My days run together...

                                             

So...I'm home from work. Sitting back on my beloved balcony. I am gonna miss this lovely place  to think when I move. It gives me a place to focus on my life in general. Work was good, made decent money for the night, hit my budget target so that's what matters most. Wasn't overly stressful which was good. I kind of use work as a mini vacation. Like, for those hours I don't have to think, I just have to breathe and fall into routine. Then I get off work and the mind racing begins again, I honestly wish you all could see how fast I type when I'm like this. I can't speak easily, that's why I'm so quiet all the time. It's hard for me to find words, and then say them correctly. So instead I type. It seems like everything is on my mind tonight. The future, memories from the past, what's going on in present day. I guess I'll break it down into categories for everyone reading...

Past: memories keep playing through my head of things that have happened. One year in particular stands out. Hard as it is to put on here, I've promised myself I'll be open and honest about everything. My Dad, the one who raised me (passed away of cancer), had a son. Now I will not use names, the only two you'll read are mine (Sarah) and Anakin's (my son). Anywho, Daddy's son was a bit older than I was. And when Dad got real sick things got real bad at home. Every day for almost a year he raped me. Sometimes, several times a day. Anytime I was caught alone, it happened. The memory playing in my mind tonight is a vicious one, and one not many know. There was a day that I refused to do his bidding. He held a knife to my little sisters throat and told me he'd kill her if I didn't. That isn't what's playing in my mind though. It's what happened after. For now, I'll spare the gruesome details. I'll just say that I was tied to a bed and the knife was used, and the scar is still there. (For those of you wondering, I am perfectly normal down there.) I'm extremely self conscious just putting that out there...but, it's the memory playing in my mind tonight. My own little horror show...yea...that's enough of all that for one evening, I'm not sure I'm ready to share all of that right now.

Next!
The present: I already feel like all of these different changes are starting to take place inside me. There really are no words to explain it. I'm having my own personal struggles (and some things will stay private, except of course to my Boo and she knows who she is). I guess I should take a moment to explain that I use endearing words as names a lot. It keeps me from mentioning real names and those spoken of know who they are. Everyone mentioned in this blog has the right to object, has the right to comment and let their name be known, and has the right to smile while reading this :) Tehe, my own little joke. Now, back to reality, I'm being spacey lately, I change from topic to topic and confuse most people with it. If that happens here I'm sorry. Today was an interesting day. I think I've been brought every emotion possible in the hours I've been awake. Though I've been awake for a very long time at this point. Earlier today the world looked super bright and I wrote a little something about it on Facebook (you can add me on there if you wish). Tonight I'm starting to have doubts about this whole journey in general. Can I do this, am I ready, am I strong enough. All questions playing through my mind. But damnit I'm determined. This is my time, you make the perfect moment, it never just comes. The night is generally my best friend and worst enemy all at once. It's when my mind reaches its darkest moments, but it's also when I have the most breakthroughs.

And...
The future:
I'm worried that I'll fail. I'm worried I won't be strong enough. I'm worried this is justa huge waste of time. But I keep telling myself that I have to try. History repeats itself over and over if you allow it to. I'm determined to make a change in my life for the better. That's really all I can think of to say for the future. Nervous? Yes. Scared? No, terrified. Hopeful? Yes. Excited? Definitely. I'm moving forward, and no self doubt is going to stop me.

So...I think this is all I have for tonight. There's much more I could say, much more I feel I should do. But for now, I received a present earlier and I'm going to put it to use. I love charcoal :) I love expressing myself through drawing :)