It's been a bit.

       

Seems I keep posting and then not being able to post for a few days? Here's the run down:

The rest of Thursday: I spent the morning with my little big man. Lunchtime came and some...we'll use the word unsavory...events took place. I dislike arguments, I especially dislike them in front of my son, so I left. Spent the rest of the day at my Lady Loves house. I was pretty upset most of the day, but was able to put it behind me before work. After work I went to the original Boo's house and had fun. We had a great time catching up and making new memories.

Friday: The day itself was pretty uneventful, went to work that afternoon. After work I went to my friends. Had a good time there, as always :) There's nothing better than being so comfortable you can be yourself and not have any worries. Haha, I keep pausing in typing because Aladdin is on and the magic carpet ride scene is on. Lovin it :) Anywho, really, the day was pretty uneventful. The best days though are ones that don't have to be eventful to be amazing. It was one of those types of days. There were surprises, but they were the little type of surprises that just brighten the day and make it that much better. And that's what gets me. It's the little surprises and special moments in any day that make me so fond of life in general. Live for the little things and they'll add up to big things :)

Saturday: Had an AMAZING breakfast. Those of you who know me know I do not cook breakfast often. When I do it's just pancakes or biscuits and gravy. So, remember that, as I tell you how much of a treat it was to have eggs mixed with ham and some bacon and toast with nom nom grape jelly!!! I was stuffed the whole day!!! I'm so damn spoiled :) Anyways...now I'm babbling, sorry, can't help it. Umm...rest of Saturday...went to work, didn't feel well. I went into work and got really lightheaded, felt nauseous a bit. It was icky, and then I realized that I hadn't taken my iron supplements in quite a while. So, went for some steak (easiest way to get iron in the system) and ended up feasting again! Delicious salad, fried pickles, steak, mashed potatoes, rolls. Also had some pretty awesome company to share said feast with! After eating got to hang out and watch Good Luck Chuck, adorable and hilarious all at once. Somehow I ended up falling asleep right after the movie and had absolutely amazing sleep. Like the kind that feels super restful and you know you've been in a deep sleep.

Sunday: Slept most of the day :) I did wake up once because of a bad dream, but I was oddly okay. Like, I felt weird, had the panic for a moment, but it wasn't the terror I'm used to. Granted, it wasn't a nightmare, but it was still a lot easier to shake it. (not that I'm complaining :) Anywho, curled up and almost went right back to sleep, took a moment but it happened. Finished off the left overs from the night before and finished getting my iron back up, pretty sure that's why I passed out so fast the night before. Then...work on Sunday was normal. Went back to the apartment afterwards and would have left almost immediately if I had anywhere to go. Took my precious puppy for a run that was much needed on both ends. It gives him exercise and me time to breathe without thinking. Though I generally think clearer the faster I'm physically running. Went back to the apartment, started watching a movie and then got into another horrible argument. Though at this point I'm done arguing and I just listen as I'm being yelled at. That apparently makes me cold and uncaring though, two things I am generally not. Decided right then that I need to leave, now it's just a matter of when I can move my stuff out to my brothers. Thank you love, for being there for me through that.

Monday: Pretty normal morning. Went to pick up Bubby. Until you're a parent you will never understand how much you miss your child when they're not there. Everything I do is for him. He is my world, he is my light in the dark. My son is crazy, spoiled, has an attitude problem and has been through a lot in his two short years on this earth. But he is mine, and I love him unconditionally. For that matter, I miss my dog too. I haven't been able to see him much and it's a horrible feeling. When you're a parent you never really know what you're doing. You just try your hardest and pray it works out for the best. I'd do anything in the world for my son though. Anywho, I'm rambling again. Went and looked at an apartment that's only 595 a month for a two bedroom. Deciding if that really fits in the budget (my top price was 650 but I'm trying to keep bills as low as possible). Anywho, I know I'm gonna move in with my brother for a few months to pay off some debt and get a financial basis started before I make a move out on my own completely. Still deciding if a room mate would be worth it, just don't know of anyone ready to move yet. I think it would probably be best, most of the issue is that the majority of my friends are guys. Anywho, after talking to the apartment people me and Bubby came to my Lady Loves again. Spent the night here and had a blast hanging out with friends. Also became Empress of the world! Haha, no really, won Risk, conquered the world. Anywho, didn't sleep until 6am. Tried to sleep sooner and it epically failed. Went outside to smoke a cigarette about 4:30 and flipped out with my paranoid self. Darlin, and you know who you are though I don't have a nickname for you, thank you so much for being one of my best friends. You are seriously one of the best guy friends a girl could ever ask for and I can't wait to see your smiling face! 18 days!

This morning: Kids woke up at eight. I've realized that my sons behavior is getting out of control and I'm gonna have to reign that shit in. I'm horrible and the whole mean mommy thing. We'll figure it out though. Other than that it's been pretty uneventful. Listened to music for a while, watched Aladdin twice. Yep, twice. We're that awesome. Played on Facebook and then came here to update everyone because quite a few have asked why I haven't posted. I guess I should take a moment to let everyone know that I was able to update a lot when I was at the apartment, but now that I'm not at the apartment as much it has been increasingly difficult to find the time. Anywho, didn't make it to the zoo yesterday because the kids were grumpy. Hoping we make it out there today!

And the overview...I have been through so many emotions...I have been upset to the point of tears, I've never been so hurt and angry as I was Thursday and I'm just done with that whole situation. There comes a point where compassion has reached its limits and self respect becomes more important. I know what I want and I'm going for it. I was thinking about that day and about Sunday night and came across the song King of Anything by Sara Bareilles. I've always liked the song and now the words ring true. Back to positive! I am me. This isn't about "changing" me, this is about accepting myself for who I am. For seeing what I want, what I deserve, knowing that my heart and my brain are working together and going for my dreams. I have this renewed excitement for life! For living, feeling, breathing, BEING! One day at a step, one step in front of the other. It's a truly miraculous feeling. It's a new beginning. It's a time in my life where I can honestly say I am putting 100 percent of me into everything I wanna do. I'm still not 110%. I'm just learning to enjoy the ride of this journey and roll with the tide. Unless something is worth fighting for. When it's worth fighting for you best believe I will take my stand. I just have to remember what is and isn't in my control. And patience. Patience has been a necessity recently and one I am slowly learning to accept. Also: Boo, original Boo, Momma - I see your smiles. Hush it!