Hey hey. It's been a day or two. So it's kind of confusing, and I'm gonna be honest, this is gonna be rough. But, here goes anyway, hope you all can keep up. I'll try to proof read and fix typing errors.
Two days ago I went to the St. James Art Fair with my boyfriend. Now I'm not gonna go into huge details about it all, but everyone is worried about me so I figured I'd put it all out there, I'll end on a good note though. I promised I would share the good and the bad, and I've put this off but its time. We had been having issues before I decided to make this change. Let me rephrase, I had been having issues. This is how it goes for me though. I've always said I need this time to myself but I never took it. When my husband and I split up I swore I would take that time. I started having friends with benefits, a few of them are probably gonna read this. Ha. But I didn't want commitment. Then I met him. At first, I wasn't interested. I wasn't ready for a commitment, but I was lonely. The more time I spent around him the more I liked him. It finally happened on Christmas. I was going to drop my son off at his Dad's and then go home and wait for my friends to get there. Instead, he took me with him to his family Christmas. They kept calling me his girlfriend, so I told him he was at least going to have to take me out on a date. From there, everything moved so fast and neither of us made it stop or slow down. I told him from day one that I could never promise tomorrow, and it was true. For a while now I've been distracted, haven't been giving this relationship what it needs, haven't been invested in it. That's my fault. But it happened, and everything happens for a reason. I can't change the emotions I feel, or how they change. Part of my goal is to learn how to cope with them and handle the changing emotions better. An argument happened between us at the art fair, again my fault. During the argument a lot of things happened, a lot of things were said, and I finally admitted that my heart isn't in it anymore. It kills me to say that, but it's true. Since that conversation I've felt a wide range of emotions. I'm sad mostly. He's a really good guy. Smart, funny, driven. I just don't think it's fair to put him through everything I'm going through. Now I know he's going to read this, and he's going to say 'that's my choice'. It's not though. The choice is mine, and I choose to do this on my own. I mean, isn't that the point of this whole journey anyways? I'm learning to stand on my own feet emotionally as well as financially. I know I can do it, everyone who knows me says they know I can do it. But I have to prove it to myself. Yesterday, a woman who has pretty much hated me the past four years, looked at me and said "I'm proud of you, you've needed to do this for a while now". Then today, my ex-husband gave me a hug, and as he did he said "you can do this Sarah, take care of you and everything will work out." That gave me hope more than anything. I mean, you're talking about a man that has been through hell with me, the father of my child. He knows me more than I can even explain, more than I knew he did. I know I'm making the right decision. It's hard, it hurts, I've cried myself to sleep the last two nights. I had a mini break down this afternoon. I'm not sleeping, and when I do I wake up in these spells where I can't remember something I said two seconds before, I don't remember what I've done, it's all a hazy memory. Hell, if I'm completely honest I was still like that this morning when I woke up. Took me about two hours to work my way out of it. I hate being like that. Just numb, cloudy minded, foggy movement. But it's more of being emotionally drained than anything else. I know I'm gonna pull through this and I know he will too. I'm tired of breaking hearts, I'm tired of being that person. I know that his heart is breaking, mine is too. But this is what I have to do in order to better myself permanently. I have to take this step on my own, no commitments, no relationships at all besides friends and family. Only then will I truly feel like I've proved it to myself. And only then can I really begin the process of healing that I know this journey will bring...
So. I'm done rambling. There's more I could say, what's the point in all that though. Pretty much, all that needs to be known is that I am okay. I'm gonna have some difficult days, I'm gonna cry, I'm gonna be sad. In the end I'll be alright. I'll come out stronger (and you will too because I know you're reading this). I will be stronger, more independent, healthier mentally and emotionally. For now though, I'm gonna go on a picture rampage on Facebook :)
Wow! :)
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