So...

                 

How do I even begin to explain it all? Umm...this may be completely random and incoherent babbling. Just a prewarning. I'm so exhausted, I'm so drained. It's hard to put it all in words but I have to try. There has been so much going on recently and I can't even talk about half of it. I'm losing it though. Every aspect of my life feels like its just falling apart. I know it's not, well, some things are. But it's not all bad. I know this. So why is my outlook so negative? Gave a chunk of my savings to my brother for a vehicle I still haven't gotten back, so I'm back to bumming rides from everyone. My family is in complete chaos that even I, fixer of all things, can't do shit about. I guess o just jave to learn that I am NOT superwoman, and even i need some time to breathe. Right now is a good time to learn that lesson, because there is literally nothing I can do right now about any of it. My apartment is so close I can taste it, but it seems I take one step forward and get pushed two steps back. Like every move I make to do better gets shoved aside for what? Honestly, for what?!?! I keep saying "I can do this, I can handle this". But can I really? Do I have the strength to keep pressing forward when everything inside me is screaming that I'm falling apart, coming unglued at the seams? I feel like shutting the world out, I feel like breaking down into the tears that will eventually hit me at the most  inopportune time. Is inopportune even how you spell that? Shit, even my English is going to Hell and that was my major...I don't even know...can you feel the chaos raging in me? The dire, desperate need for something to go good, to be right. I feel like I'm two seconds from the edge of a cliff. And part of me wants to put my toes on the edge and embrace the wind. The other part wants to run into a cave screaming for sanity, hiding form the world and everything in it. I even took tonight off work. I mean, Jesus, when do I do that unless its something important. Then I think "hey Sarah, you're pretty important". Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I've reached that point where I'm done trying. Thank you life, I've had enough. But then I have this hope. I mean. It's darkest before day, the storm rages worst before its over, yada yada yada. At least Kill Hannah is putting me in a better mood. It seems that every aspect of my life has completely flipped. Some of it my fault, some out of my control. I'm so worried about everything going on I almost can't breathe. Like, the walls are closing in on me and there's nowhere to run. Then again, this whole journey is about not running anymore. So...tonight, I'll breathe. Every strong woman knows her breaking point. Every spectacular one knows there isn't a breaking point. By damnit, I will be spectacular. Now if only I could get my heart to stop racing, calm my thoughts a bit. I think I just need to find something productive to do instead of sitting here letting the world rip me apart. Maybe I'll sneak away to see some friends, maybe I'll just clean/pack. Maybe I'll just sleep, though I've done a lot of that the past few days. Maybe I'll get some serenity and be able to smile without having to hide the fact that I'm freaking out on the inside...I guess we'll see where the rest of the evening takes me...either way I'm getting off here. Ranting is doing me no good but increasing my blood pressure. I keep going back to last year, a friend took me away from the world for a night. Nobody knew where I was, only my sons Father knew how to contact me. It was bliss. And then not to long ago I got another day like that. Maybe that's what I need, but it's not in the cards. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and make do with what I have.