the conversation started earlier, was the hardest for me to find words for. That's generally how t goes though, right?

This leads us back to my funny story from earlier. I was not lying when I said I'm okay. I'm a bit drained, sad, there may even be some bitterness in there. But I AM okay. Mixed in with all that negative is hope, relief, pure excitement for the release of old habits and the beginning of a new and better me. Also whole lot of sleepy tired. Though its not the emotion tired, its just plain ol' tired tired. I shouldn't really say new me either. I'm me, regardless. Just a more insightful, happier, better grounded me. Not new, just improved. Anywho! I will make it through all of these emotions, I will be alright. Life throws you curve balls, sometimes at the worst possible time. You've just gotta learn to bend and not break. And patience. Oh yes, patience. I'm learning :) there's a lot going on over here, everything is kind of chaotic. But it's life and its mine. I can't change a lot of the things going on, but I can decide how I will act and react. I'm stronger. Every single day that God blesses me with makes me stronger. There are tests, there are trials. Just remember: He will not use those He has not first put through suffering. Sounds horrible. Honestly though, how can you help others in suffering if you have never been through it yourself? Out of every storms comes a beautiful, freshly washed, nourished and stronger world. Out of every hardship I will be stronger, bolder, more beautiful, and more willing to go where I've never gone before. Is everyone ready? I am :)

Oh, life.

                                                     

I don't really have I've time to cover everything I want to this morning. Just wanted to stop in and tell you all that this morning, while calm on the outside, has been crazy on the inside. Some things are looking up, some things are spiraling down. There's not much I can really do about any of it. On a good note, my brother just picked up a three bedroom. That means Bubby will have his own room again, and I will have a room! It's going to be kind of crazy as we move everything from their apartment and all of my stuff from here. It's almost too good to be true, but we'll find out! I have hope. Other than that I'm not going into anything. I'm just kind of at war with myself and trying to deal with some things. Have a great day everyone!

Well hello there.

         

Today wasn't so bad. Work went by quick, got out of there way earlier than expected and with some decent, okay good, tips! Spent most of the morning (afternoon) packing. It's time consuming and tedious. I have fears of the unknown that always comes with moving somewhere new. I know my brother and I get along, I have to stay positive. This is the next step in my journey. And if it doesn't work, I'll figure out something new. The way I see it tonight? You endure more obstacles when you're on the right road. The path of least resistance is the one most traveled, and a helluva lot less fun. Tehe :) I'm still tired, and know that tired doesn't mean physically tired. I can still feel the remnants of the storm that has been raging in me the last little bit of time. I'm gonna be alright though, I've made it through worse. You know, I keep saying I've felt so out of control recently. Then I realized, you're never in control. You can either embrace the unknown, let nature take its course, or you can spend your whole life fighting against the tide. Plus, I've truly known a loss of control. It's terrifying, but I won't go into that tonight. You can control yourself in almost any situation. I know this post is a bit contradictory with its different analogies and such, but you should really hear the thoughts in my mind if you want contradictory. Make no mistake, I am still a mess. It's out of messes you can make some of the most beautiful things though :) for now, I'm jumping off here, too much on my mind and not a lot I'm ready to share with the world.

Morning.

                       
                                      
Well, technically it's afternoon. I just woke up though so we're going with morning. Momma told me to pray, and I don't even know where I would begin. I need to though. Let God have some of this chaos raging around/in me. I'm feeling better today though. I know everything will work out one way or the other, there's not much any of us can do about most of it. My Dad will be going to jail/prison. Nobody knows for how long yet, but it's inevitable that he will. He can't talk his way out of this mess, and there's nobody around that's able to save him. He should've stayed in AA, should've kept away from the bad influences. He should not have made the choices he has made. I'm not even going to put the rest of all that on here until more information is available. As far as the car goes, I'm just going to have to be more patient about getting my apartment and buy a car first. I obviously can't rely on the men in my life for it (meaning my family men) and its time I make that step on my own. Umm...savings...I'm readjusting my goals, making them a bit more realistic. I'm learning patience through this test. It will take longer than I expected to get where I'm going, but I will get there. That determination is back :) I just have to take care of other things first. I'm 21. I feel like I should be farther in my life, but then I've always done everything backwards :) This morning I am not defeated, I am not hopeless, I will not break. Bending is acceptable, breaking is not. I have been through more than a few broken promises and a little setback. This shit is a piece of cake. I will eat my cake, because I'm not worried about having it too. Momma will just make sugar cookies :) For now, God has calmed the storm in me and that's all I can ask for. I am alive. I am well. I'm about to be dancing as I cook/clean/pack. It may not be a spectacular day, but it will be good if there's anything I can do about it. Cheers to newer new beginnings :) tehe. Ooh! I almost forgot to mention!!! I got the address for my Z this morning. Let the letters begin :)

Today.

         

Today I am not spectacular. Today I am defeated. The tears won't come, the pain is screaming, the anger is lashing out. But really, what does it all matter? I'm numb. There's so much emotion that emotion itself has stopped being. I wanna scream, hit something, curl into a ball and cry, laugh hysterically for no reason. Instead I'm smoking a cigarette, typing on here, as if the words I'm typing don't even register to me. So much weight on my shoulders I don't even feel like holding my head up. My fmily is in shambles. Hell, my life is in shambles. Had something good, feel like I screwed it up. Had a savings started for my apartment, the whole damn thing is gone. car situation obviously didn't work out. So pissed at my Dad it's unbelievable, yet still wondering what I'm gonna do on Christmas besides sitting where ever I'm living, alone. Everything is everywhere, and it's crazy. It's chaos. It's entirely too much all at once Two steps forward, three steps back. Push a little harder, falling flat on my ass. Then I wonder, how can I fall on my ass, not my face. Oh yea, because life said "take this!" Haha. I'll be alright, but to tonight, misery is my company. Oh, sweet misery. Haha, that's from a Pink song. I'm gettin off here y'all. I'll be better tomorrow. Promise. Just remember, I'm sharing the good, bad and ugly. It's is that ugly side of me...

So...

                 

How do I even begin to explain it all? Umm...this may be completely random and incoherent babbling. Just a prewarning. I'm so exhausted, I'm so drained. It's hard to put it all in words but I have to try. There has been so much going on recently and I can't even talk about half of it. I'm losing it though. Every aspect of my life feels like its just falling apart. I know it's not, well, some things are. But it's not all bad. I know this. So why is my outlook so negative? Gave a chunk of my savings to my brother for a vehicle I still haven't gotten back, so I'm back to bumming rides from everyone. My family is in complete chaos that even I, fixer of all things, can't do shit about. I guess o just jave to learn that I am NOT superwoman, and even i need some time to breathe. Right now is a good time to learn that lesson, because there is literally nothing I can do right now about any of it. My apartment is so close I can taste it, but it seems I take one step forward and get pushed two steps back. Like every move I make to do better gets shoved aside for what? Honestly, for what?!?! I keep saying "I can do this, I can handle this". But can I really? Do I have the strength to keep pressing forward when everything inside me is screaming that I'm falling apart, coming unglued at the seams? I feel like shutting the world out, I feel like breaking down into the tears that will eventually hit me at the most  inopportune time. Is inopportune even how you spell that? Shit, even my English is going to Hell and that was my major...I don't even know...can you feel the chaos raging in me? The dire, desperate need for something to go good, to be right. I feel like I'm two seconds from the edge of a cliff. And part of me wants to put my toes on the edge and embrace the wind. The other part wants to run into a cave screaming for sanity, hiding form the world and everything in it. I even took tonight off work. I mean, Jesus, when do I do that unless its something important. Then I think "hey Sarah, you're pretty important". Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I've reached that point where I'm done trying. Thank you life, I've had enough. But then I have this hope. I mean. It's darkest before day, the storm rages worst before its over, yada yada yada. At least Kill Hannah is putting me in a better mood. It seems that every aspect of my life has completely flipped. Some of it my fault, some out of my control. I'm so worried about everything going on I almost can't breathe. Like, the walls are closing in on me and there's nowhere to run. Then again, this whole journey is about not running anymore. So...tonight, I'll breathe. Every strong woman knows her breaking point. Every spectacular one knows there isn't a breaking point. By damnit, I will be spectacular. Now if only I could get my heart to stop racing, calm my thoughts a bit. I think I just need to find something productive to do instead of sitting here letting the world rip me apart. Maybe I'll sneak away to see some friends, maybe I'll just clean/pack. Maybe I'll just sleep, though I've done a lot of that the past few days. Maybe I'll get some serenity and be able to smile without having to hide the fact that I'm freaking out on the inside...I guess we'll see where the rest of the evening takes me...either way I'm getting off here. Ranting is doing me no good but increasing my blood pressure. I keep going back to last year, a friend took me away from the world for a night. Nobody knew where I was, only my sons Father knew how to contact me. It was bliss. And then not to long ago I got another day like that. Maybe that's what I need, but it's not in the cards. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and make do with what I have.

I promised these.

                                     

So today's strengths to recognize. Trusting, honest and optimistic, they kind of go hand in hand if you ask me. I've been through some living Hells in my life. Really and truly, stuff to make a grown man cry. But I will always be an optimistic person, I will always trust first and question later. There is good that can come from any situation, no matter how bad it seems at the time. I was abused most of my life, beaten down til I was nothing. But from that I have learned how strong I truly am, I have learned how to love no matter what. And most of all I have learned forgiveness. Against all odds, I've come out a decent person if I think about it. Now, I have days where I feel like the worst person in the world. Overall, though, I don't think I'm any worse than anyone else. Anywho, if there wasn't optimism there I would've followed the path everyone said I would and there's no telling where or who I would be. Without optimism I would've condemned myself to a life of misery, there would have been no hope for a better future. That moves us into trust. The people that were supposed to love me, protect me, care for me, are the ones that hurt me the most. I had to make myself trust again. It was a long and ugly battle, took years upon years. Now though I can freely trust people. I'm an honest person and I expect others to be honest as well. Now, I know this does not always happen, and at times my naivety has gotten me in trouble. Trust though, is the foundation to everything. Without trust you are always waiting for the other foot to fall. I refuse to be waiting for something like that my whole life, there are other things worth waiting for. The last, and one of the most important to me, is honesty. I am straightforward, honest to a t and will tell you like it is wether you want to hear it or not. This is not saying I'm a saint. I've slipped, I've lied, and my conscience dealt with that. Nobody is perfect, but we can all strive to be the best we can be. Anywho, figured this post was necessary after the last. That one was kind of dark. I'm not going to explain these farther, don't think I need to. Just wanted to put some positive out there.

It's been a bit.

       

Seems I keep posting and then not being able to post for a few days? Here's the run down:

The rest of Thursday: I spent the morning with my little big man. Lunchtime came and some...we'll use the word unsavory...events took place. I dislike arguments, I especially dislike them in front of my son, so I left. Spent the rest of the day at my Lady Loves house. I was pretty upset most of the day, but was able to put it behind me before work. After work I went to the original Boo's house and had fun. We had a great time catching up and making new memories.

Friday: The day itself was pretty uneventful, went to work that afternoon. After work I went to my friends. Had a good time there, as always :) There's nothing better than being so comfortable you can be yourself and not have any worries. Haha, I keep pausing in typing because Aladdin is on and the magic carpet ride scene is on. Lovin it :) Anywho, really, the day was pretty uneventful. The best days though are ones that don't have to be eventful to be amazing. It was one of those types of days. There were surprises, but they were the little type of surprises that just brighten the day and make it that much better. And that's what gets me. It's the little surprises and special moments in any day that make me so fond of life in general. Live for the little things and they'll add up to big things :)

Saturday: Had an AMAZING breakfast. Those of you who know me know I do not cook breakfast often. When I do it's just pancakes or biscuits and gravy. So, remember that, as I tell you how much of a treat it was to have eggs mixed with ham and some bacon and toast with nom nom grape jelly!!! I was stuffed the whole day!!! I'm so damn spoiled :) Anyways...now I'm babbling, sorry, can't help it. Umm...rest of Saturday...went to work, didn't feel well. I went into work and got really lightheaded, felt nauseous a bit. It was icky, and then I realized that I hadn't taken my iron supplements in quite a while. So, went for some steak (easiest way to get iron in the system) and ended up feasting again! Delicious salad, fried pickles, steak, mashed potatoes, rolls. Also had some pretty awesome company to share said feast with! After eating got to hang out and watch Good Luck Chuck, adorable and hilarious all at once. Somehow I ended up falling asleep right after the movie and had absolutely amazing sleep. Like the kind that feels super restful and you know you've been in a deep sleep.

Sunday: Slept most of the day :) I did wake up once because of a bad dream, but I was oddly okay. Like, I felt weird, had the panic for a moment, but it wasn't the terror I'm used to. Granted, it wasn't a nightmare, but it was still a lot easier to shake it. (not that I'm complaining :) Anywho, curled up and almost went right back to sleep, took a moment but it happened. Finished off the left overs from the night before and finished getting my iron back up, pretty sure that's why I passed out so fast the night before. Then...work on Sunday was normal. Went back to the apartment afterwards and would have left almost immediately if I had anywhere to go. Took my precious puppy for a run that was much needed on both ends. It gives him exercise and me time to breathe without thinking. Though I generally think clearer the faster I'm physically running. Went back to the apartment, started watching a movie and then got into another horrible argument. Though at this point I'm done arguing and I just listen as I'm being yelled at. That apparently makes me cold and uncaring though, two things I am generally not. Decided right then that I need to leave, now it's just a matter of when I can move my stuff out to my brothers. Thank you love, for being there for me through that.

Monday: Pretty normal morning. Went to pick up Bubby. Until you're a parent you will never understand how much you miss your child when they're not there. Everything I do is for him. He is my world, he is my light in the dark. My son is crazy, spoiled, has an attitude problem and has been through a lot in his two short years on this earth. But he is mine, and I love him unconditionally. For that matter, I miss my dog too. I haven't been able to see him much and it's a horrible feeling. When you're a parent you never really know what you're doing. You just try your hardest and pray it works out for the best. I'd do anything in the world for my son though. Anywho, I'm rambling again. Went and looked at an apartment that's only 595 a month for a two bedroom. Deciding if that really fits in the budget (my top price was 650 but I'm trying to keep bills as low as possible). Anywho, I know I'm gonna move in with my brother for a few months to pay off some debt and get a financial basis started before I make a move out on my own completely. Still deciding if a room mate would be worth it, just don't know of anyone ready to move yet. I think it would probably be best, most of the issue is that the majority of my friends are guys. Anywho, after talking to the apartment people me and Bubby came to my Lady Loves again. Spent the night here and had a blast hanging out with friends. Also became Empress of the world! Haha, no really, won Risk, conquered the world. Anywho, didn't sleep until 6am. Tried to sleep sooner and it epically failed. Went outside to smoke a cigarette about 4:30 and flipped out with my paranoid self. Darlin, and you know who you are though I don't have a nickname for you, thank you so much for being one of my best friends. You are seriously one of the best guy friends a girl could ever ask for and I can't wait to see your smiling face! 18 days!

This morning: Kids woke up at eight. I've realized that my sons behavior is getting out of control and I'm gonna have to reign that shit in. I'm horrible and the whole mean mommy thing. We'll figure it out though. Other than that it's been pretty uneventful. Listened to music for a while, watched Aladdin twice. Yep, twice. We're that awesome. Played on Facebook and then came here to update everyone because quite a few have asked why I haven't posted. I guess I should take a moment to let everyone know that I was able to update a lot when I was at the apartment, but now that I'm not at the apartment as much it has been increasingly difficult to find the time. Anywho, didn't make it to the zoo yesterday because the kids were grumpy. Hoping we make it out there today!

And the overview...I have been through so many emotions...I have been upset to the point of tears, I've never been so hurt and angry as I was Thursday and I'm just done with that whole situation. There comes a point where compassion has reached its limits and self respect becomes more important. I know what I want and I'm going for it. I was thinking about that day and about Sunday night and came across the song King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. I've always liked the song and now the words ring true. Back to positive! I am me. This isn't about "changing" me, this is about accepting myself for who I am. For seeing what I want, what I deserve, knowing that my heart and my brain are working together and going for my dreams. I have this renewed excitement for life! For living, feeling, breathing, BEING! One day at a step, one step in front of the other. It's a truly miraculous feeling. It's a new beginning. It's a time in my life where I can honestly say I am putting 100 percent of me into everything I wanna do. I'm still not 110%. I'm just learning to enjoy the ride of this journey and roll with the tide. Unless something is worth fighting for. When it's worth fighting for you best believe I will take my stand. I just have to remember what is and isn't in my control. And patience. Patience has been a necessity recently and one I am slowly learning to accept. Also: Boo, original Boo, Momma - I see your smiles. Hush it!

Nightmares suck..

The nightmare: walking through a house, minding my own business. Suddenly a large man rounded the corner and hit me, stumbling backwards, I wasn't sure what was going on. The blows kept coming though. Over and over and over. I felt something in me snap, I couldn't breathe. That was the main thing. For the life of me, I could not breathe in. I fell to the ground, unable to even defend myself anymore, yet the blows still kept coming. Curled up as small as I could I wondered what had happened to cause this, kept praying it would stop. It felt like this went on forever, every blow more painful than the last. And just before the world went black, I woke up.

The reality: what makes my nightmares so terrifying to me is not their content. What is written above is not that scary reading it on paper. It almost seems silly to wake up terrified over a dream like that. No stuff jumping out at you, no random weird objects chasing you through the dark. What makes my nightmares so terrifying to me, is that they are actually memories. I have a floating rib from that day, it was never set back right so it didn't heal properly. I am pretty sure that my brother would have killed me that day, had my cousin not been there at the last second to stop him. People often wonder why I hold my Z***** up on a pedestal. This is only one of the times he saved my life with his bare hands. I'm guessing the stress of him being overseas and the news I received from him yesterday was the cause of this nightmare. He is my protector, and I am having a hard time sharing MY protector with the whole country. I'm so proud of him for all he's become, for all he's done. I'm so scared that he won't come home...he's a hero, through and through. He's smart, strong, talented, extremely skilled in his field. All of that brings forth pride, and pure terror all at once. A dreaming nightmare to reflect living one I suppose...

End it on a good note! Feeling better now that I'm a little awake. It'll take me a bit to shake it completely, but here's the point of all this. I woke up from a nightmare, flipping out on the inside, almost in tears on the outside. Then my boy gave me a sleepy hug and mumbled he loves me. I've been so afraid of what would happen when that point came and I woke up from a nightmare with nobody to hold me and wipe the tears away. That point came today and I realized I will always have my boy. Even if he's not physically here, just memories of his hugs and kisses will out-good any bad dreams. Have a good day everyone!

Tonight

Got a whole mix of stuff going on.
 Today with my brother was great. The park out by his place is beautiful, their apartment is a decent size and they've offered for me to stay with them until I get some money saved up. My sons father wants to talk with them first, which I respect because his son will be going with me. I think that's the move I'm gonna make for now. I have this nervousness in the pit of my stomach because its pretty far out from where I am now, but I think I can make it work as a temporary situation...I just know I can't stay where I am.
 That leads me into my next subject. I'm highly upset, feel extremely disrespected, and I can't even really say anything because this is not my home. I won't put any details on here out of respect for others, I'm just pissed and said I'd share all of my emotions on here. Well, most of them, some personal stuff stays between me, Boo and Momma. I can't even go into details though I would love to just vent right now...but, I have some smiles back already so it'll be fine. Thank you :)
 Next subject! We'll end on a good note!!! I had a great time at a friends tonight. My baby was saying he wasn't ready to come back to the apartment so we went to visit for a bit. It was the first time I had ever seen the game Angry Birds (surprise!). Semi watched a movie, but really just admired my son playing so nice. He made a new friend tonight and didn't want to leave, neither did I. Had fun kicking the soccer ball around a little bit, laughed at the kitty, spoiled the dog (I'm good at that ;). I'm not gonna detail the whole evening, so pretty much it was the most peaceful part of my day.
 On that note, I'm jumpin off here and doing idk what. Lol. Keep it positive people!

Should've posted this earlier, didn't have time.

Last night was hard for me. At first it was really dark. I was greatly troubled and my soul was screaming out for help. I felt completely lost, utterly alone and very afraid. The darkness of my troubled soul has always been something I have avoided and my fear of the unknown, including my own soul, is vast. I was tempted to ignore it and lock it away. That would have been taking a step back in this journey though. Instead, I reached out to my Momma, and as always, she helped me through. Now my main pain last night was not my own. It was for a very special friend of mine. I was lost and hopeless because I had no idea how to help this friend. I cried, I prayed with everything I had in me. I even made myself open up a very special part of my heart trying to reach out to this person without invading the space they needed. Jut lots of happy thoughts and love and pure joy sent silently to them from my soul. Through this struggle I gained insight into myself and accepted a strength hat I have. Compassion, as detailed in the last post. More followed which I will share later. For now though I'm going to revel in this newly recognized strength. I'll take some time to explore it, enjoy it and try to put it into every aspect of my life. Then I'll move on tothe others. Through every adversity, when you feel the mot pain and suffering, that is when you have the biggest opportunity to grow. So thank you special friend. You probably feel as if you burdened me, but in reality you helped me. I hope my strengths can help you as well.

My Love

One of God's greatest gifts to me has been compassion.  The compassion I feel for people is amazingly strong, overwhelmingly so at times.  Now, some people call this a curse, but I'm about to tell you this from the furthest depths of my soul.  I will never give up on you.  My compassion and passion for people is my greatest strength, one of this first I have come to accept on my own personal journey.  The foundation of my soul is compassion, truth, love, and sweet amazing joy.  Through these things my eyes see your soul.  Whenever you are weak, whenever your soul is a mess, I will be here with all the loving passion in the world, arms wide open.  It does not matter what you have done, your past is no burden to me.  I am here on a foundation of the most solid rock to tell you how amazing your soul truly is.  Now some may think this is a burden to me, but I am here to say that my compassion for others is my greatest strength.  I'm never giving it up.  I may care too much, it may cause me pain, but my compassion is part of what makes my own soul so beautiful.  Whether you accept it or not is entirely up to you.  Some nights, I feel like my soul is being ripped apart.  Torn, ragged, and used, but in the morning when I wake, I just begin anew, smiling at the sunshine on my face.  Replenishing that joy in my heart. This is for you, and you, most especially you.  Feel the beauty of my soul, it's there for people just like you.  I go to this place in my heart, a very special place of mine.  There are fields and mountain tops, flowers, swing sets and picnics basking in the warmth of this most beautiful sunshine, under a blanket of the most gorgeous stars.  This place in my heart is for you.  And, push as you might, it remains open.  A spring of never ending joy with arms wide open.  This place is for you, and especially you.

Sorry loves, not sleeping yet.

Just wanted to take a moment to say I'm happy. Not like an up phase over charged battery happy. Y'all know what I'm talking about if you know bipolar tendencies. It's not the ashdkjssokivfcskxo *phewm* and I'm down for the count type of happy. It's the, I'm standing on solid ground and making progress type of happy. I'm elated and excited and sleepy (yea, it's kinda almost six am). I know there's going to be hard times, I know I'm going to struggle. But for now, and the main reason of this post, is to say I'm happy. It's not all bad. Even with the happy there are moments of sadness, frustration and downright nastiness. The happy still wins though, if you let it :) Every journey begins somewhere and takes twists and turns, has ups and downs. I'm strapped into my favorite penguin footy pajamas and I'm goin on a ride :) I keep talking about beginning this journey, but it's honestly already begun. I'm taking life by the band member and marching through. Haha, I'm so clever :) so for those of you reading. This is that bubbling over personality side of me I talk so much about. Sarah : one. Depression : zero. My it feels good saying that :) now, and on that happy note, I'm going to sleep!

Internet is back!

Oh wow...where to even begin?
We'll start with Thursday. It was amazing! I had such a good time. For a whole day and most of that night I had no stress, just fun. I can't even begin to tell you all how much that was needed or how much it is still appreciated. Good company, good game (though I was mad that we lost...), I can't even put into words how good of a time I had.
Then...the rest of the weekend. It's all been such a whirlwind I don't even know where to begin. It's been a lot of work, a lot of talking to my momma, a lot of thinking about things on a deeper level and a lot of sleep. Lol. Friday I worked and it was crazy hectic. Went out to the haunted house afterwards but there wasn't really anyone out there so I left early. Went out for drinks and a lot happened that night that I'm not going to put on here. I stayed sober, so that has nothing to do with it. I just reached a point of not wanting to deal with anything in certain parts of my life anymore. It was extremely stressful at that point, but I've already reached my limit on dealing with some things and I've been a lot less stressed since that night. For the one I got into the argument with, I apologize for being hateful and I accept your apology for being hateful. I guess it was just a lot of stuff that needed to be said.
Next was Saturday. Slept a majority of the day, then went to a lunch in support of the police raising money for the Special Olympics. It was a delicious meal, and we all know how much I love food :) went to work from there and then came Saturday night. Almost made it through a scary movie (yea, I'm a baby). Had a blast and the best sleep I've had in as long as I can remember. Sunday brought more work, a pretty much sleepless night and morning came way too soon. Though this morning has been pretty amazing. Went and picked my little big man, planned on checking the Internet while he was napping and ended up napping right along with him. We're both awake again and in pretty good moods :)
Now for all the emotional stuff. It's been a while since I've been able to post so it's gonna be a bit difficult to get through all of this, mostly because once I'm through a situation I put it behind me and move forward, but I'll give it a shot. We're talking a four day span here and I've felt so many different  emotions. I'm worried about what I'm going to do as far as a place to live goes. I'm so anxious to get my own place that I haven't really decided what I'm going to do while saving up for the deposit. I know I want to get grants for school, I know I need to find a new place ASAP. I'm going to my brothers tomorrow and I'll be coming home with a vehicle I can use. Yes, my brother spoils me like no other. The whole world can be barking at my back and he's right there asking me what he an do. I have a friend like that a well and I still can't understand how I'm lucky enough to have them. So...thanks Bubby and thanks love, you two are amazing. Anywho, back to business. I've felt everything fom happy to in a panic to sad within the past few days. It's been crazy, exhausting, and exhilarating all at once. I feel so alive because I'm allowing my emotions free range for once instead of keeping them all bottled up inside. I can't even describe it. In the words of Momma "child, quit thinking so much and follow your heart. it has some scars, but it'll never steer you wrong." It's hard to deal with it all, but I've never felt so alive. Most of the time I'm so drained because I spend all day trying to keep my emotions under control. But I'm learning, and yes it's still a learning process, that I can let them go and just make sure I'm not over analyzing them all. Because that's what really gets me, it's not feeling everything I feel, it's when I try to make sense of it all. Right now, I'm alive, and I don't feel like I'm dying inside for the first time in a few years. It's odd, it's sensational, it's overwhelming. But I can honestly say I'm loving every moment of allowing myself to feel again, the good and the bad. I know a lot has changed since my last post, chalk it up to late nights and the wisdom of Momma. Sorry the Internet has been poopy and I haven't been able to keep you all updated along the way. Just know that I've taken a fresh step, there's a lot of behind the scenes I won't post on here, but if you have a question about something feel free to ask me.
I don't think that really covers it all, but for now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine with my boy :)

Here goes...

                                       

Hey hey. It's been a day or two. So it's kind of confusing, and I'm gonna be honest, this is gonna be rough. But, here goes anyway, hope you all can keep up. I'll try to proof read and fix typing errors.

Two days ago I went to the St. James Art Fair with my boyfriend. Now I'm not gonna go into huge details about it all, but everyone is worried about me so I figured I'd put it all out there, I'll end on a good note though. I promised I would share the good and the bad, and I've put this off but its time. We had been having issues before I decided to make this change. Let me rephrase, I had been having issues. This is how it goes for me though. I've always said I need this time to myself but I never took it. When my husband and I split up I swore I would take that time. I started having friends with benefits, a few of them are probably gonna read this. Ha. But I didn't want commitment. Then I met him. At first, I wasn't interested. I wasn't ready for a commitment, but I was lonely. The more time I spent around him the more I liked him. It finally happened on Christmas. I was going to drop my son off at his Dad's and then go home and wait for my friends to get there. Instead, he took me with him to his family Christmas. They kept calling me his girlfriend, so I told him he was at least going to have to take me out on a date. From there, everything moved so fast and neither of us made it stop or slow down. I told him from day one that I could never promise tomorrow, and it was true. For a while now I've been distracted, haven't been giving this relationship what it needs, haven't been invested in it. That's my fault. But it happened, and everything happens for a reason. I can't change the emotions I feel, or how they change. Part of my goal is to learn how to cope with them and handle the changing emotions better. An argument happened between us at the art fair, again my fault. During the argument a lot of things happened, a lot of things were said, and I finally admitted that my heart isn't in it anymore. It kills me to say that, but it's true. Since that conversation I've felt a wide range of emotions. I'm sad mostly. He's a really good guy. Smart, funny, driven. I just don't think it's fair to put him through everything I'm going through. Now I know he's going to read this, and he's going to say 'that's my choice'. It's not though. The choice is mine, and I choose to do this on my own. I mean, isn't that the point of this whole journey anyways? I'm learning to stand on my own feet emotionally as well as financially. I know I can do it, everyone who knows me says they know I can do it. But I have to prove it to myself. Yesterday, a woman who has pretty much hated me the past four years, looked at me and said "I'm proud of you, you've needed to do this for a while now". Then today, my ex-husband gave me a hug, and as he did he said "you can do this Sarah, take care of you and everything will work out." That gave me hope more than anything. I mean, you're talking about a man that has been through hell with me, the father of my child. He knows me more than I can even explain, more than I knew he did. I know I'm making the right decision. It's hard, it hurts, I've cried myself to sleep the last two nights. I had a mini break down this afternoon. I'm not sleeping, and when I do I wake up in these spells where I can't remember something I said two seconds before, I don't remember what I've done, it's all a hazy memory. Hell, if I'm completely honest I was still like that this morning when I woke up. Took me about two hours to work my way out of it. I hate being like that. Just numb, cloudy minded, foggy movement. But it's more of being emotionally drained than anything else. I know I'm gonna pull through this and I know he will too. I'm tired of breaking hearts, I'm tired of being that person. I know that his heart is breaking, mine is too. But this is what I have to do in order to better myself permanently. I have to take this step on my own, no commitments, no relationships at all besides friends and family. Only then will I truly feel like I've proved it to myself. And only then can I really begin the process of healing that I know this journey will bring...

So. I'm done rambling. There's more I could say, what's the point in all that though. Pretty much, all that needs to be known is that I am okay. I'm gonna have some difficult days, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna be sad. In the end I'll be alright. I'll come out stronger (and you will too because I know you're reading this). I will be stronger, more independent, healthier mentally and emotionally. For now though, I'm gonna go on a picture rampage on Facebook :)

Heyyyy. Bahaha, it pisses me off when others do that.

Home from work, made some pretty good money tonight. Don't have any of it though because it all went into savings for the new apartment! I'm tired physically but mentally my mind is racing again. I'm excited for this change. I'm also missing a lot of people tonight. My sisters for starters. The younger messaged me on Facebook yesterday. She's been through too much and it kills me that I can't see her very often...I cried yesterday when she told me she loved me and missed me. Then my oldest sister texted me and I lost it. My husband didn't like her and her spouse. So for three years I barely saw them. When the divorce started I swore I'd be around more and haven't made that happen. It's been kind of a both ends need to meet in the middle but can't seem to type of deal. Either way, she was my role model for years and I miss her something fierce. I'm not even gonna begin to go into how much I miss them because we'll be here all night, but I'm gonna make that change too. I'm going to make the time to see them. My family is very important to me and ive been very distant from a lot of them the past year or two. its time for that to change. We were once a close knit group and I find myself wanting that back. I want them to be a major part of my life again. Other than that I've got some excitement going on for upcoming events. Not going into those because y'all don't need to know where I'll be, but I'm pretty damn excited! I'm nervous about being accepted to have an apartment, because I've never had my own lease. But I'm hoping that I'll be approved when I finally decide on one...I guess we'll see on that as well. Hrmm...oh yeah, I'm in a major cleaning mood. People tell me I'm OCD, but I'm not. Just particular. I made myself stop cleaning though because I'm not dusting everything and doing the floors tonight, besides that everything is done. Well, minus laundry which I'm slowly working on. I'm also grateful I didn't have to do the damn dishes. Lol. Well guys, I'm thinking that's it for now. No major deep thoughts or anything I want to get into. I'm still in work mode so I can feel it lurking in the back of my mind but I'm not ready to go there just yet.

Meh.

I'm not really happy with it. But, I needed to finish something to alleviate some of the emotion inside. Colored pencils are not best for drawing. It doesn't come alive, they don't blend well and the details are ten times harder to create...but, whatever. Here it is in its most simplistic form.

Fail.

I'm so frustrated right now. I've got this image speaking to my heart of this flower blooming up out of  a dark place, beautiful as ever. I've got colors going everywhere of gorgeous oranges and golds everywhere out shining this grey shading from where it came. I can see it and feel it and the wonderful magic of the healing and beauty of something new, mixed with the desperation and sorrow and anger. I have this ability to picture souls, to see their colors and beauty and pain and I have all this emotion going through me to just get it out. To put it down on paper and let others see the beauty I feel in me right now. But to also show the pain and agony from where it came. Just emerging and producing this bright light of serenity. I've got so much going through my mind, so much I feel in my heart and I just wanna put it out there, for the whole world to see...it's so hard to put it in words, so hard to tell you how this image makes me feel and I can't seem to put it down on paper with the supplies I have. I know what I want, I can see it. But in order for it to become a reality I've got to have the right tools. I guess, in some way, that reflects my life right now too, why I'm making the changes I am. I have this ending in sight, this beautiful picture of what I'll be, what I'll see when I picture my own soul. I've always looked at people and saw their color. And I'm not talking skin tone. I mean their true color. For those of you wondering, yes I believe in auras and yes, when I look at you I see your aura. And I want to put mine down on paper right now but can't. I've almost got this feeling of desperation in me to get it all out. But right now I'm stuck. It's pure torture. I feel like I'm bursting from the seams with nowhere for the energy to go...I think I'm just gonna go for a run...I can't even find the words to give me release from this pressure in my soul...

Hello there :)

Another beautiful morning. I'm kind of all deep and thoughtful on the inside but bubbly and happy on the outside today. It's kind of weird. Also, woke up to an empty apartment. It kind of set in that when I move out it will be like this every morning, besides the days I have Anakin. Just part of the journey though. I'll still have my puppy to keep me company though :) what more can a girl ask for? Haha! Other than that I'm gonna do some drawing while I have the time. If anyone wants to spring for some canvases for me I'll give them a piece of art! Updates later, for now I'm gonna use my art as expression and see if I can't unearth what's weighing so heavy on my soul this morning.

And technically it's day three...Tehe

Well...home from work. For those of you that don't know, I work Thursday through Sunday as a server. Anywho, umm...today. It was a myriad of things really. There's a lot of excitement for an event I get to go to next week :):):) I had a good night at work, always a plus. There were a few bumps in the road, had two different arguments, but everything is fine now. Still have some concern over the lingering effects of them, but only time will tell. Other than that it was a pretty regular day. Kind of like a middle ground persay, which doesn't happen often in my life. Got to talk to my momma for an extended period of time :) she's so wise and loving and caring. I'm truly blessed to have her to talk to. Also got to have a long conversation with a very good friend of mine today, made me smile :) Hrmm...oh yeah! Anakin got a new jacket and some new shoes today! A friend of ours has children bigger than him so he passed some outgrown stuff down to me. I'm especially excited about his little biker jacket. I may dress him up as a biker for Halloween now. Haha, he'd love it! Other than that guys, I don't have much to say. Like I said, it was kind of like a middle ground. Not an up day of hyper ness, not a down day of depression. All in all, I'm pretty happy with it :) and ou know its a middle day when almost every sentence has a comma in it. Lol. Y'all have a good night.

It's officially day two!

         

Good morning! Don't worry, I won't count the new days forever. Just a way of keeping excited about this change. So, this morning is really good so far. Dont know if I've told you all this, but its very hard for me to sleep. After about forty two hours of being awake I was finally able to get me some sleep last night. Woke up this morning with a fresh start and some happiness in me. I've also got a lot of excitement going for some potential plans falling into place, I'm really hoping it all works out. Other than that, I'm still pretty tired but not looking like I'm on the brink of death so I'll deal with the sleep I was able to get. Hrmm...that's really about it. No life insights or things weighing heavy on my mind yet, just me. But one thing you should all know! I have an unhealthy obsession with watching a show called Ugly Betty. It'll be coming on soon. Law & Order til then because getting lost in shows/books is how I resist getting lost in my own thoughts :) great day all! I'll keep everyone updated :)

My days run together...

                                             

So...I'm home from work. Sitting back on my beloved balcony. I am gonna miss this lovely place  to think when I move. It gives me a place to focus on my life in general. Work was good, made decent money for the night, hit my budget target so that's what matters most. Wasn't overly stressful which was good. I kind of use work as a mini vacation. Like, for those hours I don't have to think, I just have to breathe and fall into routine. Then I get off work and the mind racing begins again, I honestly wish you all could see how fast I type when I'm like this. I can't speak easily, that's why I'm so quiet all the time. It's hard for me to find words, and then say them correctly. So instead I type. It seems like everything is on my mind tonight. The future, memories from the past, what's going on in present day. I guess I'll break it down into categories for everyone reading...

Past: memories keep playing through my head of things that have happened. One year in particular stands out. Hard as it is to put on here, I've promised myself I'll be open and honest about everything. My Dad, the one who raised me (passed away of cancer), had a son. Now I will not use names, the only two you'll read are mine (Sarah) and Anakin's (my son). Anywho, Daddy's son was a bit older than I was. And when Dad got real sick things got real bad at home. Every day for almost a year he raped me. Sometimes, several times a day. Anytime I was caught alone, it happened. The memory playing in my mind tonight is a vicious one, and one not many know. There was a day that I refused to do his bidding. He held a knife to my little sisters throat and told me he'd kill her if I didn't. That isn't what's playing in my mind though. It's what happened after. For now, I'll spare the gruesome details. I'll just say that I was tied to a bed and the knife was used, and the scar is still there. (For those of you wondering, I am perfectly normal down there.) I'm extremely self conscious just putting that out there...but, it's the memory playing in my mind tonight. My own little horror show...yea...that's enough of all that for one evening, I'm not sure I'm ready to share all of that right now.

Next!
The present: I already feel like all of these different changes are starting to take place inside me. There really are no words to explain it. I'm having my own personal struggles (and some things will stay private, except of course to my Boo and she knows who she is). I guess I should take a moment to explain that I use endearing words as names a lot. It keeps me from mentioning real names and those spoken of know who they are. Everyone mentioned in this blog has the right to object, has the right to comment and let their name be known, and has the right to smile while reading this :) Tehe, my own little joke. Now, back to reality, I'm being spacey lately, I change from topic to topic and confuse most people with it. If that happens here I'm sorry. Today was an interesting day. I think I've been brought every emotion possible in the hours I've been awake. Though I've been awake for a very long time at this point. Earlier today the world looked super bright and I wrote a little something about it on Facebook (you can add me on there if you wish). Tonight I'm starting to have doubts about this whole journey in general. Can I do this, am I ready, am I strong enough. All questions playing through my mind. But damnit I'm determined. This is my time, you make the perfect moment, it never just comes. The night is generally my best friend and worst enemy all at once. It's when my mind reaches its darkest moments, but it's also when I have the most breakthroughs.

And...
The future:
I'm worried that I'll fail. I'm worried I won't be strong enough. I'm worried this is justa huge waste of time. But I keep telling myself that I have to try. History repeats itself over and over if you allow it to. I'm determined to make a change in my life for the better. That's really all I can think of to say for the future. Nervous? Yes. Scared? No, terrified. Hopeful? Yes. Excited? Definitely. I'm moving forward, and no self doubt is going to stop me.

So...I think this is all I have for tonight. There's much more I could say, much more I feel I should do. But for now, I received a present earlier and I'm going to put it to use. I love charcoal :) I love expressing myself through drawing :)

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It feels like day two but it isn't...this morning was rough. Before I go into all of that though, I'd like to take a moment to let people know that this will be an unedited version of all that I am going through. The hurt, anger, details of incidents, etc will be raw and unfiltered. I will make sure to put emphasis on the good too though :) anywho, back to this morning...after not sleeping all night it was very difficult to handle my son this morning. He's quite the handful at times, and make no mistake, I love him with all that I am. Today he got into everything he possibly could. I realized my patience wears thin very quickly after these restless nights, and that is something I vow to change. Some days, those like the one experienced today, I feel like a horrible mother. I feel inadequate to give him the love he so desperately needs and wants because I am too weak to deal with my own issues. Now, I know I am a good mother. My son never goes without, he always has a home and he knows he is loved. But days like today when he screams over everything and does anything possible to push my buttons, I wonder if it is his way of venting well deserved anger at all I have put him through in his two short years on this earth. I ripped his family apart with one conversation. I lost the only home he had known because I couldn't afford it, and the the car broke down as well. Guess who couldn't afford to fix it? Haha...in the end, I know my son loves me. I'm praying that this journey brings us closer together and helps me soothe some of his anger. He is after all, my one and only, my purpose for living. It was a miracle that I was able to have him. He is my lighthouse persay :) when all his is dark, and I'm completely lost, I remember him and his shining light brings me back to reality.

I had a conversation this morning with a very special friend of mine. For the first time I put into words the reasons I am on this journey, this is not verbatim but it's the gist of it. (Hope you don't mind me sharing part of our conversation love). "I look at myself and all I see are the scars from being beaten. I see my face in the mirror and I hear the words of my past haunting me, telling me I'm not enough." I will not be this woman anymore. I am strong. I will accept my weakness and faults, but I will also fully  embrace my strengths.  I have these good days, where I'm happy and outgoing and bubbling over with  personality. I feel beautiful and graceful and sexy, as any woman should feel. I am a lady (at least when not behind closed doors, haha). I care about people. It is my mission in life to find at least one person, to touch someone's life, and to let them know they are not alone. That mission begins here though. It begins with fixing the broken parts inside of me first. Welcome to my world :) some days it resembles a hippie festival with frolicking, music, laughter and joy. Most of all love. Some days it resembles a nightmare with memories, sleepless nights and a lot you'll see as this continues. In the end though, I want more frolicking...